i’ll get right on that, Mr. Sunday.

It’s confirmed. I got an email notice today. I’m RICH! I’m RICH, I’m RICH, I’m RICH!!!!! Woo Hoo! And I’m willing to share in the wealth! Who wants some money? It looks as though I will have PLENTY. I can’t wait to tell FirstHusband. Check it out!

“Mr. Sunday OFILI
Remittance Department
Intercontinental Bank Plc.

Attention: Beneficiary (That’s ME!)

This is to officially (see? “officially” this must really be legit!) inform you that we have verified your inheritance file presently on my desk, and I found out that you have not received your payment due to your lack of co-operation (but, I didn’t mean to not cooperate!) and not fulfilling the obligations giving (psst. that would be “given” little typo. sorry. continue.) to you in respect to your inheritance payment. Secondly, you are hereby adviced (probably just another typo) to stop dealing with some non-officials in the bank (I knew I shouldn’t have talked to that teller. she did look non-official. AND she mentioned NOTHING about this to me.) as this is an illegal act (illegal act? I’m rich now, can’t I just pay a fine or something?) and will have to stop if you so wish to receive your payment immediately. (okay, so I should deal directly with you. because you’re official. got it.)

After the board meeting held at our headquarters (wow. a board and everything.), we have resolved in finding a solution to your problem (oh thanks so much! where do I send a fruit basket? that board seriously deserves a fruit basket. tomatoes are a fruit, you know.), and as you may know (well, NO. remember, that teller didn’t say a word!), we have arranged your payment through our SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTRE in Europe, America and Asia Pacific, which is the instruction given by our president,Yar’Adua (GCFR) Federal Republic of Nigeria. (Nigeria? Hey, I’ve gotten an email from Nigeria before! but that email wasn’t official. like this one is.)

This card centre will send you an ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw your money in an ATM MACHINE in any part of the world (cool. I choose . . . Italy.), but the maximum is ($5,000) Fifteen Thousand Us Dollars (um. I’m confused. I’m sure you meant ($515,000) Five Hundred Fifteen Thousand US Dollars) in three transactions per day (it’s good that the ATM software limits withdrawals like that. I can spread my spending throughout the day). So, if you like to receive your fund this way (sure! that works for me!),you are advice (I don’t mean to embarrass you, but it’s spelled “advise” and in this case, you should add a “d” to the end. sorry. continue.) to get back to me with the following information below to enable me get back to you quickly with full details on how to receive your card.you are hereby advice to get back to me with the following through this mail box: sunday.ofili@live.com (you should fire your secretary, he/she can’t type.)

Your Card and pin number will be mail to address on file; re-confrimd address below (see what I mean? it’s like the typist can’t even speak/write English. and working for an INTERCONTINENTAL bank? seriously. take a class or something. I hear language immersion training is very effective. Some people try to get by with using translation software, but it doesn’t always get the subtleties of a language, you know?)

(1) Your Full Name (um. you don’t know who I am? how did you verify my inheritance? do you know how many Julie Mills there ARE out there? This inheritance is MINE, isn’t it?)

(2) Address where you want the payment centre to send your ATM CARD. (well, to my home, of course. the address should be right under my name on that verification thingy you mentioned.)

(3) Phone And Fax Number (fax? what you can’t PDF? I thought you had a board. “Intercontinental” and you don’t PDF? pshh.)

It is my pleasure to inform you that you are not the only beneficiary that we paid through this method (oh good! so this should go very smoothly.) we previously paid our American and Canadian beneficiary which I am forwarding their tracking numbers for verifications. (references are important. good thinking.)
Kindly, track it online on http://www.FedEx.com for more clarification and verification.

856467606835 (http://www.fedex.com, tracking, 856 . . . oh forget it. this sounds good. I don’t need to check these numbers. the fact that you provided them is proof of your honesty.)

856467606570

858407652831

856475238735

856475238768

856475238757

858407652783

856475238963

856467606673

We shall be expecting to receive your information you have stop any further communication with anybody or office. (despite your secretary’s incompetence, I get it. send you info. don’t talk to anyone else but you about this. will do.) On this regards, do not hesitate to contact me with the above mentioned information. (thank you for all your help. you are so kind. what’s your home number?)

Thanks for your co-operation. (you’re welcome!)
Best Regards,
Mr. Sunday OFILI
Remittance Department
Intercontinental Bank Plc.

Note: Because of impostors (they mess things up for everyone, don’t you think?), we hereby issue you with our code of conduct, which is (ora709) so you have to indicate this code when contacting this CARD CENTRE” (no problem. get right on it.)

Maybe I’ll pick up a quick pick lotto ticket today. Just in case this doesn’t work out, I’ll have a backup plan.