July 16, 2008 - Pragmatic Compendium

I know Elle doesn’t. But somebody must be falling for these emails or they would stop, right?

“My name is Adams Ofori Esq. (really. not just “adam” but “adams.” with an “s.” okay. )

My client is the family of late Mobutu Sese Seko the former ruler of the Republic of Congo who was ousted out of power by late Laurent Kabila whose son Joseph Kabila has now succeeded as the ruler of the country. (I’m sorry. did you say something? I dozed off there for a minute.) When the late Mobutu was chased out of power, he fled the country and I was a major broker for his granted political asylum in Morocco where he eventually died of prostate cancer. (bummer. i mean for him. sounds like you made out alright.)

Simply because the enemies of their regime are now in power, it will interest you to know (really. it doesn’t.) that our client and a family have suffered unspeakable intimidation, humiliation and huge financial and other loss to seizures and confiscations (over$600MILLION). (what? the translation software just threw up.)

On the instruction of Madam (the widow of late Mobutu Sese Seko who is now the head of the family), (of course.) the essence of this mail is to seek to secure your understanding and co-operation with regards to bringing to fruition an overseas investment program which will serve as the source of sustenance and livelihood for the family but without traces to any member of this family nor to any member of our Law Firm. (i’m honored. really. i am.) Madam wants this investment program to be a financial endowment for her children. (how sweet.)

The fund in focus is $40M (USD) which is currently in the vault of a security company in Canada as 2 crates containing Law Reports and Promotional Materials belonging to our Law Firm – The need for false content declaration is to prevent any manner of betrayal or blackmail from any quarter. (sounds reasonable.) Actually we successfully shipped the crates to Canada with diplomatic immunity by invoking the immunity accruable to classified judicial documents under the HURILAW provisions. (that sounds very legitimate.)

We completed arrangement with a bank in Europe where a solid understanding has been reached regarding your opening (in Europe? did somebody in a bank in Europe recommended me for this? I’ll have to send them a lovely fruit basket.) of a special transit account where the funds could be lodged for channeling (syn. laundering? i hope not. i hate laundry.) on a bank to bank basis to an account which you will nominate for the pursuit of this investment program. The understanding reached with the bank is dependable and reliable (how reassuring.) and as soon as I read from you, we should commence to fine-tune arrangements for you to mutually attend to the needful. (i think your translation software ralphed again.)

The terms and investment options as described by our client would be disclosed to you as soon as we hear from you. (yo “adams” – sorry. can’t reply. bounced and permanently deleted you from my email filter already. right after I copied your important message into my blog for heckling.)

Thanks and God bless as we expect to read from you soon. (don’t wait up.)

Adams Ofori Esq.”

I have a mail filter called MailWasher that really Works for Me. Sure, you can just mark a sender’s email address as a junk mail sender, but the fact is, spammers change email addresses like my daughter changes clothes. MailWasher allows me to preview, bounce and delete emails before I download them. I love the “bounce” feature. When you “bounce” an email, it looks like your email address is invalid. The idea is to get removed from the spammer’s email list.

MailWasher Free provides filtering for one email account and MailWasher Pro ($39.95) allows for multiple accounts. I have an older freeware version that allows for multiple accounts and it is still going strong!

(In full disclosure, when I went to www.mailwasher.net to pick up the link, I noticed an affiliate link, so I’ll probably sign up. But not today. Is it Friday yet?)

Find more helpful and fun tips over at Works for Me Wednesday hosted by Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer!

This is one of my favorite recipes. It takes a little more prep time than I usually like and about an hour to bake, but it is SO worth it!

I saw Paul James (aka “The Gardener Guy” on HGTV) prepare this on his cooking show (Home Grown Cooking) a few years ago and just had to try it. He called it “Fruit Stuffed Pork Roll” and the credits indicate the recipe was published in a book called “Classic Cooking With Pork: Over 100 Luscious Ways to Prepare the Other White Meat” by Philippe Molle in 1997, but Amazon shows it as “Classic Cooking With Pork: 100 Luscious Ways to Prepare Today’s Lean and Healthy Pork” and I didn’t see “Fruit Stuffed Pork Roll” in the table of contents, so it appears it was altered for the show. That is FINE with me. It turned out great!

We made two of these this weekend and I took some photos along the way. Check it out.

Ingredients:
3-1/2 lb. boneless pork loin roast, trimmed of excess fat
Salt and pepper to taste
Ground coriander to taste
1-1/2 cups assorted dried fruits, any variety, diced
1/3 cup apricot preserves
1 tsp. fresh ginger, minced (I use ground)
Pinch of red pepper flakes
1/4 cup dry white wine
1/4 cup chicken stock
3/4 cup heavy cream (I mix up non-dairy creamer according to the directions on the jar)
2 Tbs. whole-grain mustard (I use spicy brown mustard)
Butcher string

Directions:
First “butterfly” the roast. When you butterfly a roast, it’s a little different than when you butterfly a single serving size of meat, like a chicken breast. This requires two cuts. I tried to show it in the photos.

Here’s the roast before any cuts at all.

Starting about one third the depth of the meat, the first cut was made from right to left – but NOT all the way through. Then the newly cut “flap” was opened to toward the left, like it was on a hinge.

A second cut was made from left to right, starting at the hinge. Again, stopping before cutting all the way through, the flap was folded to the right on the hinge. As you can probably tell, the thickness of each section is determined by these cuts. Just try to keep it relatively even.

Both sides of the meat are sprinkled with the salt, pepper and coriander.

The fruit, apricot preserves, ginger and red pepper flakes are mixed together.

And the mixture is spread over the meat.

The meat is rolled up, tied with string and placed in a lightly greased baking pan (I spray it with Pam).

The original recipe calls for it to be baked for 35 to 40 minutes, but I’ve always had to cook it about an hour. I just use a meat thermometer and bake until the internal temperature (away from the fruit) reaches 160 degrees.

The roast is removed from the dish and set aside while the wine is added to the baking dish and a wooden spoon is used to scrape bits stuck to the dish. (I have never understood the need for a wooden spoon.)

(I stopped here and refrigerated the roasts and the liquid because it was late. I’ll finish up tomorrow and take more photos.)

The liquid is added to a small saucepan with chicken stock and brought to a boil over medium-high heat. After a few minutes, the cream and mustard are added and stirred to blend. The sauce will thicken after about 2 to 3 minutes.

To serve, remove string and slice pork. Top with sauce.

Sooooo good!

Find more great tips and recipes over at Kitchen Tip Tuesdays at Tammy’s Recipes