identity crisis. part 1.
Eleven year old PinkGirl auditioned for Beauty and the Beast this month. Of course she wanted the part of Belle. At the four hour cast call backs the week after her first audition, she sang and read for Belle. The only other character she was asked to try was Babbette, the feather duster.
She couldn’t do the walk.
In the end, she got the part of Madam. The Wardrobe.
She hadn’t been asked to sing or read for any other character, and the role of the Wardrobe wasn’t announced until just before the role of Belle, so as she heard the other parts being assigned to her fellow cast members, the process of elimination gave her false hope. When her name was called, she was completely blindsided.
The moment they were dismissed, she bolted out the door, still in her jazz shoes. She held herself together until she was about three feet from the van. Since she had run out so fast, none of her friends heard her break down crying.
I got in the van and quickly drove to an empty spot in the parking lot.
Immediately – and I mean IMMEDIATELY – she leapt to the conclusion that she wasn’t good at the one thing she thought she was really good at. The decision made by this stranger somehow represented the real truth and everyone else who had ever told her she was good was just being nice. This was a sign that she should quit. This was proof that she wasn’t as good at singing and acting as she thought she was. This was God saying no, not only to Belle, but to theater. She was just fooling herself, wasting everyone’s time and her parent’s money.
She said all these things to herself and to me through broken tears. Then she SCREAMED them again at God. At the top of her lungs, she DEMANDED to know why He was breaking her heart. She told Him that He was making her feel WORTHLESS. When she wrapped her arms around my neck sobbing and screamed “I thought you LOVED me!” at God, it wrenched me. Exhausted from the screaming, she broke down again, sobbing, telling God she was sorry. That she loved him. That she would always love him. No matter what.
This had nothing to do with being disappointed about not getting the part of Belle.
Sure, she was sad and disappointed she didn’t get the role she was going for, but that’s happened before. She played an eel in Little Mermaid – and you know she didn’t go into the audition wanting that part. She was heartbroken when she didn’t get the part of Ti Moune in Once Upon this Island – she wanted that part so bad she became the secret, silent understudy because she wanted to be ready in case the lead couldn’t perform for any reason at all. And less than a year ago, she auditioned for Annie – the role every little actress dreams about – and the part went to her best friend.
She wasn’t just sad and disappointed about not getting a part. If only it were that simple. This was a full blown identity crisis. I looked it up:
identity crisis (noun) A period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person’s sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.
Here it was, two months after her 11th birthday, and she was convinced her dream of a career in theater was being taken from her. And of course, GOD was doing the taking. If she wasn’t an actress or a singer, who was she?
Sitting in the parking lot, I knew she wouldn’t be able to hear me until she had had it out with God. I didn’t stop her from screaming at Him. I didn’t reprimand her for talking to Him like that.
God can take it.
I waited. I held her. I stroked her hair. Kissed her forehead. I prayed that God would give me the words to say and that I would know the right time to say them. Suddenly, she seemed to literally run out of tears and – no surprise – she had a terrible headache. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face was pale. Her blood sugar was bottomed out and she needed to eat something. There was a Chick-Fil-A in the parking lot so I went through the drive-thru and parked again.
As we sat in the van and ate, she was quiet. Still crying, but quiet. I took a chance that she could hear me, and I decided to approach the smaller issue of Belle first, before I even tried to talk to her about her belief that it meant she wasn’t as good as she thought she was. I was hoping that if I could lessen the significance of the trigger event, the resulting blow to her self-confidence would be softened at the same time.
I told her I didn’t understand why God allowed this to happen. I said that when we face a trial, sometimes God shows us why right away, sometimes he shows us why much later and sometimes, we never get to know why.
Me: “Do you know what just happened with Aunt Wendy’s (my sister) teaching job??
PinkGirl: “no.”
Me: “You know she works at a bank 3 days a week, but about a year ago, she got hired as a college instructor to teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But the kind of teaching job she got wasn’t the kind where you just get hired and you keep the job until you leave or get fired. For this job, she got a contract to teach for one semester and then when that was finished, she got another contract to teach for another semester. You know what happened this semester?”
(negative head shake.)
Me: “She didn’t get a contract. They didn’t even call her to tell her they weren’t going to give her another contract. She was confused and hurt and upset and very worried about how they could pay their bills when she found out. Now she only has work 3 days a week. She couldn’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Then you know what happened?
(another negative head shake.)
Me: “CutiePie (my 1 year old nephew) got very, very sick. And Aunt Wendy didn’t have to leave him and go to work. She got to stay with him and take care of him most of the time he was sick. She posted a picture of him on facebook, sleeping after he was feeling better and you know what my comment was?
(another negative head shake.) “So thankful you didn’t have to teach today. God works in mysterious ways.”
(smile and tiny laugh)
I asked her if she was ready to talk about why God might have allowed this to happen in her life. Even though we can’t see the world from God’s point of view, what reasons could we think of from our limited perspective as humans?
PinkGirl: I think it’s a test.
Me: “What kind of test?”
PinkGirl, welling up again: “To see if I would love God no matter what.”
(From the moment she found out she was auditioning for Beauty and the Beast she had been praying and telling God she would love Him no matter what part she got and that whatever part that was, she would do her very best. Her dad and I prayed that prayer again with her the night before call backs and I prayed it again with her in the car on the way to call backs.)
Me: You may be right. Could it be another kind of test?
PinkGirl: “Like what?”
Me: “Could it be that God is helping you figure out if you really love theater as much as you say you do? Because, this will definitely happen again. More than once. You will want some other part and you won’t get it. And in some cases, you won’t even get a smaller role in the show you audition for. In some cases, you won’t get any role. You will probably NOT get the parts you want more often than you WILL get the parts you want.
(silent tears on her waffle fries)
Me: “PinkGirl, I don’t lie. You know I tell you the truth. You are good at this. And as good as you already are, you have the potential to get even better. I’ve told you before that I believe you can make a very good living in theater your entire life if you just don’t quit. I mean it. But you have to figure out if you can handle the disappointments that come with the joy. Do you love doing theater – no matter what?
(silent tears again)
Me: “What about your witness? GreatTheaterCompany isn’t a Christian organization. Some of the people there know you are a Christian. You invite your castmates to pray with you before shows. How can you be part of God’s story? Because HIS story is so much bigger and better than Beauty and the Beast. We need to start praying and asking God how He can use you to work all things for good.
(the tears stopped. I had her attention.)
Me: “Do you remember the story I told you about the Princess Tapestry?
PinkGirl, crying again: “Is this a dark thread?”
Me: “I think it’s pretty safe to say it is. Do you trust that God knows what he’s doing and that this dark thread will help make the tapestry beautiful? Even if you don’t get to see it until you see Him face to face?
(positive head shake with the tears again. I got another hug.)
(to be continued)
(this was written with PinkGirl’s permission)
does God “send” trials or just “allow” them?
In my post entitled “an unextraordinary life” I wrote:
“When I’ve experienced trials in my life, sure God might have sent them, but it’s just as likely He allowed them. Either way, He’s promised that He will work it all for good. Even when, from my own perspective, it didn’t seem like it was for my good.”
A reader commented:
“I agree with you that God allows trials to happen and then brings something good out of them, but I don’t believe that he sends them. Matthew 7:11 gives the picture of God as a Father who delights in giving good gifts to his children. I can’t picture a loving father purposely bringing trials into His children’s lives.”
I spent some time in 2009 reading and learning about the seeming paradox of evil and suffering vs. a loving and all powerful God. I don’t like to think of a loving Father “sending” his child trials, but I can’t ignore some evidence.
I should probably begin with my definition of the word “trials.”
I view a trial as anything in my life that causes me pain – physical or emotional. It’s something in my life that I don’t want in my life. Something I fear or dread or suffer through.
I should clarify what I mean by my use of the words “send” and “allow” as well.
When I say I believe God “sends” some trials, I’m referring to trials God intends for us – plans for us – to experience.
When I talk about God “allowing” trials, I’m referring to the things God does NOT intend for us, but doesn’t intervene to prevent or to protect us from. Maybe these trials are consequences of our own sin, maybe they are consequences of our sinful nature and freedom of choice or maybe they are just the result of random circumstances in this life.
Make no mistake, I believe Matthew 7:11:
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
When I think about my own children, I can identify with Matthew 7:11. I want to give them “good gifts” all the time. But if I never disciplined them, I would play a starring role in turning them into Veruca Salt. Leading me to Hebrews 12:6-11:
“because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
And again, thinking about my children, my mind automatically goes to the story of Abraham and Isaac. Here’s a question for you: When God told Abraham to take his son up a mountain and sacrifice and kill him, would Abraham have used the word “trial” to describe his experience? He had waited 100 years to have a son. The feelings that overwhelmed him as he left home . . . NOT telling Sarah what God had instructed him to do . . . as the minutes dragged during the agonizing climb up that mountain . . . would “trial” not be a descriptive word for that experience?
I’m thinkin it would.
And if we can agree that was a trial for Abraham, the real question is: Did God intend for Abraham to have that experience? God instructed Abraham to sacrifice his son, not as punishment for sin or to hurt him, but to test and strengthen Abraham’s faith. Abraham’s obedience – letting go of his own will for the sake of God’s will, even when it didn’t make any sense to him and wrenched his heart – was a test of faith I’m not sure I could pass.
And then there’s John 9:1-3:
“As he went along, he [Jesus] saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
I agree with what Matthew Henry has to say about the trial of this man:
That they [trials] are sometimes intended purely for the glory of God, and the manifesting of his works. God has a sovereignty over all his creatures and an exclusive right in them, and may make them serviceable to his glory in such a way as he thinks fit, in doing or suffering; and if God be glorified, either by us or in us, we were not made in vain. This man was born blind, and it was worth while for him to be so, and to continue thus long dark, that the works of God might be manifest in him.
(emphasis added)
I wrote this blog post in bits and pieces over the last 36 hours, after hearing a message emphasizing that God blesses us with strength through anointed weakness. All the while I couldn’t help thinking of Nick Vujicic. Last night, I watched a number of Nick’s youtube videos, looking for the “right” one to include in this post. I had already seen a number of Nick’s videos over the last few months but I had never heard him talk about his decision to serve Christ in any of them. I bought his biography last week, but haven’t begun reading it yet. I knew I had found the video to include when I got the 3 minute 45 second mark. Go ahead, it’s worth the 8 minutes.
“Because I have no arms and no legs He’s using me all around the world and we’ve seen so far, approximately – and this is conservative – 200,000 souls come to Jesus Christ for the very first time in the last 6 or 7 years . . . I would rather have no arms and no legs temporarily here on earth and be be able to reach someone else for Jesus Christ – and then spend eternity with them there.”
So yes. I believe that sometimes God sends us trials.
And then, there’s Rachel Barkey. I stumbled upon Rachel’s story in 2009 when I was researching the paradox of evil and suffering vs. a loving and all powerful God. Rachel died of cancer at the age of 37, leaving behind a husband and 2 small children. But before she died, she had an opportunity to give her testimony in which she describes the trials of her last years. It’s a compelling 55 minute testimony that I’ve found myself thinking about often over the last two years. You can watch it HERE (start at the 2:10 minute mark to skip to the beginning), but here’s the quote I transcribed for inclusion in a blog post after I watched it back in June of 2009:
“I am dying.
But so are you.
Neither of us knows if we will even see tomorrow. And perhaps the reason that I am suffering now, the reason that God is waiting to bring judgment against all the evil in this world is because he is waiting for you. For you to acknowledge your sin and to turn to him for forgiveness.
Maybe you are the one we are waiting for.
Jesus suffered. God did not spare him. Why would he spare me? If my suffering would result in good for you? If my suffering is the means that God would use to bring even one person to himself, it is an honor for me to suffer.
Does that seem strange?
I suppose it does.
But really, it is the only way that all of this makes any sense at all.
A God who sees my suffering but is is unable, or worse, unwilling to spare me? A God who sees my suffering but allows it? With no greater purpose or hope? My God is able to save me and he will. But save me from what?
From a life without him.”
Compelling evidence.
So yes, I believe that sometimes, God sends trials.
(thank you Jessi, for inspiring this post)
even a princess tapestry needs dark threads.
A few months ago, 10 year old PinkGirl and a friend were talking about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.
PinkGirl: “Mom, why does God make bad things happen?”
(Lord, I’m gonna need your help with this one.)
Me: “I don’t necessarily believe God makes bad things happen. I believe God allows bad things to happen. Sometimes we get to know why, sometimes we don’t. You remember the Bible verse about now I see in a mirror, dimly, then I shall see face to face?”
PinkGirl: “uh huh.”
Me: “It means that we don’t always see things clearly or understand why things happen while we are here in this life, but when we get to heaven, we will understand.
I looked up at a tapestry of Disney princesses hanging on her wall. (thank you Lord)
Me: “You see that tapestry? How beautiful it is? That’s because we can see all of it – from the front. This is like what God sees when he looks at the earth.
But look at this.”
I turned the corner of the tapestry and blocked out a small piece in my hand.
Me: “This is what we see. Just this little bit. We can’t see all of the tapestry because each part of our life is just a thread. We’re so small, and our vision is so limited, that all we can see are our own threads and the threads near us. Sometimes, it’s not very pretty. What does this look like to you?”
PinkGirl: “I dunno, it’s too small, it just looks like little blobs.”
Me: “It doesn’t look like little blobs to God. His vision is unlimited, so he can see the whole thing at the same time. And, since he’s the one who’s weaving the design, he knows exactly where each thread is supposed to go. Even if we could see the whole thing, it would still look like a mess.”
I pulled the tapestry back as far as it would go.
Me: “Can you tell what it is now?”
Both PinkGirl and her friend: “no.”
Me: “And see how there are all different colors here? Some are bright colors, some are dark. I think of the dark colors as being the trials in our life. We all want our life to be wonderful – to be light colored threads. But what would the front of this tapestry look like if all the threads were light colored? Would it be as beautiful?”
I turned the tapestry back over, showing the front side again.
PinkGirl: “It’s a flower!”
Me: “Yep. God knew it would be. His job is to weave the tapestry. Our job is to trust that he knows what he’s doing and that in the end, it will be beautiful.”
Thank you Lord, for helping Herb Lockyer write a book (Dark Threads the Weaver Needs
) in the middle of his grief and for leading me to read it a few years ago.
“My Life is but a weaving between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors, He worketh steadily.Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride,
forget that He seeth the upper, and I the underside.Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver’s skillful hand,
as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.”
Author Unknown
Like this:
Objection #4: God isn’t Worthy of Worship if He Kills Innocent Children.
I don’t understand suffering. It’s going to be the first thing I ask the Lord about when I finally see him face to face. But whenever I hear about it, observe it, experience it . . . it sends me searching for reasons I can make sense of.
“‘What makes you think children go to heaven when they die?’ I asked.
‘Isaiah 7:16 talks about an age before a child is morally accountable, before the child ‘knows enough to reject the wrong and choose the right.’ King David spoke of going to be with his son who dies at birth. Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.’ which indicates they will go to heaven. There’s a considerable amount of other scriptural support for this position as well.’”
The Case for Faith
by Lee Strobel
I don’t know what would have happened in Emmit Trapp’s lifetime. I don’t know if he would have come to know God or rejected Him. But if I believe my Bible – and I DO, that sweet little boy will have eternal life with God in heaven. I don’t know what has happened or what will happen in the lives of his family, but I CAN pray that this tragedy will bring his family closer together and closer to God. If that little boy went to heaven early and someone comes to Christ because of it, I’ve got to believe God’s plan is better than mine. Because my plan puts that little boy at home with his family. My plan says they won’t suffer grief, be plagued with “what if” or have to face tomorrow without their little boy.
I’ve got to believe that God knows something I don’t.
And no, I do NOT judge Emmit’s mother or his family. Because there, but for the Grace of God, go I.
revisit: a loving God. evil and suffering.
Revisiting an old post today, prompted by a conversation with my sister after a co-worker took his own life: a loving God. evil and suffering.” originally posted on my devotional blog, Pragmatic Communion, in April of last year.
Rachel Barkey is Home.
Rachel Barkey went home to her Lord on July 2, 2009 at 37 years of age.
I wrote about her before, in a posted entitled “55 minutes.” I linked to her testimony.
I challenge you, I encourage you, I beg you – to take 55 minutes out of the busyness and redundancy of daily life and think on these things.
Here’s minute 48:
“I am dying.
But so are you.
Neither of us knows if we will even see tomorrow. And perhaps the reason that I am suffering now, the reason that God is waiting to bring judgment against all the evil in this world is because he is waiting for you. For you to acknowledge your sin and to turn to him for forgiveness.
Maybe YOU are the one we are waiting for.
Jesus suffered. God did not spare him. Why would he spare me? If my suffering would result in good for you? If my suffering is the means that God would use to bring even one person to himself, it is an honor for me to suffer.
Does that seem strange?
I suppose it does.
But really, it is the only way that all of this makes any sense at all.
A God who sees my suffering but is is unable, or worse, unwilling to spare me? A God who sees my suffering but allows it? With no greater purpose or hope? My God is able to save me and he will. But save me from what?
From a life without him.“
In the end, she stated that her goal was to “finish well.”
If you watch her testimony and it impacts your life as it did mine, it will be even more evidence that she achieved her goal.
Her funeral service will be held on Wednesday, July 8, at 1 p.m. at St. John’s Shaughnessy Church in Vancouver, BC. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Child of Mine (www.childofmine.ca) or World Vision (www.worldvision.ca).
55 minutes.
In the last few weeks, I’ve spent hours reading much on the paradox of evil and suffering vs. a loving and all powerful God. Hours. I’ve been thinking. learning. praying. blogging.
I began with the personal belief that God is loving, all-knowing and all-powerful – in spite of the evil and suffering in the world. I intentionally choose to accept this paradox. Intellectually, I don’t understand it. Emotionally, I hate it. Spiritually, I believe it.
But I was not ready.
Be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you. [Peter 3:15]
I had no answer other than, “I don’t understand it. I hate it. But I believe it.”
Not very pragmatic. So I went to books, as usual. I seek knowledge, as usual. I read C.S. Lewis for the first time. (The Problem of Pain) I read Philip Yancy for the first time. (Where is God When It Hurts?) I read Lee Strobel for the first time. (The Case for Faith) I read Herbert Lockyer. (Dark Threads the Weaver Needs) I’ve got a book list including John Piper’s Spectacular Sins and others. I’m still reading and I’m sure I’ll continue blogging about my learning curve and thoughts. But.
Today I watched a 55 minute video and it pulled everything together. E V E R Y T H I N G.
I paused it. Rewinded a few times. Made notes. Typed minute 48. Minute 48 is compelling to be sure. But the truth is that the entire video is compelling.
If you have ever – EVER – considered the “Is this all there is?” question, I promise you that this 55 minutes of your time won’t be wasted. Randy Pausch’s last lecture pales.
Rachel Barkey is dying of cancer. She is 37. She has two children under 5 years old. This is her testimony. Four things she has learned:
Know God.
Know Yourself.
Know the Gospel.
Know your Purpose.
She says in her blog that she wants to “finish well.” Helping to share her message is one small thing I can do to help her finish well. I can also pray.
Don’t have 55 minutes in one sitting? Watch a little at a time. Break it up and watch each of these “things she’s learned” separately. I challenge you, I encourage you, I beg you – to take 55 minutes out of the busyness and redundancy of daily life and think on these things.
Here’s minute 48:
“I am dying.
But so are you.
Neither of us knows if we will even see tomorrow. And perhaps the reason that I am suffering now, the reason that God is waiting to bring judgment against all the evil in this world is because he is waiting for you. For you to acknowledge your sin and to turn to him for forgiveness.
Maybe you are the one we are waiting for.
Jesus suffered. God did not spare him. Why would he spare me? If my suffering would result in good for you? If my suffering is the means that God would use to bring even one person to himself, it is an honor for me to suffer.
Does that seem strange?
I suppose it does.
But really, it is the only way that all of this makes any sense at all.
A God who sees my suffering but is is unable, or worse, unwilling to spare me? A God who sees my suffering but allows it? With no greater purpose or hope? My God is able to save me and he will. But save me from what?
From a life without him.”
Rachel’s message contains my answer.
Thank you JanMary for the link to this powerful video.
huh? what? rewind.
I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis, so that’s what I’ve been saying to myself the last few days. He’s no easy read, at least for me, anyway. I find myself looking around for a nearby dictionary. Sometimes, if a laptop is within reach, I’ll Google a word, sometimes, I’ll decide to look it up later and promptly forget. But I’m doing a lot of “rewinding” as I read C.S. Lewis.
I’m actually understanding quite a bit more than I expected. Admittedly, sometimes Lewis will dissect a premise or an argument to the point of tedium and lose me in the process. Sometimes I find myself thinking, “Okay, I agree with that, I don’t really need you to prove it until I die of boredom . . . ”
Is that wrong?
It’s C.S. Lewis, for crying out loud. I should have more respect.
nah. I’m more comfortable thinking of him as “Jack” as he preferred to be called.
Anyway. Sometimes, I actually get what Jack’s saying immediately and he states it in such a way that I don’t even need a dictionary or a rewind. I got this right away:
“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.”
I like that one. Does that really drive home the meaning of the phrase, “It’s not about me” or what?
But, I digress.
I got a big honkin book from the library because I wanted to read “The Problem of Pain” and it wasn’t on my bookshelf. This thing contains 6 of his books in one. Not a book you take to the beach or tuck in your purse.
If you’ve been around for the last few weeks, you know I’ve been thinking, studying and working on the paradox of pain and suffering vs. an all-powerful and loving God. I’m looking for a reasonable response for myself, for other Christians and non-Christians who object to the possibility that the two could co-exist. (You can read what I’ve learned so far by checking out the posts under the “suffering” category.)
The thing is, I can’t even begin to approach reasonableness unless I can base it on the premise of the existence of God in the first place, and more importantly, the truth of the salvation of Jesus Christ. See, I want to go to the Bible for the suffering vs. loving God argument, but if the Bible isn’t accepted as a foundational reference to the argument, I got a whole bunch of nothin. I have to begin with proving the Bible. Proving Jesus. Proving Christianity. And this isn’t physical science. My proof isn’t going to come from a Mythbusters experiment. My proof comes from . . . well. Faith.
Jack knew that. And he didn’t pretend to “get it.” Check it out:
“. . . I could write a preface explaining that I did not live up to my own principles! . . . I feel myself so far from true feeling of that I speak, that I can naught else but cry mercy and desire after it as I may . . . If any man is safe from the danger of underestimating this adversary [pain], I am that man. I must add too, that the only purpose of the book is to solve the intellectual problem raised by suffering; for the far higher task of teaching fortitude and patience I was never fool enough to suppose myself qualified, nor have I anything to offer my readers except my conviction that when pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.”
I’m left believing that Jack and I have much in common in this respect. Although I’ve alluded to past struggle in my life, the truth be told is that I’ve not suffered pain in the sense that many, many have. In the sense of what would be described as tragedy. So I start where Jack did – 20 years before he watched, helplessly as his wife suffered and died. 20 years before he wrote of his personal experience with pain in “A Grief Observed” which is also on my reading list. I start intellectually. In a relatively safe place. Knowing that if when I face true personal tragedy, I will have to start over.
But hopefully, as Jack did, I will come full circle. Grounding my personal suffering in my intellectual understanding.
And all this from the preface of the book.
Next? Chapter 1. After I look up the word “tincture.”
7 Quick Takes: 06.01.09
Kristen emailed me to make sure I was okay and I realized I hadn’t blogged in over a week!
Over a week! What have I been doing?
I missed 7 Quick Takes Friday last week, but it just seems like a good way to catch up on a few things . . .
1. Still healing. Feeling pretty good. Still slow, but getting faster. FirstHusband and I went to Sam’s Club and Walmart together on Saturday and he said I wasn’t annoyingly slow, just a little slow. I leaned on pushed the basket a lot. I get really tired by the end of the day if I’m too active during the day. So. I’m still a bit of a wimp. Thankfully, I’m allowed in my dry sauna now, so that is a WONDERFUL THING. I LOVE my dry sauna.
I wish I could stretch. I mean REEAALLY stretch. Like a cat. When our cats stretch I want to throw things at them to make them stop. It’s not nice that they do that in front of me.
I wish I could sleep comfortably. I mean like I did before the surgery. Hunker down and sleep HARD comfortable, you know?
I wish could get a massage, but I’m still too afraid to lay on my stomach or let anyone even come close to touching my new scar. My back hurts all the time from wearing the compression binder all day. Four weeks down, two more weeks to go.
2. I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis. Really for the first time. I’ve read The Screwtape Letters, but that was over a decade ago and that was fiction. I’ve read excerpts and quotes, but this is the first time I’ve read an entire book by C.S. Lewis. My first pick? “The Problem of Pain.” I’m still working out my thoughts on the paradox of evil and suffering vs. a loving, all-powerful God. Learning a LOT. Making many handwritten notes. And a list of words I need to look up in the dictionary. Like “filial.”
3. Spending a lot of time writing in my prayer journal. About everything. Reading my Bible. Spending time sitting still and shutting up after writing/praying. Listening. Learning. Thinking.
4. Still praying and struggling with what to do about the praise team at my church. Thursday night at 7pm, I went to my first rehearsal since my surgery. The interim leader/director who originally asked me to sing with the group was out of town.
The sound was . . . significantly less than optimal. In the end, I said I wasn’t ready to sing with the group on Sunday. Everyone assumed that I wasn’t feeling up to singing quite yet. True. In a way. I attended the traditional service on Sunday morning instead of the contemporary service, so people wouldn’t wonder why I was sitting out.
I’ll admit, I’m discouraged and confused about the direction of this service and what role, if any God wants me to take. Everything is still in transition. I’m taking it a week at a time. Today, I prayed that God would make it VERY CLEAR whether I should sing with the group this week.
5. Summer has begun and we are actually on track for the daily summer plan. The kids are reading a minimum of 30 minutes every day and they are both physically active every day (they are in the pool right now). FavoriteSon has been practicing the guitar nearly every day and PinkGirl had her most productive piano practice today. (I can’t play, but I do remember my scales, so that’s what I’m teaching her.) She hasn’t been consistent with her daily math, but I’m working on it. We’ve been pretty consistent with a 20 minute rotation of playing/working during the day. My oven timer is getting a serious work out.
6. The kids and I have all gone to the dentist for cleanings in the last week and (unfortunately) PinkGirl had her first filling today. She did GREAT. We go to a pediatric dentist and LOVE him.
7. We got a Wii! FavoriteSon, the family money hoarder has been saving his money for months and decided that he wanted to have a boy/girl birthday party in a few weeks and he wanted Wii to be one of the main activities. So he bought himself an early birthday present. Our family was ready for a Wii. My dad came over on Sunday afternoon after church and he even played. Just one more way to get the kids to be active during the day.
Join in with your own 7 Quick Take Friday post at Conversion Diary hosted by Jennifer!
Dude, where’s my car?
FirstHusband took my car. Because he knows I can’t physically climb into his truck, a Ford F250. Or drive it in my condition. Not that I was going anywhere. But, without a car, I CAN’T go anywhere.
He’s so bossy.
I’m trapped.
I’m bored. I did work yesterday for a couple of hours. Client training on the internet.
But, now I’m bored again.
I am reading a lot. I’m presenting the program to my ladies circle on Thursday morning. (Yes. Someone is giving me a ride.) I’m still reading and learning about suffering vs. a loving God, so I’m organizing what I’m learning and presenting some of it. Looking forward to the discussion and feedback. Always lots of food for thought from these ladies.
I’m reading the chapters on suffering in:
Lee Strobel’s The Case for Faith: A Journalist Investigates the Toughest Objections to Christianity
Bringing Your Faith to Work: Answers for Break-Room Skeptics
and the books
Dark Threads the Weaver Needs – The Problem of Human Suffering
Where Is God When It Hurts?
I’m also going to be looking at Spectacular Sins: And Their Global Purpose in the Glory of Christ
So I’m reading and learning a lot.
But when I’m not doing that, I’m still bored.
And slow. I’m walking w a y too slow. I’m so slow, I irritate myself.
Can you tell I’m bored?
Watchin a LOT of Niecy Nash on Clean House. What kind of bra does she wear? Seriously. I need the make and model of that bra. My “girls” don’t compare to Niecy’s, but that bra is FABULOUS, as Niecy would say.
I told you I was bored.
faith in a vacuum is easy. (a loving God. evil and suffering. part 2.)
I’m not worthy. How can I reply to you? I’m putting my hand over my mouth. I’ll stop talking.
Job 40:4
I know that you can do anything. No one can keep you from doing what you plan to do. You asked me, Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans? You do not know what you are talking about.’ I spoke about things I didn’t completely understand. I talked about things that were too wonderful for me to know.
Job 42:2-3
This is one of what I’m sure will be many posts on the seeming contradiction between a loving God and the presence of evil and suffering in the world.
In a comment on my previous post – the first on this topic, Lisa of Lisa Writes gave me a book referral: John Piper’s Spectacular Sins. I read pages 22-26 on Amazon’s “Look Inside.” Here’s a very short excerpt:
“Surely this Jesus can stop a tsunami, and make the wind blow a jet off its deadly course toward a crowded tower, and loosen the stranglehold of an umbilical cord from around an infant’s neck, and blind the eyes of torturers, and stop a drought. Surely he can do this and a thousand other acts of restraint and rescue. He has done it before. He could do it now. What is his reason for not doing it more often than he does?”
“What is his reason for not doing it more often than he does?”
This is only one of the questions I’m delving into as I explore this topic. Not so much for myself, to assuage my own grieving or anger or other emotion which can so quickly and easily find itself into the heart of humans today, when faced with evil and suffering. As I said in my first post, I want to be able to formulate an intelligent response which adequately, logically, PRAGMATICALLY addresses the question AND the objections to the pat, theological answers. More specifically, I want to be able to articulate this response to someone who may not believe the Bible to be the Living Word of God.
In theory, Christians are easier. Christians are pre-disposed to understand and accept (maybe not agree, but accept) Biblical support I might point to as I try to explain my own personal view and understanding. My background is seeping in here, but I think of it this way: In communication theory, specifically in persuasion, this is referred to as a “latitude of acceptance.” If someone is more likely to accept an idea, they are said to have a latitude of acceptance. If someone is more inclined to reject an idea, they would have a latitude of rejection. If someone is open minded and has no pre-conceived idea or prejudice on a topic, they are said to have a latitude of non-commitment. As a Christian, I have a latitude of acceptance for any Biblical support provided in a persuasive effort. It has to be sound Biblical support, taken IN context, but for the most part I will look to the Bible for my reasoning. (And I’m no stranger to looking up the meaning of original language).
For example, as a Christian, here’s a HUGE reason why I personally accept God’s sovereignty with regard to evil and suffering in the world:
The Book of Job, Chapter 38:1-40:4 (see my responses in parenthesis)
38:1 The Lord spoke to Job out of a storm. He said,
2 “Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans? (ummm)
You do not know what you are talking about. (yeh, but . . . )
3 Get ready to stand up for yourself. (uh oh)
I will ask you some questions.
Then I want you to answer me. (k)
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you know.
5 Who measured it? I am sure you know! (you did)
Who stretched a measuring line across it? (you did)
6 What was it built on?
Who laid its most important stone? (you did)8 “Who created the ocean? (you did)
Who caused it to be born? (you did)11 I said, ‘You can come this far.
But you can’t come any farther.
Here is where your proud waves have to stop.’
12 “Job, have you ever commanded the morning to come? (no, Lord.)
Have you ever shown the sun where to rise? (no.)16 “Have you traveled to the springs at the bottom of the ocean? (no, Lord.)
Have you walked in its deepest parts? (no.)
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you? (no.)
Have you seen the gates of darkness? (no.)
18 Do you understand how big the earth is? (no, Lord.)
Tell me, if you know all of those things. (no, Lord, I don’t know any of these things.)
19 “Where does light come from? (you, Lord.)
And where does darkness live?
20 Can you take them to their places? (no.)
Do you know the paths to their houses?
21 I am sure you know! After all, you were already born!
You have lived so many years! (what was I thinking? questioning God?)
22 “Have you entered the places where the snow is kept? (I’m going to shut up now.)
Have you seen the storerooms for the hail?24 Where does lightning come from?
Where do the east winds that blow across the earth live?
25 Who tells the rain where it should fall?
Who makes paths for the thunderstorms?28 Does the rain have a father?
Who is the father of the drops of dew?
29 Does the ice have a mother?
Who is the mother of the frost from the heavens?31 “Can you tie up the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you untie the ropes that hold Orion together?
32 Can you bring out all of the stars in their seasons?
Can you lead out the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper?
33 Do you know the laws that govern the heavens?
Can you rule over the earth the way I do?
34 “Can you give orders to the clouds?
Can you make them pour rain down on you?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
36 Who put wisdom in people’s hearts? (you did, Lord. Just now.)
Who gave understanding to their minds? (Thank you, Lord.)
37 Who is wise enough to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens?Chapter 39
26 “Job, are you wise enough to teach hawks where to fly?
They spread their wings and fly toward the south.
27 Do you command eagles to fly so high?
They build their nests as high as they can.Job Chapter 40
1 The Lord continued,2 “I am the Mighty One.
Will the man who argues with me correct me?
Let him who brings charges against me answer me!”Job’s Reply
3 Job replied to the Lord,4 “I’m not worthy. How can I reply to you?
I’m putting my hand over my mouth. I’ll stop talking.Job 42
Job’s Reply
1 Job replied to the Lord,2 “I know that you can do anything.
No one can keep you from doing what you plan to do.
3 You asked me, ‘Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?
You do not know what you are talking about.’
I spoke about things I didn’t completely understand.
I talked about things that were too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak.
I will ask you some questions.
Then I want you to answer me.’
5 My ears had heard about you.
But now my own eyes have seen you. (emphasis added)
After SEEING the Lord, Job had no desire to debate. To question. To “yeh, but.”
Instead, after SEEING the Lord, Job said, “”I’m not worthy. How can I reply to you? I’m putting my hand over my mouth. I’ll stop talking.
Job took the words right out of my mouth.
God explaining the things HE understands to ME? I would be like explaining calculus to a 2 year old. My mind wouldn’t be able to grasp it.
But that’s just me. So, knowing that I have NO idea what I’m talking about, I instead trust God, much like a child trusts that his parents will care for him. The child doesn’t understand what’s involved in raising him, he’s just living in subjective self-awareness. Knowing that I have no CAPACITY to understand the things of God, I believe in God’s sovereignty. Now, this is not to say that when I’ve faced . . . difficulty in the past, that I didn’t grieve and struggle with God’s will. This is not to say that, facing tragedy in my future I won’t struggle and desperately beg God to grant me peace. I’m human. I’m weak. I need God. Which is kind of my point.
I trust in a sovereign God. I believe that He is a loving God, despite evil and suffering in the world.
So now what? Do I just say, “I’m good.” and be done with it? Or, when I encounter others who aren’t able to do that or who choose not to do that, do I step outside of my independent security? Do I reach out to OTHERS and, in compassion and with God’s love and hopefully, His wisdom, do my very best to help them see what I see? Do I say, “Well, I can’t understand the things of God, so I’ll just have faith and I’ll be fine.” and be done with it? Do I stand comfortable and secure in MY acceptance and understanding of Biblical truth or do I prepare myself to address the common arguments to my faith and the truths presented in the Bible? When faced with these arguments, these obstacles of faith, do I seek to understand the things he HAS revealed? The things I AM capable of understanding? Because there are SOME things I CAN wrap my mind around and be able to share.
If I make the effort. Faith in a vacuum is easy.
There’s a cartoon about two turtles. One turtle says “Sometimes I’d like to ask God
why he allows poverty, famine, and injustice when he could do something about it.”
The other turtle says, “I’m afraid God might ask me the same question.”
a loving God. evil and suffering.
I’ll be thinking via my fingertips today. Given the extent of the topic, I’m sure I’ll rinse and repeat so additional thoughts and insights are very much sought after.
I’m reading The Case for Faith
“Since Evil and Suffering Exist, a Loving God Cannot.”
Why am I reading this? I was led. Compelled. There are so many struggling. Suffering. All ages, genders and walks of life. Suffering physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially. Children died this week. Children die every week. A young mother at my church lost her battle with cancer the day before a friend who defeated stage 4 breast cancer got her breast reconstruction.
I pray. For people I know, and people I don’t. I pray for strength and comfort. For peace.
I pray because I personally believe a loving God does exist, despite the evil and suffering in the world. But in my prayers, unspoken, was always “Why?”
My auto-pilot answer was “Have faith in God.” But in truth? I had nuthin. Except that whole “then we shall see face to face” thing. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
If there is a loving God, why is there pain and suffering in the world?
I’m 44, for crying out loud. I’ve been a Christian for nearly 30 years! I should to be able to ANSWER THE QUESTION instead of mumbling words like “sin” and “test of faith” and “God’s will” and “free will” or quoting scripture to Christians, agnostics and atheists alike. Scripture. Not a credible resource for agnostics and atheists. Quote the Bible if it makes you feel better, but when I’m talking to someone who doesn’t believe the Bible to be the Living Word of God, or to a person who doesn’t even believe in God, I need to approach the conversation in a different way. God can use other books and resources besides the Bible. He can use a sunset, a song or an impossible coincidence. He can even use my personal experience and fallible human intellectual understanding. He is that good. (I just need to gain some intellectual understanding and identify my personal experience.)
Besides not being able to intelligently articulate a reasonable response when talking to others, I personally didn’t like not having answers to the “why” question and the “how can there be a loving God” question. And I believed there were answers. Just because I didn’t know what they were, didn’t mean there weren’t any. This week, I found myself no longer comfortable just believing and trusting in God and accepting suffering without question. (Which I did, by the way.) For some reason, I’m at a place in my life where I want to know WHY I believe what I believe about this issue and be able to explain myself to Christians and non-Christians alike.
Wait. Don’t go off and comment yet, telling me “the” answer. Bear with me. I want to work through this one pragmatic step at a time. I’ve had discussions with “strong” Christians, “longtime” Christians, pastors and FirstHusband. I’ve read the Bible, commentaries, and books. Nothing seemed REASONABLE. The Christians were often patronizing and/or vague, attributing my doubt – or questioning or whatever you want to call it – to a lack of faith or an immature Christian. Because they really believed I lacked faith or was immature? Or to cover up the fact that they themselves weren’t able to effectively articulate an answer either? Back then, I believed it was me. After this week? Not so much. Because I found two authors who were able to articulate their reasoning in a way that resonates with me. It’s not that they “told” me the answer to these questions so much as they rounded up many of my thoughts on the matter (conscious and not) and were able to lay them out in an organized, reasonable way.
Let me back up a bit, before the resonating, and answer a likely question. What have I been doing all these years, with this seeming contradiction between suffering and a loving God?
Years ago, FirstHusband gave me the thought that allowed me to let the contradiction rest – until now. In discussing why a loving God allows human suffering, we had a lot to talk about. In the end, it was this:
Could it be (I said COULD) that one (I said ONE) reason people suffer is so the world can see the difference between how a Christian and a non-Christian deals with the suffering? The theory is that Christians have a hope, strength, peace and comfort that comes from God. Now THAT, I’ve seen. On more than one occasion. And so have you.
But what about non-Christians who approach adversity with a seemingly positive outlook? What about non-Christians who overcome obstacles to make things better or inspire us? Randy Pausch never professed Christianity. Neither has John Walsh. Both remarkable men, who, when faced with tragedy, responded much like we expect Christian men would. And what about the Christians who react to tragedy with anger, blame God or who fall apart and shut down? Non-Christians blame God, fall apart and shut down. It can go both ways.
So I personally choose to believe that there IS a loving, all-powerful God despite the seemingly contradicting evidence of evil and suffering present in the world. For years, I’ve been able to fumble around the God-speak, quoting scripture and using words like faith, free will, sin, and God’s Will, but I’ve never before formulated an intelligent response which adequately, logically, PRAGMATICALLY addresses the question AND the objections to the pat, theological answers.
Faced with the multiple tragedies of the death of her uncle and and her aunt’s diagnoses of Alzheimer’s disease and terminal cancer, Lee Strobel’s wife said:
“If someone thinks he can wrap everything up in a neat little package and put a fancy theological bow on it, go somewhere else.”
I don’t want to be “someone” or “go somewhere else.” So, here are some questions and issues I’m going to work through:
Is evil evidence FOR God?
If God is all-POWERFUL, why doesn’t He stop or lessen suffering?
What does “less” suffering mean anyway?
If God is all-KNOWING, what does He know that we don’t?
How can we say that God is good when He allows evil and suffering?
What other questions or issues do you see?
Welcome! If you have time, peruse my topics & my “little known facts” page to see if we have anything in common, or find out what I do for fun & work by viewing my singing and speaking samples.
Feel free to steal my ideas, ponder my musings, disagree with my rants, jump on my bandwagon, read my favorite books, comment, email me, or just lurk. Whatever works for you.
Most Recent 10- everything matters.
- fragments of a Mother’s Day weekend.
- the foundation of my work ethic. “Would you like fries with that?”
- I don’t want to sing a solo.
- “Discovery Day” is right.
- Jesus said turn the other cheek. He didn’t say I had to stand within smack radius.
- Mythbusters question: Who packs a car better, a man or a woman?
- you see the big hat too . . . right?
- I’m going to stop being discouraged and be awesome instead. True Story.
- five minutes of crazy.
-
Fitness Log: May
May Totals as of 5/21
HIIT Incline Miles: 4.5
HIIT Incline Minutes: 90
Strength Training/Yoga Days: 1
2 Min., 10 Sec. Planks: 3
Days Supplements Taken: 2
Fruit Servings: 2-
Recent Comments
-
Where Ya’ll From?
-
