let’s heckle the FBI, shall we?

I received this official email last month. I’m so relieved. And wealthy, it seems. It’s so comforting to be assured by our government that they are looking out for me. Tax dollars well spent.

“From: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION [mailto:fbiofficelivemail02@earthlink.net] (earthlink.net? good cover. very sneaky.)
Sent: Friday, January 23, 2009 9:31 AM
Subject: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET (Just like me. Setting reasonable goals.)

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC .
WASHINGTON D.C ROOM, 7367 (I’m no punctuation expert, but I think your comma might be out of place.)
J. EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, DC 20535, 0001. (Must be the main office.)

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET (got that already, let’s move it along. I’m getting bored.)

We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a certified mail,Post-mail,Phone or Face-to- face conversation (no problem, I get a lot of personal emails sent to “circularfile@xxxxxx.xxx”), it is due to the urgency and importance of the security information of our citizenry. (what?) The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C), Bureau of Justice Assistance (BJA) and some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United States of America (bwahahaha!!! “some other relevant Investigation Agencies?” I was all impressed with the official collaboration of these agencies – which kind of was my first clue – until you got to “some other relevant investigation agencies.” Good agency names, though. Thanks for the acronyms, they really help.) have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network (there’s a Global intelligence monitoring network? Can you see me laughing on satellite?) that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) (I do? I’m so glad you are monitoring me. I had no idea.) as regards to your over-due contract payment (You’re going to help me get my money? Really? wow. thanks.) which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly. (yes. you are correct. it was fully endorsed in my favor. accordingly.) It might interest you to know (I’m rapt.) that we have taken out time (and honored) in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine (well, I could have told you that. It’s amazing that your investigation of this matter could be so thorough without even asking me any questions about it. Excellent work.) and hitch free from all facet and of which (when the FBI assures me that something is “hitch free from all facet” then it’s gotta be hitch free, right?) you have the lawful right to claim your payment without further delay. (you seem to have an inside scoop on all this, can’t you just get it for me?)

We will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank accordingly (yes, of course, accordingly) as we will be monitoring all their activities with you as well as your correspondence at all level. (well, okay then. As long as you monitor everything. Which you have time to do. Because the security of our country is probably being handled “accordingly” as well.) We recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case, we were made to understand that your file has been held in abase (“held in abase?” I hate it when that happens.) depending on when you personally come for the claim. (so you’re not going to get my money for me? accordingly?)

We will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank accordingly (of course. accordingly.) as we will be monitoring all their activities with you as well as your correspondence at all level. We recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria , in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case, we were made to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. (oh, come on. You are a criminal AND a LOUSY proof reader. It’s an ENTIRE paragraph repeated. You didn’t see that?)

They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous elements are using this project as an avenue to Scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the activities of the Central Bank office. (“unscrupulous elements?” That’s not what I would call you. And why is “Scam” capitalized?) We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from Ohio (Joan Bailey, Joan Bailey. Doesn’t ring a bell. Is she married to Bill?) has already contacted them, she presented all the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued about US $10,700,000.00 (Ten million Seven Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) but the Central Bank office did the wise thing (yes, very wise. they acted accordingly.) by insisting on hearing from you personally before they go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from Ohio forwarded to them, this was the main reason why they contacted us so as to assist them in contacting the true fund beneficiary and carrying out a professional investigations on this issue. (ohhhh. so THAT’s how you got involved. You protected me from theft. Thank you! Is Joan in the slammer now?)

Further more be informed that we should warn our dear citizens (The FBI is referring to the American public as “dear citizens?” I can feel the love.) who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria , to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don’t fall victim to this ugly circumstance anymore. (thanks for the warning, and this personal email to me is nice and all, but shouldn’t this warning have a little more visibility? Like maybe television and newspaper? How about the internet? Oh THERE it is.) And in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then contact immediately the real office (“the real office” umm hmm.) of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly: (of course. accordingly.)

NAME: PROF. CHARLES CHUKWUMA SOLUDO
OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria,
Tinubu Square,Lagos – Nigeria.
Email: centralbankofficeng.cbn@o2.pl
Phone: +234-805-474-0218

Note: For your best interest and ensure a proper co-ordination by this body saddled with this sanitary responsibility (“sanitary responsibility?” excuse me. I need to roll my eyes. okay. I’m back.) we advice (thanks for the sound advise) you forward any mail/e-letter that you receive which seem suspicious and does not emanate or originate from the office of the Central Bank or Federal Bureau of Investigation for cross examination before response for security reasons. (of course. accordingly) Meanwhile we advice (that would be “advise”) that you contact the Central Bank office immediately (get right on it.) with the above e-mail address and request that they attend to your payment file as directed to enable you receive your contract payment now that foreign exchange is available. (cool. everything is just falling into place.) Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards the transfer of your payment. (of course. I want to help hasten up the whole procedures.) Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms. Once again, we will advice (“advise”) that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which they may require from you for the release of your fund as time is not in your favor. (“time is not in my favor?” uh oh. I’ll hurry.)

For further information in relation with this notification or if you are at the verge of making any payment for whatsoever reason, we advice (“adviSe” get a proof reader, you sound like an idiot.) you to first reach us for professional advice (THAT’S better! good job.) to guide you against any unforeseen circumstances that might lead you into been (you mean “being?”) scammed. Be wise and don’t be deceived. (oh. don’t worry. I won’t be deceived. sorry.)

Yours Faithfully,

ROBERT SWAN MUELLER III

I’ve heckled these before – when I received Mr. Sunday’s email and the email from Adams Ofori Esq.

This is the worst one ever. WHO believes this? WHO?

Need a few more chuckles today? Check out Friday Funnies hosted by Homesteaders Heart!