Clinging to some things.
with white knuckled fists.
things I love too much.
things I want…more than I want what God wants for me.
because the thought that the things I want and the things God wants for me aren’t the the same things?
Wrecks me.
I want to believe that the desires of my heart were placed there by God. That they are HIS desires.
I want to believe the passion I have for ministry was given to me by God.
that these desires and this passion aren’t born of my own selfish pursuit.
“want” is an understatement.
I have to let go of my dreams.
with absolutely no hope that God will ever give them back.
because giving them up while hoping I can have them back isn’t giving them up.
it’s negotiation.
manipulation.
deceiving.
myself.
not God.
He knows.
I need it to be okay with me if I never lead worship again.
I need it to be okay with me if the only time I sing is in my house and my van.
I need it to be okay with me if the draft of the book that’s currently saved on my computer lives there forever. in obscurity. unfinished.
I need it to be okay with me if my writing is limited to a blog nobody reads.
I need it to be okay with me if I never talk about how Christ has changed my life – while holding a microphone. ever again.
I need it to be okay with me if my witness is limited to the conversations I have with the individuals God places in my path each day. each hour.
and right now?
none of that is okay with me.
right now?
the fact that none of that is okay with me?
wrecks me.
me. me. me. me. me.
even I’m annoyed with the whining.
and I find myself unable to pray.
for myself.
I can thank Him. and I do.
I can worship Him. and I do.
There are moments when that’s all I can do.
I can pray intercessory prayers for other people. and I do.
over and over. every day.
But I can’t bring myself to ask Him for things I believe may be out of His will for me.
Right now, all I can see is how I’ve been trying to manipulate my circumstances.
Right now, all I can see are the ways I’ve been trying to create my own opportunities.
Instead of seeking God’s blessing, I need to seek His will.
I need to seek Him.
and He needs to be enough for me.
and right now?
He’s not.
and facing that truth…
wrecks me.
and after laying all this at His feet – after telling Him everything – the only petitionary prayer I can bring myself to pray is “Father, not my will, but Yours. no matter what.”
CLICK HERE to see a listing of all the blog posts in this series “the search for Joy.”
There is a GREAT verse that I hold onto. Philippians 2:13 “…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” God can and does change our will. I have prayed that God would help me to want to do whatever xxx is.
And isn’t it funny that yet again, we walk a similar path. I’m floundering a little in our new church–haven’t found our “place” yet. Not doing worship is both freeing and weird. I miss singing, but I love not HAVING to do it.
I’ll pray for you, sister, for God to open your mind to His plans and help you let go of yours that don’t quite match up. And also remind you that this is just a season. Worship/speaking/teaching/writing/etc may just be gone for a season. But you’re right that you need to be able to let them go.
Ouch!
Also wanted to put it out there that sometimes God doesn’t have a big, huge plan. He lets us choose to be writers or carpenters or professional organizers or whatever because of our inclinations and talents. And then just works through that choice. “WHATEVER YOU DO, do it for the Lord”.
Wow Julie! So gut wrenchingly honest!