I don’t do funny on demand – posted by FirstHusband

“Make it funny… but don’t’ make fun of me… but they like funny… you can tell them funny things about me… don’t make fun of me…”

Machine beeps. GoodNurse says “Julie, you need to breathe deeply.”

“I just did the breathing thing” Says Julie talking her about exhaling into the small device intended to have her exercising her lungs to prevent fluid build-up.

GoodNurse says “I don’t want you to do that right now. I want you to breathe deeply through your nose. You’re not getting enough oxygen.”

Julie asks GoodNurse “Do I need to walk tonight? If I need to walk tonight, FirstHusband can come back and help me out of bed. We have a system.”

GoodNurse pulls me aside and tells me. “I need Julie to rest. She is trying to do too much right now. She will relax easier if you are at home with the children and she knows they are O.K.”

Now at some point Julie will read this and want to defend herself. Just remember that she was on strong narcotics and will not remember this. She will claim that it wasn’t like this. I was there. She was drugged. According to GoodNurse, she wasn’t drugged enough however. Typical Julie. If she keeps this up, I’ll change the name of this blog to “Stoic Compendium”. It’s been a long but positive day so you will forgive the stream of consciousness. It’s what I do when I’m tired.

Julie pulled through the surgery with no complications except that the hospital didn’t have enough open rooms and she had to stay in recovery until 9:00 pm. Her doctor, who was experienced when she delivered FavoriteSon many years ago said in a very matter-of-fact tone “I’ve never seen a cyst like that before. I don’t think that was cancer, it didn’t look like it.” You would think that a Doctor with that much experience would have something better to say than “I don’t think that was cancer.” Can a man hold his breath for the two weeks it takes for the biopsy to say “Negative”. Only 13 1/2 more days to know. All in all however, the doctor said she did great and should recover with no complications.

The hospital is very nice. They are set up and equipped for women. No worries about shake and bakes. Julie’s gown is equipped with a heated air blower system. She has a little thermostat at her control that regulates the temperature to whatever she wants. Combine that with the little button for more narcotics and Julie should be just fine. Even in an at-best semi-lucid state, Julie was very appreciative of the quality of care at this particular hospital.

I am amazed and humbled by the number of people praying for her. I can tell you your prayers bore fruit. I confess sometimes I feel like my prayers are the smallest of things I can do for someone. On days like this, where there is nothing to do but wait while the doctors hold your wife’s life in their hands, I understand more than ever that prayer is the best thing you can do for someone. I was confident that my own prayers were multiplied by many times and I am truly grateful for all of you who contributed.

Julie called home about 30 minutes after PinkGirl’s bedtime to tell her goodnight. I wonder how she knew PinkGirl would still be awake. Probably all the times I’ve been on travel and Julie had to handle both kids without me. I’m sure that even on drugs, Julie knew I wouldn’t get them to bed on time. FavoriteSon is still doing homework at 10:59 pm.

So I missed on funny but hopefully made up for it with gratitude. I told her, “I don’t do funny on demand.” Can anyone post a few jokes I can tell Julie at the hospital?

8 thoughts on “I don’t do funny on demand – posted by FirstHusband

  1. SO glad she’s ok. It was probably harder on you, huh? Here are a few jokes to take back. Let her know we’re all thinking of her, continuing the prayers, and proud of her for getting this over with!

    Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
    “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”

    (This one is a bit dated, what with HIPPA and all, but here goes) A woman calling a local hospital said, “Hello, I’d like to talk to the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I’d like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or is getting worse.” The voice on the other end of the line said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?” “Sara Finkle, in room 302.” “Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkle is doing very well. In fact she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine and her blood work just came back as normal. She’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement. Dr. Cohen is going to send her home tuesday at twelve o’ clock.” The woman said,”Thank God! That’s wonderful! That’s fantastic! That’s wonderful news!” The nurse said,” From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!” “Not exactly. I am Sarah Finkel in room 302! And nobody here tells me anything!”

  2. Anesthesia, pain meds, and everything else they give surgery patients really messes with them. I hope it’s only a one day thing for her – but I am so very happy that all seems well. Prayers are wonderful and indeed powerful.

    No jokes from me – I’m not funny, I’m just a dork. 🙂

  3. Thank you SO much for updating! She’s been in my thoughts all day. Please let her know we’re still praying for her and look forward to having her back with us.

  4. Thanks so much for the update and funny isn’t always necessary!

    Okay, oldie, but cutie.

    A little boy is admitted to the hospital the night before a tonsillectomy. (told you it was old.) After his parents left for the night, promising to be back early in the morning, Tommy is alone in his room.

    The nurse, busy, but mindful of Tommy’s state of mind, called to him via the intercom.

    “Tommy, how are you doing?”

    No answer.

    “Tommy, can you hear me?”

    Still no answer.

    Getting a little concerned, the nurse again asked “Tommy! Do you hear me?”

    A quavering little voice answered, “What do you want, Wall?”

  5. So glad things are going well.

    And tell her when I said WALK, I didn’t mean a marathon!!
    * * *
    Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

    “Is this some kind of mistake?” Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

    “No, not at all,” the doctor said calmly.

    “Well,” said Margie, “that’s awfully costly for knocking someone out.”

    “Not at all,” replied the doctor. “I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around.”

    * * *
    Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.

    “What did you used to do back on Earth?” he asked the first nurse. “Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?”

    She told him, “I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children.”

    “Very noble. You may enter.” And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.

    “I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God’s love.” The second nurse replied.

    “Excellent!” said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
    She hesitated, then explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.”

    St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, “Well, you can enter, too.”

    “Wow!” the nurse exclaimed in relief. “I almost thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

    “Oh, you can certainly come in,” St. Peter told her, “but you can only stay for three days.”

  6. I’m so glad that everything has gone well! I’m sure you’re relieved, as are the kids. We’ll continue to keep her (you all) in our thoughts and prayers for the next 13 days until the biopsy results come back. 🙂

    I’m not funny on demand either, but here’s one joke:

    A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

    The old lady in her little voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

    The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

    After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

    The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

    The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

    The old woman said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me a thing around this place.”

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