Amazingly, it was the same day “someone” threw this in my basket at Walmart! ($15.00)
Anyone?
Should I go “vintage” (or is it “retro?”) or “Walmart?”
I can’t seem to hang the new curtain, but I can’t seem to return it either.
FavoriteSon says I’m right. The 90’s did call.
PinkGirl says, “They’re both so beautiful, I just can’t choose!”
FirstHusband says “Go ahead. Change it. Although it’s the only decorating thing in our house I ever really loved.”
So. He’s no help. I asked him what type of artwork he might like to hang over our bed (there’s nothing there now). After he said the words, “velvet” and “blacklight” I knew I was on my own. I’ve always known where FavoriteSon gets it.
Although the photos show the EXACT opposite, the room seems brighter with the pale gold curtain. The flash didn’t go off. The room just looks darker (and smaller?) with the garnet curtain – it needed the flash. The garnet curtain never really matched the bottom wall color. The pale gold curtain is almost a perfect match for the top wall color. So why can’t I just change it already?
And yes, we are Nole fans. It is a garnet and gold bathroom.
It’s a little chaotic this week, so I’m “re-purposing” a previous post for my “Works for Me Wednesday” contribution.
A while back I wrote about what I learned when “auditing” my son’s summer speed reading course. It was $300, so by “waiting for him” in the back of the classroom, I felt like it was really $150 per person.
These simple changes can really make a difference when it comes to reading speed and memorization. Check out this post over at Pragmatic Communication entitled “reading from the outside in.”
Being “freakishly organized,” I followed the Underwear Principle and created a coffee “station” with all the supplies needed for coffee located in one spot. It’s a tiny bit of counter space next to the stove and it’s where we keep EVERYthing coffee related. (Thanks for the coffee pot recommendation, Lisa Writes!)
The three cannisters hold creamer, Benefiber and Splenda. We used to keep all that inside the cabinet above, but they were annoying to access. I picked clear glass cannisters so we could tell at a glance when they were running low and we now keep them on the counter because it’s the most convenient. When we remember, we add Benefiber to our coffee. It’s a simple way to sneak in extra fiber. We can’t taste it and it doesn’t change the consistency of the coffee at all.
In the cabinet above are the coffee mugs, travel mugs, coffee filters and creamer refill. I bought identical plastic containers to store coffee in the freezer door (right behind this spot) and marked one of them “decaf.” I even decorated this area by purchasing multi-opening frames, finding, typing and printing coffee and tea “quotes” on pretty card stock and framing each one.
One of my favorite quotes is: “A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar.” (FirstHusband has had a mustache since I’ve met him.)
I especially love the quote by Cher in Moonstruck: “You make good coffee . . . you’re a slob, but you make good coffee.”
(Please forgive the sideways photo.)
It’s very handy to have everything in one place. It’s easy for guests too. When I host my ladies circle, I set my “backup” coffee pot (with decaf) on the flat stove top, right next to the main coffee maker.
I’m joining in with Leslie at Lux Venit for the book study on The Excellent Wife. I’m a little late. I just posted my response to Chapter 8 yesterday (also late). This is my response to Chapter Nine, Love, the Wife’s Choice. Here’s what is highlighted in yellow on the first few pages of Chapter Nine in my book:
“Those romantic feelings I used to have are gone, never to return.
Since most wives are “in love” with their husbands when they marry, what happens to that love?
. . . three categories of sin that will destroy love: selfishness, bitterness or fear. Often it is a combination.
. . . no matter what has happened and what she is feeling, God can work in her life and her husband’s life and He can give them a love for each other that they never dreamed possible. (emphasis added)
Their biblical love can draw them together in a more lasting intimate bond than all of the intensity of their early days of infatuation put together.
. . . even if her husband does not respond in love, it is a choice when wife must make because of Christ’s command.”
The Greek noun for love here is agape . . .
. . . it is a sacrificial love, giving.
. . . it is a love that gives to others even if nothing is given back in return. The noun form (agape) is primarily an attitude. The verb form (agapao) is primarily a practical action. Either way, it is a choice and we are held responsible.
Remember, at times, you will have to go directly against your feelings.
Godly love is not primarily a feeling, it is a choice.
. . . think objectively (biblically), not subjectively (based on feelings).
This will not just passively happen to you. You must work at it.
Remember that you do not have to feel “led” to be unselfish, you just have to do it.
. . . many women who were selfish . . . they usually held some secular beliefs about love. Often those beliefs were “love is romance and feelings,” . . . “love is having my needs met.”
Unfortunately, longings of this kind can never be satisfied since our flesh wants more and more and more.
Basing love on romance and feelings is immature at best.
“Feelings” are always somewhat disappointing.
. . . most women are never recipients of the romance they desire. It is much better to think, “How can I show love?” (love is patient, etc.) rather than, “How can I get love?”
As you change your thinking, your expectations will change.
Any time someone has a philosophy of life that is based on “my needs” (self), they are likely to fall into the trap of being unloving, selfish, vain or proud.
But if your heart is set on the wrong thing, you are guaranteed to be disappointed.
Mrs. Peace? AMEN, sister!
I’m reminded of an incident when FirstHusband and I were first married. We had recently bought a boat and were taking it out. My two (teenage at the time) sisters were with us. FirstHusband asked me to take the wheel just a few minutes after “putting in.” I told him I didn’t know how to drive a boat. He said I would be fine. I drove the boat aground. He said a very bad word. Very loudly. He was angry. It was the first time I had ever heard him say this word and the first time I had ever heard him yell. My sisters were with us. They looked at each other. They looked at me. I was experiencing righteous indignation. Big time.
But.
It was early in the morning. We were supposed to spend the entire day together on the boat. Having fun. It’s not like I was going to divorce my husband over this. We weren’t going to spend the rest of our lives angry over this. So what was the point of fighting over the fact that . . . what? I shouldn’t have run the boat aground? He should have believed me when I said I didn’t know what I was doing? Whatever we would have been fighting about would have been a complete WASTE of time! I had a choice to make.
I had witnessed the intense cruelty and immaturity of the “silent treatment” my entire childhood. I was determined not to EVER scream at my husband in anger or EVER call him an obscene name. I’d been on the receiving end of screaming and cursing and I did NOT like it. Although in my teenage years, I took the path of least resistance and followed suit. I had a quick and vicious tongue. As I grew older (and took more communication classes), I became aware of the fact that I didn’t have to react. I could choose to respond differently. I became DETERMINED to make different choices. I now have a core belief that emotions are unstable and decisions and actions which stem from them are, more often than not, irrational. I was not going to “right back atcha” my new husband in this situation.
I had a chance to show my sisters what healthy conflict resolution looked like. And I took it. I’ve mentioned before that FirstHusband and I have employed a conflict resolution model since before we got married. At that time in our relationship, we were getting good at it. Step 2 is “choose the best time to speak” and this was not it. NEVER try to resolve a conflict when one of the parties is angry. We were both angry. He was still angry about the boat, but also feeling bad about what he said. I was still hurt and angry. I said I wasn’t ready to talk about it – and then, to my sister’s complete surprise and confusion, I engaged in conversation and activities with everyone as if nothing had happened. No silent treatment while I waited for the best time to speak. I LET IT GO. I had fun. We had fun. I had truly forgiven him. Oh. Make no mistake. We were still going to talk about it, but I wasn’t going to waste the day pouting. Pointless.
Later that day, while fishing and bored, we went on to complete the conflict resolution model, in front of my sisters. (I have GOT to post about the model soon. When I do, I’ll put it on Pragmatic Communication and link to it from Compendium.)
Reading this chapter has also reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother a few years ago. I actually wrote it in my journal. Here are some excerpts from August, 2006.
She said: “I’m not in love anymore.”
I said: “IN love? After 15 years with my husband, I’m not “IN love.” I LOVE my husband. He’s my companion, my best friend and we can’t go half a day without talking to each other.”
She said: “Well, I think that’s kinda sad.”
I said: “You and I have a completely different idea about the definition of a good marriage.”
(I’m thinking: You can’t maintain “IN love.” It’s an unsustainable high. FirstHusband thinks “IN love” is chemical. Real love is a commitment and EFFORT. I agree.)
Later in the conversation:
She said: “After nearly 45 years of marriage, your father and I can’t learn to communicate differently.”
I said: “Yes, you can. You just choose not to. You go to the beach instead. That’s just what you do. It’s familiar. It’s a pattern. It’s easier.”
Beginning on page 88, there’s a list of what Mrs. Peace calls “Common Signs of Bitterness” In my opinion, that title should be changed to something stronger, like:
“9 Things to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, Do. Never.”
This list is worth the price of the book. If every married person in the world was dedicated to NEVER doing these 9 things, I think the divorce rate might actually hit rock bottom.
Another EXCELLENT suggestion? Mrs. Peace describes it using an example:
Supposed you believe that the problems in your marriage are 40% your fault and 60% his responsibility. God wants you to begin biblically dealing with your bitterness by taking 100% responsibility for your 40%.
Mrs. Peace? AMEN AGAIN, sister!
The entire section in this chapter which focuses on Bitterness contains some great advice, strongly supported by scripture. The suggestion to make “second mile investments” in a marriage relationship is founded on the idea that “My response is my responsibility.” I’m not responsible for my spouse’s actions and, whatever they may be, they are certainly not a “free pass” for me to forgo MY responsibilities. Check out this concept. Personally, I’m really trying to do this.
A long time ago, I heard a radio commentator explain a way to change an attitude by first changing behavior. The suggestion that I remember to this day is that, whenever I catch myself saying or even THINKING a negative thought about my husband, I STOP. Just STOP. In mid breath, if necessary.
And turn it around. Consciously choose to say or think something GOOD instead. CHOOSE to think only positive things about your spouse. REFUSE to say or even THINK negative thoughts. The more you do this, the more you won’t have to try. By changing this ONE behavior, you can turn around an entire relationship.
On pages 94 to 96, Mrs. Peace gives some very specific reversals of self-talk. Excellent examples.
She also takes this example I heard on the radio a step further. She recommends that you write down your thoughts word for word. Then take the time to go over each thought and convert it to a kind, tender-hearted or forgiving thought. She very wisely reminds us to destroy the bitter thoughts list no one would be hurt if they were to read it.
Bitterness can’t thrive in forgiveness. Where did I here this one?
“When you don’t forgive someone, it’s like taking poison, expecting the other person to die.”
Mrs. Peace also explains that forgiveness and trust are not the same. She points us to Chapter 14, the God’s Provision, Resources for the Wife’s Protection.
Then Mrs. Peace talks about pride. I think pride is a killer of relationships. It’s the need to be right at the expense of all else. Sometimes it’s the need for the other person to not only admit you are right, and that they are wrong, but to do it in front of witnesses. It’s a power struggle and it takes a relationship nowhere but down.
Mrs. Peace also talks about fear and points us to Chapter Nineteen, The Wife’s Fear, Overcoming Anxiety. I’ll wait till Chapter Nineteen.
Lastly, Mrs. Peace talks about 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. A perfect ending to this chapter.
Chapter 8 of the Excellent Wife by author Martha Peace is entitled, “Home, The Wife’s Domain.”
I’m really trying to read this with an open mind, but I honestly admit, I have what, in communication theory is called a “latitude of rejection.” There are three “latitudes” when it comes to persuasion and the acceptance of ideas:
A latitude of acceptance is when you have a preexisting tendency to accept an idea.
A latitude of non-commitment is when you have no preexisting thoughts on the matter, thus no leaning towards acceptance or rejection.
A latitude of rejection is when you have a preexisting tendency to reject an idea.
My latitude of rejection is based on the fact that, in the early years of our marriage, FirstHusband and I, surrounded by Baptist doctrine, sorted many of these issues out ourselves. Actually, to be more accurate, FirstHusband (a preacher’s kid) had already sorted out much of what he believed about the wife’s role before we were together. He just had to help me to understand it. He told me the beginning of his perspective. When he was a teenager, his conservative Baptist church hired a husband and wife youth minister team. The wife was intelligent, articulate, engaging and a gifted speaker. The husband . . . looked good. (FirstHusband used the word “Himbo.”) The church had a difficult time letting the woman take the lead she was naturally gifted to take. They preferred the husband take the lead, even though he was a terrible speaker and was (in FirstHusband’s word) stupid. FirstHusband spent a lot of time in the Bible researching whether God really expected this bright, articulate, gifted person to stop serving God in this situation, just because she was a woman. I asked FirstHusband if he had a crush on this woman and he said, “No. I really respected her and thought she got a bum deal. Besides, she had red hair.” (Red hair confirms it – no crush. No offense red-headed readers, but FirstHusband is not attracted to red heads.)
I also taught (and graded papers for) business and professional communication at UCF for 7 years. My experience as a teacher steers me toward the holes in Mrs. Peace’s research and drives me to find support for her declarative statements. When I can’t find that support, the declarative statement loses it’s meaning.
I’m also struggling to figure out how to explain myself without sounding like I’m a heathen or that I think I’m exempt from the Bible’s instructions. I promise I’m neither. I just believe that if we, as humans are actively involved in a close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ and we actively seek to know and live within His moral will through the wisdom found in His Word, we will actively strive to live our lives in a way that is pleasing to Him and that glorifies Him. That “way” often looks very different from person to person, from marriage to marriage and from family to family. I believe “different” isn’t “wrong” – if it’s within the moral will of God. If someone doesn’t agree with my point of view, I don’t perceive them to be “out of the will of God” or sinful. I believe it’s okay to agree to disagree. I believe Christians have more in common than not. I want to focus on the stuff we have in common, rather than debate the few things we may see differently.
If we spend time in prayer, not only talking, but “abiding” then we will have a peace and understanding of how we are to order our lives. To come back to the topic of this chapter – and this book in general, we do need to be confident that the way we conduct ourselves as Christian wives is supportive of our husbands. We need to be confident that our husbands feel respected, needed and appreciated. I just don’t always agree with Mrs. Peace on how I should accomplish that. At the end of the day, it’s my HUSBAND’s opinion as to whether I’m accomplishing those goals that’s important to me.
For instance, it’s Memorial Day. FirstHusband isn’t on travel and he isn’t at work. He’s making pancakes. Right now. While I’m sitting on the couch typing this. Let me ask him why he’s doing that.
“Hey hon, why are you making pancakes?”
L O N G pause.
“Why not?”
“I mean, are you making pancakes because I don’t?”
“No. I don’t think of it that way. I just do it for the kids because they like it.”
“Do you wish I would make pancakes sometimes?”
“No. Not necessarily.”
“Why? Would it take away from your “thing?”
“No. I don’t think of it that way. I don’t mind if you want to make pancakes.”
See how pointless this is? He’s making pancakes because he wants to. Sometimes a guy just isn’t all that deep.
Does the fact that he’s cooking while I’m sitting mean I’m not exemplifying an “Excellent Wife?” What about the fact that he just brought me a cup of coffee, creamed and sweetened just the way I like? What does that mean? In our house, it just means that he was already fixing himself a cup and it was no big deal. He wanted to do something nice for me. Sometimes guys just aren’t that deep.
Now, he did use the coffee pot I picked out. (Thanks for the referral, Lisa Writes!) He got the creamer and the sweetener out of cannisters I picked out and placed in their current location. I picked those particular cannisters and placed them in their location in an effort to be organized and make them convenient. Using the Underwear Principle, I actually created a coffee “station” with all the supplies needed for coffee located in one spot.
In the cabinet above are the coffee mugs, travel mugs, coffee filters and creamer refill. I bought identical plastic containers to store coffee in the freezer door (right behind this spot) and marked one of them “decaf.” I even decorated this area by purchasing multi-opening frames, finding, typing and printing coffee and tea “quotes” on pretty card stock and framing each one. (Please forgive the sideways photo.) One of the quotes says, “A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar.” (He’s had a mustache since I’ve met him.)
I did this for him. For me. For us.
At the end of the day, I’m me. I have to live with me. I have to live authentically. For me, that means I have to go back to the Bible on all this. I’m seeking Biblical wisdom. I’m learning. I believe this book is prompting me to learn. What I’m doing here is documenting my learning process, probably more for myself than for anyone who happens upon these posts. So, fully aware of my latitude of rejection, here goes.
Chapter 8 begins with a description of two very different women, Tracy and Stacy. Two polar opposites. Both examples are extreme. Tracy sounds like a “pleaser” who can’t say no because she desperately wants people to like her and she’s probably headed for collapse due to exhaustion. Stacy sounds clinically depressed and should go to the doctor for a full physical exam. The thing is, in my circle of friends and acquaintances, most of the women I know don’t fit in either example. Most of the women I know are significantly more balanced than either of these women. I personally can’t relate to the examples. I don’t identify with Tracy or Stacy. So, if Mrs. Peace is saying that Christian wives should NOT be like either of these women, then check. I’m good so far.
Mrs. Peace follows with the statement:
“A godly wife is organized and works hard to operate her home with the least possible chaos. She also creates an optimistic, joyful atmosphere for her family.”
Still okay. But I can substitute “godly wife” with “good wife” and still agree.
Then comes a declarative statement:
“God has always intended for the home to be the wife’s domain.”
Here’s the thing. I probably agree with that. If we define it the same. But do we? To what extent is “the home to be the wife’s domain?” To the exclusion of what else? This is the crux of it for me. To the exclusion of what else?
As Biblical support for her statement, “God has always intended for the home to be the wife’s domain.” Mrs. Peace quotes only the “verses that pertain to the home” in Proverbs 31. She says that “out of twenty two verses, nine refer directly to her work in the home.” Less than half.
Let’s take these one by one, and I’m going to type EXACTLY what Mrs. Peace quotes here:
“She looks for wool and flax, and works with her hands in delight…” (Proverbs 31:13)
She works hard and enjoys her work. I can’t find anything to indicate this refers “directly” to her work in the home.
“She rises also while it is still night, and gives food to her household, and portions to her maidens…” (Proverbs 31:15)
Now here’s something I never knew before. “portions” to her maidens. I always read that in a very straightforward way. I thought portions meant percentage. I thought she gave her maidens “portions” of food. Here’s what www.blueletterbible.org says about the meaning of the word “portions.” The Hebrew word is “choq” and it means:
1) statute, ordinance, limit, something prescribed, due
a) prescribed task
b) prescribed portion
c) action prescribed (for oneself), resolve
d) prescribed due
e) prescribed limit, boundary
f) enactment, decree, ordinance
1) specific decree
2) law in general
g) enactments, statutes
1) conditions
2) enactments
3) decrees
4) civil enactments prescribed by God
Now see, THIS is why I’m still reading this book. I’m glad I learned that. Mrs. Peace didn’t teach it to me, but if I didn’t doubt her proper application of scripture, I would have NEVER looked up each individual word in this verse. I never knew the Proverbs 31 woman wasn’t feeding her servants. She was giving them their assignments for the day. (I just told FirstHusband that if he really loved me, he would get me some maidens and he said I have to go do some sort of honorable work near the town gate and make sure everyone knows how great he is first. Bummer.)
“She considers a field and buys it, from her earnings she plants a vineyard…” (Proverbs 31:16)
This is straightforward. She buys a field and plants a vineyard. I really don’t understand how this is “directly” related to work at home. It sounds like she’s an entrepreneur. Unless the vineyard is near her home and the grapes (and wine?) will only be consumed by her household and not sold. In my understanding, this verse doesn’t relate “directly” to her work at home at all.
“her lamp does not go out at night…” (Proverbs 31:18)
Now this is why I’m double checking Mrs. Peace’s application of scripture. She left out the first half this verse. Here’s verse 18 in its entirety:
“She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.”
Now why omit the first part of the verse? I’m off to http://www.blueletterbible.org to find out what it means. The verse used there is in the King James Version:
“She perceiveth that her merchandise [is] good: her candle goeth not out by night.”
Back over to blueletterbible to look up “trading” or “merchandise.” The Hebrew word is “cachar” and the Outline of Biblical Usage reads:
“1) traffic, gain, profit, gain from merchandise”
This part of the verse definitely doesn’t seem to relate “directly” to work at home.
Then I looked up the part of the verse Mrs. Peace DID quote here. I looked up the word “candle” or “lamp.” The Hebrew word is “niyr” and the Gesenius’s Lexicon Help reads:
“a lamp, always used figuratively of progeny.”
and then there’s text I can’t type due to keyboard limitations, followed by a reference to 1 Kings 11:36, “that David my servant might always have a lamp,” i.e. that his race might continue for ever; and notes to compare its use to 1 Kings 15:4; 2 Kings 8:19, and 2 Chronicles 21:7.
Figuratively? I never read that “figuratively” before. I took it literally. Lamp. Candle. Didn’t go out at night.
I need some commentary on the “figurative” use of this word, so I pick one on blueletterbible. A. R. FAUSSET says:
“17, 18. To energy she adds a watchfulness in bargains, and a protracted and painful industry. The last clause may figuratively denote that her prosperity (compare Pro 24:20 ) is not short lived.” (emphasis added)
Interesting. Totally NOT what I thought. Very cool! Thanks to Mrs. Peace again for prompting me to look up each word in this verse – even the part she omitted. Unfortunately, her application of this verse – that it refers “directly” to a woman’s work at home – isn’t supported.
“She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle…” (Proverbs 31:19)
This one seems pretty straightforward and let me just say, THANK YOU to Samuel Slater.
“…all her household are clothed with scarlet…” (Proverbs 31:21)
ewwww. I really didn’t need to know where the dye came from. But here she takes care of her family’s wardrobe. DIRECTLY related to her work at home!
“She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple…”
She dresses well, and makes her own clothes. I can’t sew. I do not believe my inability to sew means I’m failing my family or God. When the literal translation doesn’t fit today’s culture, I look for intent. My clothes look nice, they fit and they are reasonably priced. I just buy my clothes instead of make them. Often second hand or at Ross. So is this verse “directly” related to the Proverbs 31 woman’s work at home? Sure, why not?
“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the Tradesmen…” (Proverbs 31:24)
I don’t understand how this is “directly” related to her work at home. She’s an entrepreneur.
“She looks well to the ways of her house, and does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Proverbs 31:27)
So I found three verses, not nine. But I learned that I need some maidens and was reminded that my prosperity is not short-lived. Good Bible study. Overall, time well spent.
Back to Mrs. Peace:
“The excellent wife’s home-based ministry does not apply just to King Solomon’s day, but to our day, as well. The Apostle Paul wrote to Titus about this very issue.
Older women (are to) teach what is good…that they may encourage the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands… (Titus 2:3-5)”
Then Mrs. Peace gives some Biblical support! She notes that “worker at home” is translated from “oikourgos” and says that the word is derived from two root words, “oikos” which means “a dwelling, a home or a household” and “ergon” which means “to work or be employed.” But http://www.blueletterbible.org says that the second root word for “oikourgos” is “ouros.” Not “ergon.” So I look up both.
ergon does mean “business, employment, that which any one is occupied” but is it a root of oikourgos?
So while the definition of “ergon” is correct, where did Mrs. Peace get “ergon” as a root of oikourgos? She follows by explaining that a “worker at home” is someone who guards the dwelling or is a keeper of the household – which is the definition of “ouros.”
So I’m confused. What is she saying? How does “ergon” fit with “guards the dwelling?” She used one definition and supported it with the meaning of another. Did I mention I was confused?
It seems there’s a discrepancy as to the second root word. I’m going to break it down and follow the bread crumbs:
“oiko urgos”
“urgos” is the word I want to understand.
Some sources indicate it is a form of “ouros” i.e. “keeper,” – which more accurately means someone who is watching over something or being a guardian.
A form of.
Some sources indicate “urgos” is derived from the root word “ergon” which means “work,” “employment,” or “task.”
Derived from.
I understand that the Bible COMPLETELY reveals the moral will of God. I get that. But there’s a problem. For like . . . EVER, people have been using passages to support their premise and point of view. There will ALWAYS be disagreement, even among Christians, as to the specific directives found there.
So which translation is correct? A FORM of the word or another word from which it is DERIVED? This is why I will never go to seminary.
“Oikourgos is a compound based on the word oikos, “house”. It is translated as if it was a noun (many Greek nouns end in -os). However, the -os noun ending is masculine. Since in this context it is referring to women, the masculine ending would not be correct. Therefore we know that the word is not a noun. Instead, the ending is actually a different suffix: -os in its usage as an adjective-forming verbal suffix.
The KJV translators saw the word oikourgos as a noun, and since it was describing a person, they took it to mean a certain type of person. Since oikos means “house” and urgos (a form of ouros) comes from a root meaning “to keep”, they translated it in the KJV as “keepers at home”.
Oiko-, as you should remember from the above explanation, means house. The form -urgos, a form of ouros, means “to keep”. In the case of compound words, it means “taking care to keep something (in good condition)”. The entire word, oikourgos, then means “mindful (or careful) to keep their houses in good condition”.
You decide for yourself. As for me and my house? I’m going with “ouros” and I’m going to be mindful to keep my house in good condition.
Forgive me if I don’t track down the meaning of “oikodespoteo” as Mrs. Peace uses it with regard to keeping widows of trouble and preserving their reputation. I’m just too tired.
But back to the term “worker at home.” I have a few questions? What about children? The two verses quoted here, Titus 2:3-5 includes “to love their children” and 1 Timothy 5:14 includes “bear children.” What does Mrs. Peace say about raising children in this chapter? Not very much:
” . . . but I do believe that God intended for the women, especially the younger women, to stay home and do a good job of caring for their homes and for their families. A wife who is gone with too many activities or work does not have the time nor energy to keep her home as it should be kept.
If a wife is working or is thinking of returning to work, she should examine her motives. What is it she really wants? What is her heart set on? Is it to avoid becoming a “non-person?” Is it more material things? Is it wanting to be out from under the demands of child care? Is it to relieve her husband from his responsibility to work? None of these motives are for the glory of God. They are self-serving and sinful. Godly motives would be “learning to be content” (Philippians 4:11), “gratitude to the Lord for what she does have” (I Thessalonians 5:18), and “whatever you do in thought, word, and deed, do all for the glory of God” (I Corinthians 10:31). Staying at home and organizing a clean, well run household is a major biblical emphasis in the God-given ministry of the wife.(emphasis added)
It’s the declarative statement I’m having trouble with. Staying at home and organizing a clean, well run household is a major biblical emphasis in the God-given ministry of the wife? “Major biblical emphasis” is some fairly strong language. Are the verses she quotes here the “major biblical emphasis” which support this statement? I don’t see the connection. Doesn’t the “God-given ministry of the wife” include raising her (and her husband’s) children?
I’m left wondering because there’s no more on this. Mrs. Peace moves on:
“Many times, if a couple did an honest appraisal of the wife’s income, and looked at how much they spent on transportation, child care, taxes, clothing, lunches out, dinners out, and increased grocery bills due to buying prepared foods, the couple would likely see that they are actually losing money. How much wiser might it be for her to stay home and care for her family!”
Now HERE I agree with Mrs. Peace. I actually drafted this part of the post earlier in the week and stopped to write another, entitled “to work or not to work, that is the question.”
Then Mrs. Peace throws out a question.
“What if a husband instructs a wife to work? Is she to be submissive?”
Her answer makes me very, Very, VERY uncomfortable:
“Yes, unless she can show him that she would be sinning by working. It would be sinful for her to financially support her husband so that he could be irresponsible or lazy. Instead, she should take advantage of the biblical resources God has given to protect her.”
Why is the assumption that a man without a job is “irresponsible” or “lazy?” There are other possibilities. He might be an excellent family manager and caregiver to their children. What if she had a higher earning power? What about “unless the wife can show him that she would be sinning by working?” How would she do that? This is the most disturbing part of the answer for me. That she should “take advantage” of the “biblical resources” God has given to protect her. Is this using the Bible as a weapon? As a tool to manipulate? That’s a fine line I don’t want to walk.
Christians have been using the Bible – in and out of context – since forEVER to prove their point. (Did I say this before?) Each side using words like Mrs. Peace uses when she says, “Common sense would dictate . . . ” The problem is that my “common sense” doesn’t lead me to the same conclusions as Mrs. Peace. Now what? What happens when a husband and wife come to different conclusions? What if the wife believes she is sinning by working and her husband doesn’t? She should submit? But she should live in sin? In Chapter Two of Excellent Wife, Mrs. Peace says God’s authority overrides the husband’s authority. This reasoning is a circle.
I’m going to skip the part where Mrs. Peace believes the church has a responsibility to help a woman to be able to stay at home with her children if her husband were to die. In today’s culture, that’s not the norm.
Then Mrs. Peace relates some practical housekeeping tips that have obviously worked for her. Take what you can use, but since these aren’t biblical directives, no condemnation for not employing any of them. I agree 100% with the premise that “A little bit of prior planning makes all the difference in the world.”
Finally, there’s the “Lazy Person” vs. “Self-Disciplined Person” comparison chart on page 75. If you recognize yourself as a “Lazy Person” make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible. Make sure you are physically and mentally healthy. If you believe you may be a “Perfectionist,” please consider counseling. Whose expectations are you trying to meet? Are you a product of “conditional” love? Before you assume sin, rule out health related possibilities.
(Disclaimer: This is written primarily for married couples with children. I realize single parents have far fewer options – BUT some ideas might work for a single parent home as well.)
Okay, before I even get started – let me clarify. Throughout this post, when I say “work” I really mean “work outside the home.” I totally understand that managing a home, supporting a husband (or wife) and raising kids is work. I TOTALLY get that.
Since I’ve had kids, I’ve worked full-time, I’ve stayed at home with kids and I’ve worked part-time. I’ve been in all three positions and I won’t tell you one is better than another. I know what’s better for ME. You’re going to have to make that determination for yourself. But here’s the thing.
Decide on purpose.
Don’t just take the next step because it’s next. Don’t just assume you have no options. Make a plan to get where you want to be and don’t lose sight of your goal, whether your goal is to be at home with your kids, to complete or continue your education, to advance your career or anything else in between. Don’t get discouraged if it takes a while (maybe a few years) to get where you want to be. You can be years older and still be doing what you are doing now or you can be years older and be living your dream. Either way, you’re going to be years older. So take action and don’t give up! And more than anything – please don’t judge someone who makes a different choice.
Here’s my story:
Before I got married in 1990, I worked full time and went to school part time. In the early years of our marriage, I continued to work full time and attend college part time. My new husband was on a fellowship which prohibited him from taking a job (or he would have lost his financial aid). So at that time in our marriage, my job served as a significant source of income, paid for my schooling through tuition reimbursement and provided our health insurance. My husband, a full time student, took care of our home (and me) more than I did.
(A note on NOT GIVING UP – It took me NINE years to get my undergraduate degree and another 2 to get my MBA. I was 30 by the time I finished school. But since I was going to be 30 no matter what, I wanted to be 30 with a Master’s degree. My youngest sister will be getting her Master’s degree this year. She’s 30 years old and she worked a full-time job that paid tuition reimbursement too. She’s pregnant with her first child now. Whatever your goal – DON’T GIVE UP.)
Then, within two years, a whirlwind of changes took place in this order: I graduated from MBA school and got a “career” job, we had our first child, my husband got a full-time career position, we bought our first house (the mortgage payment was almost the same as our monthly rent) and I went into business for myself. At that time, because our lifestyle had been adjusted and supported by “college” job wages for so long, FirstHusband’s salary was enough for us to live on. My income was no longer needed for our budget at that point in time. I had also started working as a consultant/computer trainer BEFORE I quit my job and had work lined up. Since my business was service based (no inventory needed), there were very few expenses associated with operating it. So going into business for myself at that time wasn’t as risky as it sounds.
But going into business was FirstHusband’s idea. I would have NEVER had the courage to do it on my own. It was his encouragement, financial and emotional support, enthusiasm and belief in me that bolstered me as I incorporated in February of 1996. My son was just 8 months old. By the end of 1998, I was working WAY more than full time. My journal entries show conflict. Professionally and financially, I had exceeded my goals and the price for this “success” was proving to be more than I wanted to pay. I was tired and I missed my family. We wanted another baby. Unlike many of our friends and colleagues, we hadn’t spent more money when we’d made more money, so financially, we were close to paying off our debt (including student loans) and we had paid 20% of our new mortgage, removing the PMI. But with two kids (hopefully) and the expenses related to home ownership, our living expenses were going to be greater than they were in college. So we needed to make a plan for me to cut back.
If you’ve read my stuff before, you know what I did when I was faced with this problem. I bought books (used books, of course) and learned as much as I could. I sought out people who were making it work and made notes of their successful strategies. I’ll share my original resources, as well as some new ones, later on in this post.
We incorporated many of the ideas I found in my research and in the end, our plan included me continuing to work full-time until we paid off our debt (including both car payments) and refinanced our house from 30 to 15 years. We started working on our plan a year before I got pregnant and PinkGirl was almost 2 years old before we reached our goals. (DON’T GIVE UP!) It was then I stopped soliciting new clients, I ditched the clients I didn’t like (in a polite way), and cut WAY back, MANY months not working at all, some months, working anywhere from 3 to 20 hours. I took a few projects that had me working full-time for up to 6 weeks at a time, but for the most part, I was working very, Very, VERY little.
When PinkGirl started kindergarten, it was weird. Without any marketing, I got a new client and two “dormant” clients became active. (God is good!) I’m now working more, but I only go to client site while the kids are in school – and NEVER on Fridays. With advances in technology, much of my consulting work is over the internet now- even some of the training.
This is what is best and right for my family at this time in our lives.
So what’s right for you?
From all that I’ve read, one of the first questions most people ask themselves is “Can I even afford to stay home with kids?” Good question. I asked it myself.
The first thing to do is get the numbers on paper (figuratively or literally). Figure out ALL your expenses, and differentiate the expenses which result from working in the first place. One thing most people don’t take into account is that there ARE increased expenses when a “non-breadwinner” works outside the home. (I’m not going to say, “when a woman works outside the home” because I know some families who are VERY happy with a reversal of the traditional roles.)
Childcare is often a BIG expense resulting from working outside the home. When children are in (public) school, there’s no childcare expense – unless it is for after school care.
What about the price of GASOLINE?! Would you use less gas if you didn’t work outside the home? What about tolls?
Would you need the same number of cell phone minutes and data if you didn’t work outside the home? Could you ditch certain features of your service?
Does this second income throw you into a higher tax bracket?
Would you forgo impulse purchases because you would have more time to comparison shop? Would you have more time to shop thrift stores or garage sales? (I HATE to pay retail!)
Purchased drinks, snacks and meals during the workday can easily add up to some big numbers. For you AND for kids at school because making and packing lunches is just one more thing that doesn’t always get done at the end of a L O N G day? What about making lunch for the husband too? How much would that save?
Is your grocery bill higher when you work outside the home due to buying prepared foods and would the bill be lower if you cooked more “from scratch?”
Stopping for takeout or eating out at restaurants at the end of an exhausting day can be another “hidden” expense resulting from working outside the home.
Don’t forget the cost of work clothes, including shoes, accessories and consumables, like hosiery. What about dry cleaning? Would that expense be reduced or eliminated?
What about personal services, like manicures and pedicures? If you get them regularly, could you do them regularly yourself and TREAT yourself once in a while instead?
Would you wear as much makeup? And would you wear it every day? Not sure? How much do you use on weekends? (I’m NOT saying you should “let yourself go” – I still wear makeup. It’s got sunscreen in it.)
What about the hair salon you go to? (I still color my hair and get it cut regularly. I just changed salons and now pay HALF what I did before.)
Is it possible that you are actually LOSING money by working outside the home? FIND OUT!
Check out this woman’s story. She worked 40 hours a week at an hourly rate of $11. After calculating her work-related expenses, she made $315 a MONTH. That’s less than $2 an hour!
So do the numbers work out for you? Can you afford to stay home or work part-time? If the numbers don’t work out today, when would they if you made some changes now? Don’t rush it to the point that the process takes over your life, but DON’T GIVE UP.
What if you were in business for yourself? What would provide a higher hourly rate and more flexible hours? What would it take to get there? Don’t say, “But I’ll be 50 by the time I get there!” You’ll be 50 anyway. Be realistic. Ditch pessimism. For me, it took 11 years to complete my education and about 6 years of working more than full time to build a reputation and a client base. It’s NOT impossible. You may need course adjustments along the way. You may need to take time off from your plan (whatever it is) from time to time. Just don’t quit.
The biggest advice I have? MAKE a PLAN! Remember, how long it took for me to graduate. Remember how long it took for our family to reach our goal for me to work part-time. You have to plan for it. Be prepared for it as much as you can. Take a look at this 6 Month Stay-At-Home Mom Plan.
And don’t forget the BOOKS! (Don’t pay full price! Buy them USED!) Women Leaving the Workplace by Larry Burkett (priced starting at 34 cents on Amazon). Debt Free Living by Larry Burkett (priced starting at $.95 on Amazon). Family Financial Workbook by Larry Burkett (priced starting at $6.42 on Amazon). Debt-Proof Living by Mary Hunt (priced starting at $2.39 on Amazon). The Complete Cheapskate by Mary Hunt (priced starting at $.39 on Amazon). You Can Afford to Stay Home With Your Kids: A Step-By-Step Guide for Converting Your Family from Two Incomes to One by Malia McCawley Wyckoff and Mary Snyder (priced starting at $1.55 on Amazon).
This post was inspired by reading Chapter 8 of Excellent Wife as part of a book study with Leslie at Lux Venit. I stopped in the middle of writing my post on that chapter to write this post instead. Read my response to Chapter 8 HERE. It appears I’m failing submission school. Again.
I’m also going to throw this in the mix over at Works for Me Wednesday hosted by Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer. (So Shannon, I notice “Atlas Shrugged” no longer appears on your reading list. It seems neither one of us cares about John Gault this year.)
Ingredients:
1 or 2 MorningStar Veggie Patties (depending on how hungry you are)
2 flour tortillas
1 t0 2 tbsp Hummus (my favorite is Sabra Supremely Spicy)
1 oz shredded cheese (my favorite is Cracker Barrel 2% Sharp White Cheddar)
a handful of shredded lettuce (or fresh spinach)
Directions:
On a small microwavable plate, nuke the MorningStar Patties for 1 minute.
Lay two tortillas side by side on a large microwavable plate.
Spread Hummus on each tortilla.
Add the shredded cheese.
Remove the cooked patties from microwave, cut into pieces and place on top of shredded cheese.
If desired, nuke for about 15 seconds to melt the cheese.
Add the lettuce and roll the tortillas.
DONE!
The last time I made these, I took some photos. Take a look!
Variations:
These photos show the Tomato and Basil Pizza Burger, but I my favorite is the MorningStar Black Bean patties. Use different flavors of hummus and cheese too. There are so many more combinations!
wow. this will be stream of consciousness, so . . . good luck following it. and you know how, when I post, I usually have a point? Yeh. Not today. I also have decided to play a little game with this post. How many bloggers can I link to in one post? Let’s see, shall we?
The last two weeks have been . . . distracting. FirstHusband was on travel Monday through Thursday of this past week and Sunday through Thursday of the week before. (I’m so thankful he was home on the weekends.) This week, there are only two full days (Monday and Tuesday) and two half days (Wednesday and Thursday) of school and then. Summer vacation. (I’m so thankful that I only work part-time, mostly at home and can spend most of the summer doing fun things with my kids.)
I don’t expect to complete a thought until 7:35am on August 13th. (yep. that would be the first day of school.)
I read a blogger recently express how May was NOT her favorite month. (Was it Lisa Writes?) I agree. My body agrees. I put myself in traction this morning and right now, I’m on a muscle relaxant (hence the stream of consciousness). I have arthritis in my neck and I haven’t put myself in traction since I started working out with a personal trainer back in September. I was so cocky. I move up to 12 pound dumbbells for my workout and think I’m all that. So. I carried a couch. Not by myself, mind you. I only carried one side of a couch. A guy carried the other. I know. I’m paying for the stupidity today. (I’m so thankful that FirstHusband is home and I don’t have to work today. It’s a good day to do nothing.)
I carried the couch at a charity garage sale I worked on Thursday and Friday. It took 16 hours on Thursday (I didn’t work all that time) to set it up and there were a LOT of volunteers. Friday morning, I listed the sale on Craigslist and spent the entire day working the sale, stopped a few minutes before 4pm to go watch the “cheer” performance PinkGirl participated in after a week of after school cheer camp. Then PinkGirl was off to her first sleepover and I went back to help pack up the leftover garage sale stuff for the charity truck that was coming Saturday morning. The whole thing was exhausting, but I’m so thankful that we made $3,500 at the sale to benefit PinkGirl’s 1st Grade teacher. In December, this mother of two was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer, and I’m so thankful that, in April, she was told her cancer was “RESOLVED!” If you have questions about cancer, go on over to simply a musing blog and learn more about it. Thanks to Chilihead/Melanie over at Don’t Try this at Home for the link!
Going back in time to last Saturday, May 10th, I provided program and music at the Mother’s Day Brunch at my church. I’m so thankful that I didn’t forget any of the lyrics to either song, that people laughed in all the right places during my presentation and that I remembered all the sign language to my second song (Word of God Speak). I hadn’t delivered a full program in over two years and I was so stressed about it. I rehearsed in my solitary time (in the car) for over a month (yes, the sign language too), and was very worried that I would lose my focus, but I’m so thankful that in the end, it was like recess! Saturday afternoon, the family went to help my mother pack for her move to Arkansas. We left to come home at 9:45pm and the packing was still not finished. But I’m so thankful that we didn’t go back over there on Mother’s Day, but rather, spent the day together as a family.
Sunday (Mother’s Day), I sang at church and then came home to spend the afternoon saving hundreds of tiny little lives. See this is what you get when you don’t stock up on pool filters for the winter:
I spent Mother’s Day afternoon scooping HUNDREDS of tadpoles out of the pool. It was a mindless task, just what I needed that day and I’m so thankful for the opportunity to show my kids the various stages of frog life. Who am I kidding? I thought was cool! I had never seen a tadpole/frog in mid development before. Two legs in front, tail in the back? Weirdly cool. We put some in various stages of development a fish bowl and took them to PinkGirl’s 1st grade classroom for a few days. Then, when it was time for PinkGirl to say goodbye to all her (named) friends, I’m so thankful that BestDaddy was home to go with her down to the edge of the pond behind our backyard. They let the little guys go and had some wonderful Daddy/Little Girl time. Jump to today and BestDaddy and PinkGirl spent the afternoon saving more lives before finally draining the pool all the way. Then another trip to water’s edge and some fun alone time together. So sweet. In a span of one week, we transferred hundreds, if not more than a thousand little frogs to be from our redneck (above ground) swimming pool into a pond behind our house.
“Well, I read it because you asked me to. But . . . I’ve already been through all that and I just don’t want to do it again. I don’t believe that way and I don’t want you to do those things. I like us the way we are.”
I’m so thankful for this man. And for his momma. When we first began dating, he often told me that he was drawn to me because I was “different” than the other girls in Baptist Campus Ministry. Over the last 18 years, he’s convinced me that “different” was a compliment. When I studied communication in college, I learned about a phenomenon called Groupthink. In a (tiny, little) nutshell, Groupthink refers to the idea that absolute consensus is a bad thing. It produces poor decisions. Well, in our marriage, Groupthink isn’t part of our relationship. We challenge each other. We tell each other the truth, but always in love. If one of us is wrong, we want to know about it BEFORE we make a fool of ourselves or lose the respect of other people. We both want to see ourselves from the other’s perspective as well as from our own. It’s a truer, more honest and well-rounded reflection. As far as The Excellent Wife book study goes? I’m still reading the book, but as I continue to ask FirstHusband what he thinks of what I’m reading, I can tell you, the content of the book isn’t motivating life/marriage changes for us.
I LOVE the “momku” written by Jesus and Dark Chocolate! I think I need a grown-up slumber party like Domestic Accident. I definitely need to find out what Alyson is talking about. What is this “PedEgg” thing she’s talking about? And Rebekah? I’m right there with you when you say, “I’ve ‘met’ many people through blogging who I really wish I could live next door to and sit on the front porch with a cup of tea and chat.” And a big thanks to Mir for giving me a heads up on the next book I want: “Sleep is for the Weak.” And now Jane at What about Mom? has given yet another nudge to read “Atlas Shrugged” boost since I read that Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer had “Atlas Shrugged” on her reading list this year – but now it’s not on her list anymore. hmmm. I LOVE the photographs Chris posts over at Notes from the Trenches. Really, make the time to look. Wonderful! Also, check out the “Dadsense” song from Anita Renfroe over at Mommy Needs Coffee. It’s her follow-up to the Mom Overture I posted a while back.
So. My mother left. As I mentioned, we started packing her on Saturday, May 10th. On Tuesday, around 4:30pm, MiddleSister (mine) called from the Walmart parking lot while she was waiting for my mom to pick up prescriptions. MiddleSister drove the truck to Arkansas, following my mom, who drove her car. It took from Saturday till Tuesday to pack the truck. Monday I went over to my Dad’s house (sounds weird – “Dad’s House”) to help. I’m not even going to go there, but suffice it to say, at the end of the day, FavoriteSon asked:
“Mom? Can I ask you a question? Did I do anything right today?”
ouch.
I immediately apologized to him and told him it wasn’t his fault. I was taking out my stress on him and I was SO sorry. I HATE that I did that.
Anyway. My mom is gone. She left Tuesday and my sister flew home yesterday. She and my dad came to see me at the local bowling alley where I was at a birthday party with PinkGirl. I appreciate my sister for driving the truck to Arkansas. So much. If she didn’t do it, I’m afraid my dad would have. He is such a gracious man. I bought him a computer at the garage sale and spent Saturday morning cleaning it up, installing software and getting it set up for him.
Hey! I just realized something! I lifted the couch on Friday. My neck only hurt a little on Saturday and I had full range of motion. I bowled on Saturday. Today, I have limited motion and much more pain. So. I decree it was the bowling and NOT the lifting of the couch. Until I want to bowl again. Then, it was the lifting of the couch. Yep. That works for me.
I thought I was doing okay with the stress of all this stuff with my mom, but it turns out that my body is giving me away. I had a dental cleaning and the dentist says:
“You’ve been clenching. Does your jaw hurt?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve cracked a filling. Do you have any pain?”
“No.”
“Your temporalis muscle is about 4 times larger than normal.”
Then realization. “Could this be why I can’t open my mouth all the way? I’m a vocalist and I can’t seem to get a full voice sound because I can’t get my mouth open all the way.”
“Yes. Definitely.”
Well. crud.
Long story short? I need to relax my jaw. I cannot count how many times I caught myself clenching on Tuesday and consciously stopped. I’ve also been tapping out rhythms with my jaw. The dentist has instructed me to transfer the tapping to my fingers, so I’m going to intentionally give myself a new tic. While suggesting a mouth guard, the dentist also suggested I massage my jaw, use warm compresses, take ibuprofen and try to consciously STOP doing this. We both feel like I may be able to stop it, since it is a fairly recent development. It’s been 6 days and I can honestly say my jaw doesn’t hurt so much. I still can’t get my mouth open all the way. But it’s only been six days. I’m so thankful that I have a GREAT dentist! I didn’t always.
I got an Award this month! Mocha with Linda gave me a “You Make My Day” Award along with some wonderful, edifying comments in her post! Thanks, fellow freak!
Debbie over at Midnight Musings nominated me for another award! The Arte Y Pico award for blog creativity, design, interesting material, and contributions to the blogging community, no matter what the language. Wow. little me? cool! Thanks Debbie!
Okay, I’ll admit, I took a nap in the middle of all that. FirstHusband said I was “loopy” from the muscle relaxant and sent me off to bed.
Just before bed, PinkGirl climbed up next to me on the couch and said,
“Mom, who’s your favorite character in ‘Annie’?”
hmmm. “I would have to say, Miss. Hannagin”
“ME TOO! I like that song, ‘Little Girls’ that she sings.”
“ME TOO!”
Carol Burnette is so GREAT in this movie. (PinkGirl doesn’t really get why she’s drinking so much water. She thinks all the little girls just make Miss Hannagin crazy.)
We need a vacation. We’re going to spend a few days on the boat. DAYS, mind you. You know, drive over to the coast from our house (45 minutes away), spend the day on the boat and have it back to the marina before our storage facility closes up at 4:30pm. We may drive a little north and rent a day slip at another marina, but we would get a hotel room. LOVE LOVE LOVE the ocean. And the poem The Queen B wrote about vacation in Florida!
Still thinking about the question over at Mel’s World: If you had all the TIME in the world, and all the MONEY in the world, what would you do? Go on over and answer!
Like Lysa over at Proverbs 31 Ministries, I’ve been motivated to transition my bedroom from the “catch all” space to a relaxing haven. I’ll post photos soon.
