never going to stop trying

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

This post, entitled never going to stop trying, was originally published on Pragmatic Commotion on February 19, 2009. The comment exchange remains with the original post.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.And so he condemned sin in sinful man,in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:1-4 NIV

I love old books.

The dusty old book I picked up this week is entitled “What is a Christian” by A. Leonard Griffith, copyright 1962.

“First and foremost, Christianity is a relationship to a Person. In that sense it differs from great world religions like Judaism and Hinduism and it differs from Communism and other rival secular faiths that compete for men’s allegiance today. All these direct our loyalty to a theological system, a code of ethics, a philosophy or an ideology, but Christianity alone directs our loyalty to a Person. Where Christ is, there is Christianity, and the Christian is a person who tries to be a follower of Jesus Christ.

We say “tries” because no one succeeds perfectly. How very wrong to assume that either you must be a first-class Christian or else you have no right to call yourself a Christian at all. We should never adopt that attitude toward other things. We do not deny ourselves the privilege of education simply because we are not first-class scholars, or the pleasure of singing because we are not of concert calibre, or the enjoyment of knocking a golf ball because we lack professional skill.

The real zest in life lies not in achievement but in effort, not in having arrived, but in striving.”

What a humbling reminder. Being a Christian comes down to ONE thing. A relationship to a Person (with a capital “P”). It is this Person I fail when I sin, not myself. When I become disappointed or frustrated about not meeting my own expectations, I need to remember who it is I am really disappointing. If my goals are in line with God’s will, if my striving is to glorify God, whose “expectations” have I really failed when I sin?

I can’t be a “first-class” Christian. What is that anyway?

I’m going to try to follow Christ. And in this “striving” Mr. Griffith talks about, I have been able to see the sin in self-condemnation.

I will sin. Any minute now. I don’t know how, but I will. I’m human. And I don’t want to waste one minute berating myself. It’s as if Jesus is standing there, waiting on me, with scars on his hands and feet, asking me to come and I respond by saying:

“I’ll be there in a minute. I’m not finished punishing myself yet.”

If Jesus was actually physically standing there, I wonder if he would roll his eyes and say:

“You just don’t get it, do you? Come here. RIGHT NOW. Sit down. Let me explain Grace one more time.”

Instead of wasting time and devaluing Grace by berating myself, I need to sincerely repent, ask forgiveness and try again. I need – and want – to start striving again as soon as possible. Self-condemnation prevents me from doing that. Self-condemnation delays my striving.

I can’t be perfect. It’s just not possible. But I’m not going to let that stop me from trying to follow Christ. If I wander off the road, the Holy Spirit is my GPS. I will find the “right” road again. But I refuse to stand there, in the middle of the “wrong” road, whining about the fact that I got lost.

Again.

By no preachment can we really satisfy that earnest inquirer who asked,
“What is a Christian?” But I wonder if we could point him to someone we know,
someone who has responded to the Master’s call and who so tries to follow Jesus
that of him it might be said, “There goes a Christian.”
A. Leonard Griffith

UPDATE: Debbie’s comment caused me to rethink my wording – and prompted me to do a little research. Found an interesting video on youtube. A preacher talks about the idea of “disappointing God” being a lie. See my comment below Debbie’s for my thoughts on this.

“. . . therefore I quote” Anna Quinland

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

And eventually being perfect became like carrying a backpack filled with bricks every single day. And oh, how I wanted to lay my burden down. So if any of this sounds in any way familiar to you, if you have been trying to be perfect too, then perhaps today is the day to put down that backpack before you develop permanent curvature of the spirit. Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at some level it’s too hard, and at another, it’s too cheap and easy. Because all it really requires of you, mainly is to read the zeitgeist of wherever and whenever you happen to be and to assume the masks necessary to be the best at whatever the zeitgeist dictates or requires. Those requirements shape-shift, sure, but when you’re clever you can read them and come up with the imitation necessary.

But nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great, ever came out of imitation. What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

More difficult because there is no zeitgeist to read, no template to follow, no mask to wear. Terrifying, actually, because it requires you to set aside what your friends expect, what your family and your co-workers demand, what your acquaintances require, to set aside the messages this culture sends, through its advertising, its entertainment, its disdain, and its disapproval, about how you should behave.

. . . Begin with the most frightening of all things, a clean slate. And then look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: Because they are what I want, or wish for. Because they reflect who and what I am.

I’ve L O N G since stopped trying to be perfect. That’s another post. That’s not where my mind went today when I read “Being Perfect” by Anna Quindlen.

Instead, I’ve been thinking about those last three paragraphs above. Last week I watched Facing the Giants – the entire movie, in 10 minute increments, on youtube. (I will definitely be purchasing this movie for my family.) It’s a football movie, sure, but it encompasses so much more. Since watching the movie, I’ve found myself thinking quite a bit about the overall messages presented.

I’ve written recently about being prepared for opportunity. In the Facing the Giants, a man tells a story about faith and preparation:

I’ve been preparing for opportunity. I’ve been taking action. But my goal has been . . . unfocused. I’m taking advantage of every opportunity I come across, but it’s all adding up to a big pile of puzzle pieces. I haven’t been able to figure out, as Anna Quinland said, “what I want or what I wish for.”

I think I’ve figured out what I want. The coach in Facing the Giants articulated it for me:

“I resolve to give God everything I’ve got. Then I’ll leave the results up to Him.”

So, I’ll continue to prepare for opportunity. Or rain, whichever is in my future. But my focus isn’t only on the logistics anymore. It’s on giving God everything I’ve got. And leaving the results up to Him. That means spending more time in my Bible. And in prayer. And not just in praise and thanks and petitions, but quietly as well. Abiding. (I’m not that good at “doing nothing,” so abiding is difficult for me.) And I’m going to start with a clean slate. I’m going to take my past into consideration, of course, it led me to where and who I am right now. But I’m not going to let momentum lead me into the future. Or be distracted by confessed sin and the past. Rather, in His promise of no condemnation, looking both forward to the future and, more importantly, engaging – really ENGAGING in the present, I’m going to focus on “giving Him the best I’ve got.” (oh, you just THOUGHT I approached life with intention BEFORE. Just wait. I’m going to be . . . tenacious.)

And I feel like I need to clarify. I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of “finding” my “one” purpose or figuring out God’s “perfect” plan for my life. If one person misses God’s “perfect will” for their lives, it would impact too many other people and cause them to miss out on God’s perfect will for THEIR life. Just marrying the “wrong” person means their spouse didn’t marry the right person and so on and so on. I’ve written about it before in a post entitled “learning in flux” but basically here’s what I believe (in a tiny little nutshell):

If I am a God fearing, faith filled, honorable woman who makes choices based on Biblical wisdom, then within the moral will of God, whatever I decide to do, will be equally pleasing to God. And whatever choices I make, I know “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, and who have been called according to His purpose.” HIS purpose. It’s not about me. It’s about me giving Him my very best. Preparing for rain. And leaving the results up to Him.

This last clip is the one that compelled me to watch the entire movie. This is the clip that inspires me. And while many viewers may be inspired and encouraged by Brock’s determination to make it to the 50 yard line, I am inspired by the coach and his determination to show Brock how much more he could accomplish if he gave God his best effort.

“. . . therefore I quote” Pausch & Hartman

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

“Luck is where preparation meets opportunity. ”
— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

There’s a similar quote by Henry Hartman:

“Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity”

My fear is that I’ll get what I’m asking for.

That would be singing and speaking work.

And I’m not sure I want it.

My other fear is that I won’t get any singing or speaking work.

I know. I’m so decisive.

I called my assistant pastor last week and told her that I was available to sing and/or speak at events. For years, I’ve been making myself UNavailable. She immediately had a few ideas and she asked me if I had any recordings of my singing or speaking. And now I’m on youtube.

And now I’m not sure I should be.

One of the youtube clips, “It is What is Is” (Squirrel in the Chimney) was from a Mother’s Day brunch last May. I accepted the invitation because it was local and only a few hours on a Saturday. So much fun! I had a GREAT time. But I had so many other things going on last year, I knew the timing wasn’t right.

A number of years ago, I led music and performed at a weekend retreat and was a key speaker at another. I left Friday afternoon and returned Sunday afternoon. A LOT of work, but a very comfortable fit. LOVED the experience. HATED being away from my family for the entire weekend. I missed EVERYTHING! With a husband who sometime travels and works late, weekends are FAMILY time. I didn’t – and still don’t – want to give that up. We don’t have that many years left until the kids have their own agendas on the weekend. It’s starting with FavoriteSon already.

And with a husband who sometimes travels and works late, evening speaking engagements aren’t really a good idea either. Years ago, we actually instituted a family “policy” about school nights. We don’t participate in activities that required weeknight involvement. We didn’t go to Wednesday night church for years because it ended AFTER PinkGirl’s bedtime. We tried it a few times, but Thursday mornings were HORRIBLE, and on Thursday afternoons after school my children were replaced by their evil, cranky twins.

But now, the kids are older. They stay up a little later. If they stay home alone they actually do what they’re supposed to do – like homework or cleaning up. Okay, they’re kids, so SOMETIMES they do what they’re supposed to do. The point is that FavoriteSon babysits his sister pretty well. She sometimes calls us to tell us NOT to come home because they’re having too much fun.

Now, my family could come with me if I travel. Now, for some reason, I’m thinking that leading a weekend retreat every once in a while wouldn’t be a bad idea. FirstHusband is interested in joining with some other dads at church who take their kids camping one weekend a month. And I would be home all weekend alone. I could relax and do nothing . . . but seriously. Regular readers. Can you see that happening? B O R I N G.

So. I opened a door. Now I prepare, because I believe Randy and Henry.

For me, preparing includes getting my voice into shape. I appreciate the compliments on the youtube videos, but I heard me too. I’ve got some serious work to do. My range is diminished, my breath control is weak and my repertoire is very thin. Since I do better with deadlines, I’m scheduling a recording session at a local school. I’ll be a student project. I’ve done it before and it was a great learning experience. There’s nothing like listening to yourself all alone on a track. eek. I can REALLY tell what I need to work on after that.

Preparing also means putting together some presentations. The hard part is deciding which topics to do first. If someone would just give me a topic, I could just do it. FirstHusband thinks I should create a presentation on “grace based parenting.” hmmm. Is he thinking I need a little reminding? Couldn’t hurt.

Preparing also means updating my website. I’m thinking. I’m learning.

I’m preparing for opportunity.

And hoping it occurs Monday through Friday during school hours.

“. . . therefore I quote” Marjorie Holmes

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

This week’s quote comes from a classic fictional account of the Christmas story. I know! Fiction! I’m quoting Fiction! With the shower repair and the subsequent unexpected “spring” cleaning to recover, I’m a little late into the Christmas season. Rather than lament that fact, I’ve decided to “reset my watch.” Or in this case, my calendar. I got the idea from a story I heard (or more probably, read).

An American sports coach got a job coaching a team in Italy. Their observance of time was not exactly similar to an American’s observance of time. The coach had a daily schedule, which begain at 8:00 a.m. The Italian players didn’t show up in time to begin every day at 8:00 a.m. They arrived . . . when they arrived. After a few frustrating days, the coach devised a plan. He waited until everyone showed up. And then he set his watch back to 8:00 a.m.

That’s what I’m doing. I’ve consciously decided to keep my tree and decorations up into January. I’m not going to allow a disruption to shorten my Christmas season. I’ve decided to observe “Three Kings Day” on January 6th. Feliz Navidad!

On Christmas Eve, I’m singing “Mary Did You Know” and Nicole Sponberg’s version of “Breath of Heaven.” So, I’m a little focused on Mary’s perspective right now. These fragmented quotes from Two From Galilee: The Story Of Mary And Joseph by Marjorie Holmes only heighten that perspective.

“But it was not the priest, it was Joseph who bent near in love and reverence, telling her, ‘ I can see its little head. You must strive harder, beloved. Bear down, bear down.’

She obeyed, gratefully. There was a great ripping and flooding and burning, and he came forth out of her, out of Mary, his mother. Thus in blood and pain he came into the world, this son of God who was also man and the son of man.

And Joseph lifted him up for her to see. And they looked upon him together and marveled at him, his wholeness, infinitely small and red and perfectly formed. And when he squirmed in Joseph’s arms and uttered his first cry, the thrill of all mankind ran through both of them, for this was life, human life, and they knew that a miracle had been achieved . . .

. . . She smiled in her half-sleep and pressed the hot little bundle closer. Yet what bliss, to direct the nipple to the lips, to be the source of its sustenance. Ecstasy flooded her, the ecstasy of a new mother, who finds herself with the child safely cradled in her arms after the long ordeal. The only reality is this wonder, this sense of harmony and love so intense it is scarcely to be endured, and the tears escape the eyelids and roll foolishly down the cheeks.

And so Mary rested on this night that her child was born. And Joseph kept watch, near exhaustion himself, but too excited to sleep.”

I’ll continue quotes from this book through the holiday season.

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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“. . . therefore I quote” Gail Godwin

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

Today’s quote is from The Wit and Wisdom of Women

“At times . . . one is downright thankful for the self-absorption of other people.”

I love it when self-absorbed people ignore me. Such a relief.

Yesterday I got a cranky stranger to ignore me. He had started talking to me – actually, he had started giving me unsolicited life instructions contrary to my current choices (which he found silly).

After my weight training session, I went into the sauna to stretch. Two older “gentlemen” were in there, complaining VERY intensely about the facility. The whirlpool wasn’t hot and that led to a plethora of additional complaints and insults about management. One of the whiners left, the other stayed and started talking to me. “On a cold day like today, the whirlpool would feel great . . . blah, blah, complain, whine, whine . . . ”

This whole time I’m thinking: “shhhh.”

okay. I was really thinking: “shut. up. This is my quiet time. Or at the very least, it’s YOUR quiet time.”

Anyway. He asked me some question that led to me telling him that I worked out with a personal trainer and there he went. Loud and animated: “You don’t need a trainer! You just pay attention, watch what they do, learn . . . . ”

And whatever he said after that, I really wasn’t listening. As I was wrapping my fingertips around the bottom of my foot (something I probably haven’t done since I was PinkGirl’s age), I debated. For about a fraction of a second. Do I really want to enter into a conversation with this man? Or do I just want to challenge him to a 30 second wall squat and be done with it? Or maybe a lung walk across the parking lot? Cause he would stop talking then.

But NO. That would be mean. So when he paused to take a breath, I was ready. Knowing he would view me as stupid and (hopefully) not worth his time, I said, “I just like it.”

And he had NOTHIN. ha!

There was silence. Peaceful, sauna silence.

Then he baited me, “Well, I guess some people just need that attention.”

But I had already decided that I wanted him to ignore me, so I replied, “That’s one way to put it.” and reached for the bottom of my other foot.

He sat there, in silence, for nearly 10 minutes. Finally leaving . . .

. . . me in peaceful sauna silence.

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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“. . . therefore I quote” Dr. Phil

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

The hostesses of my women’s circle served a pre-Thanksgiving meal for lunch today. And I didn’t have dessert. Let me clarify.

Dessert was a cranberry, pecan, white chocolate pie with a crumble topping.

I can think about it now, because, now, here at home, I have no opportunity to slam a slab down on a harvest paper plate and “taste” it. How did I pass it up? At the time, I was seriously feeling yesterday’s weight training workout and was overwhelming determined not to completely negate all that pain work.

Tonight, as I sat here, thinking about the upcoming holidays and all the “opportunities” for eating stuff that will contribute to “ba donk a donk butt” syndrome, I perused my “health and fitness” shelves for weapons to fortify myself against the onslaught of yuletide Epicureanism.

In my searching, I ran across something from Dr. Phil’s book, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom. It doesn’t just pertain to the temptations we’ll all be facing in the next two months, but rather the temptations we face the rest of the year. I read this a number of months ago and it REALLY made sense to me. I had forgotten it until tonight. So the quote for today (or tonight, at this point) is:

“If you’re like most people trying to lose weight, you probably think that you must be disciplined and resolute twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. This is a will-power driven mind-set, however that is doomed for failure. When your willpower runs out of steam, you invariably break your resolutions. In the aftermath, you develop a sense of guilt that only undermines your efforts and makes further weight-control indiscretions all the more likely . . .

. . . Now here’s something to sit still for: you do not have to be strong twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Read that sentence again: you do not have to be strong twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The truth is, most of the fattening damage you do to yourself is inflicted at very isolated points in time. What this means is that your eating isn’t eternally out of control; it’s out of control only at certain times, during what I call impulse moments. These are brief periods of time, lasting no more than two or three minutes, in which you forget your resolve, you react without thinking, and you break your momentum by caving in to the urge to overeat or binge. Although they seem to come out of the blue, impulse moments are activated by cues in your environment . . .

. . . You can expect to experience four to seven impulse moments during the day. An impulse moment can occur at specific times . . . It can happen when you walk by a bakery and are enticed by the sight and smell of fresh pastries . . .

. . . The best defense for heading off impulses, urges and cravings is twofold. First, you must audit your day in order to figure when impulse moments are most likely to hit. That way, you’re in a better position to avoid them by changing your routine, changing your schedule, or changing your environment.

. . . The second part of your defense involves your response to impulse moments . . . As soon as you feel the impulse, begin engaging, deliberately, in the [an] incompatible substitute.

. . .When you switch gears and start engaging in substitute activities, you change your train of thought, you change your routine, and you change your entire way of coping.

Yes, this requires a little bit of energy, but the good news is that impulse moments pass as quickly as they hit . . .”

It’s that “incompatible substitute” that was such an eye opener for me. The book lists a few examples of incompatible activities, like working in your yard, cleaning something, going for a walk, taking a shower, going to bed . . .

One of my most effective strategies was invented by FirstHusband. We bake a boatload of cookies/cookie bars every year to give away, and we used to taste quite a few – pre and post baking. Now, we pour ourselves a glass of red wine to sip while the smell of cookies permeates the drywall. Chocolate chip cookies and red wine? Temptation gone. Orange juice would probably do it too. But how boring is that?

Any other ideas for “incompatible activities?” I’ll take anything! What activities are incompatible with eating?

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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“. . . therefore I quote” Hansel, Swindoll, James & Ford

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

I’m going to “set up” today’s quote with a little video. My sister-in-law sent me this back in July of 2007. You may have seen it already. But what a powerful reminder that we CAN.

I don’t know about you, but I won’t be whining about ANYTHING today. Or tomorrow. And if I whine the day after that, I’m watching this video again.

Today’s quote comes from “Eating Problems for Breakfast: A Simple, Creative Approach to Solving Any Problem” by Tim Hansel:

“As Chuck Swindoll said so eloquently, ‘We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.’

Some experts believer that 90 percent of all problem solving revolves around one’s attitude. By definition, attitude refers to:

    one’s mental posture toward a problem or a situation;
    one’s feelings or emotions toward the problem;
    the angle or position of one’s frame of reference.

It’s not so much what happens to us, as what happens in us that counts, or what we think has happened to us.

. . . Life is a process: a complex ever-continuing, ever-change set of problems. The choice is not if you’ll accept problems, but How! Your attitude determines whether or not you will succeed. William James said, “Perhaps the greatest discovery of this century is that if you can change your attitude, you can change your life.”

. . . Henry Ford once said, “That who say they can and those who say that they can’t are usually both right.”

. . . One of the most liberating discoveries of my life was that problems have positive and redemptive purposes: they can be potential blessings. They can be a means for growth . . .

. . . I believe that our greatest problem is our self-limitation. In having a more sane estimate of our abilities, we need to realize the incredible things that God can do in us and through us. When we do that, we become much less intimidated by problems because we know that God is not only for us but in us. Therefore, I am not afraid to fail.

. . . Perhaps you are like me and struggle to keep an appropriate attitude toward problems. One recommendation is to read books on problem solving, motivation and attitude. Although I have read countless books on these subjects in the last twenty years, one book was the most helpful. It far outweighs any other book I have ever read on the subject. It not only has better ideas to suggest but actually offers facts to help you with your attitude . . . It’s a guaranteed life changer. It’s the Bible. I highly recommend it. Someone said of the Bible:

    Know it – in your head;
    Stow it – in your heart;
    Sow it – in the world;
    Show it – in your life.

. . . I recently saw a tremendous formula for success. It consists of these ten points:

  1. Pray
  2. Work
  3. Pray
  4. Work
  5. Pray
  6. Work
  7. Pray
  8. Work
  9. Pray
  10. Work

. . . If you want to improve your problem-solving abilities, follow all ten suggestions. But in the process of developing our problem-solving skills, we’ve got to be careful of the trap of perfectionism. Someone once said that, “perfectionism leads to procrastination, and procrastination leads in turn leads to paralysis.”

. . . Yes, pay attention to detail. Yes, pursue excellence. But avoid that nagging tendency to strive for perfection, especially on the first attempt.”

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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“. . . therefore I quote” Kubler-Ross, Cloud & Townsend

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

Today’s quotes are taken from The Mom Factor by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I’ve been writing about my relationship with my mom and her current health issues and I want to explain where I am with all this.

Stage 5.

Most people are familiar with the phrase “stages of grief” although, I admit, I wasn’t exactly sure what they all were until I looked them up earlier today:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

“On Death and Dying”
by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross

I’m sure that when my mother dies, I will be sad, but right now, I’m not. I believe I’ve already worked through the bulk of the pain associated with the loss of my mother.

I discovered I was at Stage 5 when this latest “mama drama” began in September. My mom was supposed to have a triple bypass and a valve replacement. And I wasn’t upset. At first I was concerned that something was wrong with me. How could I be so desensitized? Am I in denial? No. I knew she might die. And I wasn’t upset. I had processed this new information and accepted it as fact.

weird.

liberating.

I know the grief I experienced was not the grief of losing someone through death. It was the death of a relationship. Grieving the relationship that was never what I wanted it to be. What I needed it to be. Grieving the relationship that would never become what I wanted it to be. I don’t need it so much anymore. What that relationship didn’t provide, I’ve found in other relationships.

. . . you may not have received everything you need from your mother, and only when someone gives you those ingredients can your life work correctly . . . This is what friends do for each other every day. This is what it means to be restored to the mothering process.

. . . As you begin to see and understand the missing elements in the mothering you received, your responsibility is to grieve and forgive so that way you may be healed of whatever you mother might have done wrong. Then, as you see and take responsibility for your side of the problem, you will be able to receive what you did not get, gain control, and change those areas where life has not worked for you thus far. In this twofold process of forgiveness and responsibility, you will find unlimited growth.

. . . The essence of an adult relationship with a fragile mom is this: If she cannot contain feelings, then relate to her in a way that she can handle. Take your need to be soothed and validated somewhere else. Do not continue wanting what she can’t give. Relate to her in the ways that she can relate.

. . . If you had a fragile mother in real life, you are still in need of containment. You need soothing and structuring, and you can get this from other people in your life and from God. They are there to help, but you have to ask. And you have to learn to receive what is given as well. Do not only place yourselves in good mothering relationships, but make use of them as well. Risk, open up, depend on them, and receive the love and containment that they can bring. If you will respond to mothering in this way, you will find great healing.

“The Mom Factor”
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

So what if the grief I experienced was in losing my mother, not to death, but through a completely different departure? A chosen departure.

It’s taken years to move through the stages and I hung around in “anger” for a very long time. But really, the last 12 months have been the most intense and the most healing. It started when my mother bought a house in Arkansas and asked my dad for a divorce, nearly a year ago. I went straight into denial. I would actually call it disbelief, because I cannot tell you how many times over the course of my life she has told me she would leave my father. A recurring game of “cry wolf.” When I was younger, it was an emotional, unstable, roller coaster ride. Now I’m 44. I’ve had a lot of experience with this game. I didn’t sit around saying to myself, “This isn’t really happening.” I didn’t sit around at all. I didn’t believe her and didn’t want to play this latest game of “cry wolf.” When I didn’t want to talk to her about it, she would say, “I’m really leaving this time.” and I would say, “You’ve said that before.” and she would follow, “This time I really mean it.” and I would sigh and say, “You’ve said THAT before.”

When the game lingered on . . .

I can distinctly remember going through all the stages since then. Except for “Bargaining.” I never did ask her to change her mind and stay. Because I knew it was pointless. When she wants something, she does not stop until she gets it. And she wanted that house in Arkansas. I knew she wouldn’t change her mind. So the “Bargaining” stage? Waste of time. And I’m pragmatic, remember?

I left the “Anger” stage behind before she left. Abandoned it is more like it. Anger was not serving me well. I wrote about that transition already in “therefore I quote . . . Po Bronson” It took a while, but I discovered that I didn’t need her to apologize to me in order to forgive her. I also discovered that I didn’t actually need a relationship with her. Sure, I wish I had a mutually edifying relationship with my mother, but I don’t. No use whining about it. When I’m done whining, I still won’t have a one. Whining would be a waste of time and effort. I don’t like wasting time and effort.

Since my mother moved away in May, I’ve had very little personal contact with her. I’ve used the time to read and learn and work on my own personal restoration – without her involvement.

So, now I find myself in this surreal place. I have boundaries. And I’m sticking to them. And I don’t feel guilty. I know she is very, very sick and I’m not rushing to her side. I made my decisions months ago:

    I will accept any decision she makes about her own health care.
    I will not tell her what to do.
    I will not tell her what NOT to do.
    I will not criticize her choices.
    I will allow her to be responsible for her own choices.
    She can not live with me.

Why would I have made these decisions months ago?

I’ve written a little about her before, but let me give you some more background info. I’ve known this was coming for a very, very long time. She’s a non-compliant diabetic, with a heart condition, high blood pressure, high cholesterol . . . I think she’s on 14 medications right now. I can’t tell you how long she’s had these conditions or how long she’s been dependent on on multiple prescription drugs, but it’s been decades.

My entire family has tried to get her to live a healthier lifestyle. We’ve tried reasoning, begging, anger, tears, manipulation . . . nothing. I had to stop going to restaurants with her. It was just easier. We would all order salad, grilled chicken, broiled seafood . . . she would order Fettuccine Alfredo and make “mmmm” noises. I’m not making this up. All I could think about was her heart clogging up and her blood sugar spiking. And I can never eat at Denny’s again. ever.

So, I’ve been at a place of acceptance about her health for a very, very long time. I no longer disagree with her about ANY health related decision she makes. I do not tell her what I think she should do about any aspect of her health. I liken it to this. Let’s say someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The person has a choice (in this case, my mother). Do they fight for a few extra years or do they live with abandon, enjoying the little time they have left? By her inaction and refusal to alter her diet and lifestyle, she’s essentially chosen to live a shorter life – on her terms. I had a choice. Do I accept that? Or do I put another nail in the coffin of our relationship by never letting it go?

I accepted it. stage 5.

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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“. . . therefore I quote.” Memarie Lane and Kathy Peel

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote. It’s what I do.

I’ve been quoting books, but this gem from Memarie Lane was just too good to pass over just because it didn’t come bound or with an ISBN number:

“A day for me is like a Rubix Cube. Several patterns in several dimensions that have to be solved in tandem. Lining up one pattern may discombobulate another, so I have to keep it all in balance. Hopefully, by the end of the day I’ll have it all sorted out, though the next morning all that work will be undone again.”

Marie Du Jour
by Memarie Lane

Thinking about my main job these days – not my consulting, but my main job as a Family Manager, I have Kathy Peel to thank for the way I view it and the consistent awareness that what I do has value. My quote today is the crux of Kathy’s (and subsequently my) philosophy on the role of Family Manager.

Although there are days when I miserably fail to meet my goals (and I mean MISERABLY), I start over again the next day with a clean slate. Every little change adds up. It was much more difficult to consistently pair my goals with action when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers. There’s so much “reaction” parenting sometimes. You have to react to something you didn’t expect, like a golf ball through the fish tank. (That’s another post.) Now that my kids are taking more ownership of their own lives, washing their own hair and wiping their own . . . It’s easier.

So, although I don’t always meet them, these words have been the cornerstone for my goals for many, many years:

“I wrote down all of my chores and responsibilities – whether they had to do with our house, clothing, children, relatives, bank accounts, pantry, schools, vacations, furniture, holidays, etc., (the list was very long) – and studied them. Then I tried to place each item on the list into a general department, similar to those of a business. I wanted to see if any patterns emerged. The did. As a matter of fact, seven distinct departments emerged that made a lot of sense to me as a Family Manager.

Time – managing time and schedules – getting the right people to the right places at the right time – so that our household can run smoothly. (UPDATED VERSION INCLUDES: with the right equipment.)

  • Goals: To see each day, each hour, each minute as a gift, not to be irresponsibly “spent,” but “used” in a purposeful way. Learn to use small blocks of time to accomplish big tasks. To stop wasting time with meaningless activities. To think and plan ahead so as to eliminate as much chaos and stress as possible from our daily life.

Food: efficiently, economically and creatively meeting the daily food and nutritional needs of my family.

  • Goals: To provide tasty, nutritious meals for our family. And even if the food isn’t gourmet, to make mealtimes especially enjoyable times when we share laughter, tears, dreams, ideas – our worlds, as a family.

Home & Property: overseeing the maintenance and care of all our tangible assets, including personal belongings, the house, and its surroundings.

  • Goals: To appreciate and take care of all of our belongings in such a way that we can enjoy them as much as possible and they will last as long as possible. To create, through the decor and furnishings of our home, a warm and welcoming atmosphere for family and friends.

Finances – managing budgets, bill-paying and a host of other money issues.

  • Goals: To be alert for practical ways every day to live by the motto “Make as much as you can, save as much as you can, give as much as you can.” To live within our budget and spend less than we make.

Special Projects – coordinating large and small projects—birthdays, holidays, vacations, garage sales, family reunions—that fall outside the normal family routine.

  • Goals: To plan occasions and events to celebrate the special moments of life, and create and carry on family traditions. To put making memories high on our priority list. To make sure I (and others) aren’t so overwhelmed with trying to do it right we don’t have any fun.

Family Members and Friends – dealing with family life and relationships, and acting as a teacher, nurse, counselor, mediator, and social chairman. (UPDATED VERSION INCLUDES: child rearing, education, marriage, friends, neighbors, and aging parents.)

  • Goals: To always remember that relationships are the most important thing in life, that people are more important than projects. To help those closest to me develop their full potential by providing opportunities for their growth and valuing them as individuals. To be, to the best of my ability, a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, relative, friend, and neighbor.

Personal Management – growing and caring for myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. (I figured that if I’m going to manage everything else, I’ve got to manage myself.)

  • Goals: To strive to develop my full potential as a woman. To be an avid reader and a lifelong learner, to exercise regularly and eat wisely, to schedule times for personal recreation and refreshment, to grow in my knowledge of God. To take good care of myself and remind myself regularly of my value as a human being.”

The Family Manager
by Kathy Peel

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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a fool and his books are soon parted.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote. I can’t help it. It’s what I do.

I checked out “Speaking of Books: The Best Things Ever Said About Books and Book Collecting” from my local library and it’s been a really GREAT read! I’ll be spending part of my Barnes and Noble birthday gift certificate from FirstHusband’s parents to obtain my very own copy. Because I’m a big ol’ bibliophile like that. Here’s one of my favorite quotes in the book:

The owner of a country house was showing some visitors over a superb library. “Do you ever lend books?” he was asked. “No,” he replied promptly, “only fools lend books.” Then, waving his hand to a many-shelved section filled with handsomely bound volumes, he added, “All those books once belonged to fools.”

Frank Hird, in the Times, March 7, 1928

If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “. . . therefore I quote” post. I’ll try to make this a regular Thursday theme. If you do join in and write your own “therefore I quote” post, please include a link back here? Thanks! (So my quotes are posted on Thursdays. Post your quote whenever you want and link to it on the most recent “therefore I quote” post.)

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