“. . . therefore I quote” Dr. Phil

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

The hostesses of my women’s circle served a pre-Thanksgiving meal for lunch today. And I didn’t have dessert. Let me clarify.

Dessert was a cranberry, pecan, white chocolate pie with a crumble topping.

I can think about it now, because, now, here at home, I have no opportunity to slam a slab down on a harvest paper plate and “taste” it. How did I pass it up? At the time, I was seriously feeling yesterday’s weight training workout and was overwhelming determined not to completely negate all that pain work.

Tonight, as I sat here, thinking about the upcoming holidays and all the “opportunities” for eating stuff that will contribute to “ba donk a donk butt” syndrome, I perused my “health and fitness” shelves for weapons to fortify myself against the onslaught of yuletide Epicureanism.

In my searching, I ran across something from Dr. Phil’s book, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom. It doesn’t just pertain to the temptations we’ll all be facing in the next two months, but rather the temptations we face the rest of the year. I read this a number of months ago and it REALLY made sense to me. I had forgotten it until tonight. So the quote for today (or tonight, at this point) is:

“If you’re like most people trying to lose weight, you probably think that you must be disciplined and resolute twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. This is a will-power driven mind-set, however that is doomed for failure. When your willpower runs out of steam, you invariably break your resolutions. In the aftermath, you develop a sense of guilt that only undermines your efforts and makes further weight-control indiscretions all the more likely . . .

. . . Now here’s something to sit still for: you do not have to be strong twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Read that sentence again: you do not have to be strong twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The truth is, most of the fattening damage you do to yourself is inflicted at very isolated points in time. What this means is that your eating isn’t eternally out of control; it’s out of control only at certain times, during what I call impulse moments. These are brief periods of time, lasting no more than two or three minutes, in which you forget your resolve, you react without thinking, and you break your momentum by caving in to the urge to overeat or binge. Although they seem to come out of the blue, impulse moments are activated by cues in your environment . . .

. . . You can expect to experience four to seven impulse moments during the day. An impulse moment can occur at specific times . . . It can happen when you walk by a bakery and are enticed by the sight and smell of fresh pastries . . .

. . . The best defense for heading off impulses, urges and cravings is twofold. First, you must audit your day in order to figure when impulse moments are most likely to hit. That way, you’re in a better position to avoid them by changing your routine, changing your schedule, or changing your environment.

. . . The second part of your defense involves your response to impulse moments . . . As soon as you feel the impulse, begin engaging, deliberately, in the [an] incompatible substitute.

. . .When you switch gears and start engaging in substitute activities, you change your train of thought, you change your routine, and you change your entire way of coping.

Yes, this requires a little bit of energy, but the good news is that impulse moments pass as quickly as they hit . . .”

It’s that “incompatible substitute” that was such an eye opener for me. The book lists a few examples of incompatible activities, like working in your yard, cleaning something, going for a walk, taking a shower, going to bed . . .

One of my most effective strategies was invented by FirstHusband. We bake a boatload of cookies/cookie bars every year to give away, and we used to taste quite a few – pre and post baking. Now, we pour ourselves a glass of red wine to sip while the smell of cookies permeates the drywall. Chocolate chip cookies and red wine? Temptation gone. Orange juice would probably do it too. But how boring is that?

Any other ideas for “incompatible activities?” I’ll take anything! What activities are incompatible with eating?

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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my new BFF.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

That would be Jody at Infinite Health.

I feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Earlier today, the right side of my trapezius muscle felt like someone was holding a match to it. Burning pain. Not a happy day. The numbness and tingling in my arm were gone, but this was obviously some kind of sick side effect from the traction and the hanging upside down. I’m thinking the bones are slowly moving back to their correct address, but the muscles are slow to catch up.

Since taking a muscle relaxant in the middle of the day today would have totally messed up Little Red Riding Hood‘s Halloween, I called Infinite Health to ask about medical massage. Long story short, I got an appointment less than 30 minutes later. I called my doctor’s office, which was closed for lunch and left a message asking them to please, please, pretty please fax a prescription for massage therapy to Infinite Health before the massage appointment was over. I was willing to pay for the massage no matter what, I’m telling you. But when I came out, the fax was waiting. My Doc is the BEST. I actually did have to pay up front, but we’ll see what the insurance company does. Infinite Health is listed as a provider, along with my new BFF, Jody. Even better? After we deciphered my Doc’s handwriting, do you know what the prescription said?

“Massage Therapy 2x week for 1 month.”

I can do the math on that one baby! EIGHT massages in ONE Month? Now I just need the insurance company to approve it. (oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please.)

I came home and drank LOTS of water to supposedly “flush” out the toxins (lactic acid). Admittedly, there’s controversy about whether this is beneficial, but how can it hurt to drink lots of water? Then I sat in my sauna to sweat it out. Drank more water and went in again.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my dry sauna. I got it on eBay years ago, when I was working full time and had disposable income. Someone went to a home show and won it, didn’t want it and I snapped it up. It’s my own little 4×6 foot cedar box of paradise.

So in case you’re keeping track:

One ruptured disc

VS.

cortesteroids
muscle relaxants
cervical traction
inversion table
massage therapy
gallons of water
dry sauna
strength training

I am competitive. I will win. Ruptured disc. pshh.

I feel like a bat.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I spent some time hanging upside down tonight and let me just say . . . ahhhh. My friend Heidi let me borrow her Teeter Hang Ups F5000 Inversion Table and after a few minutes of watching FavoriteSon finagle it into the back of my van, we got it home, adjusted it for my height and weight and I spent some time hanging. Twice. So let me say again. ahhhh.

I went to see my doctor on Thursday, and he believes I have a ruptured disc in my neck. I’ve been on some serious cortosteroids and a nightly muscle relaxant. Before Thursday, there was numbness and tingling from my neck to my fingertips on my right arm and hand. My doctor, an osteopath (they also do chiropractic care) performed some serious neck cracking. And some more. And some more. ahhhh.

His words? “I don’t think there was one bone in your neck that was where it was supposed to be.”

and

“No more jogging. You can walk. But no more jogging.”

I’m not sure what happened, but I would bet it started with sorting hundreds of books at the Whale of a Sale. Then I upped my cardio workout by including some jogging. I had been walking 3 to 5 miles a few times a week, but for the last four weeks, I’ve been doing interval training. I would jog for about 30 to 45 seconds to increase my heart rate and then walk for a few minutes. Rinse and repeat a few times in my 30 to 60 minute walk and I thought I was doing pretty well. I was jogging longer without wimping out. Unfortunately, my neck and arm pain, the numbness and the tingling were getting progressively worse. And for some stupid reason, I didn’t make the connection.

The neck, shoulder and arm pain aren’t new. I have arthritis in my neck, stemming from an old MBA injury. It was 1994. There was a full book bag hanging on one shoulder and a prehistoric laptop (which weighed as much as a dinosaur) hanging from the other shoulder. There was wrenching and pain. A doctor visit and muscle relaxants. Over the years, there have been stupid choices, resulting in a few days of rest (on muscle relaxants). And for the last few years, there’s been arthritis.

But the numbness and tingling made me nervous. Doc says that if I’m not feeling better in 10 days, I have to have an MRI. I HATE those. Listening to a jack hammer while I’m trapped in a torpedo tube is NOT my idea of a good time. If I have to have one, I’m finding one of those open MRI places.

But I digress and the muscle relaxant is kicking in. What was I saying again?

I remember. I’m going to do EVERYTHING I’m supposed to do to heal. I’m taking the cortosteroids and the muscle relaxant. I’m not jogging or jumping on a pogo stick or doing anything “jarring” to the neck. I’m using my Pronex Cervical Traction Device

And just a few notes. First, no, that is not me in the Pronex device. That is not how I look when I’m in traction. That is not the facial expression of anyone in traction. Secondly, I did NOT pay $339 for mine. They were even more expensive before the Pronex II came out. Back then, they were $450 and you know I am WAY to cheap to pay that much. I got mine on eBay for $80. Somebody was in a car accident, completed treatment and then sold it. Back then, you were supposed to get a doctor’s prescription for it. (I don’t know about now.) I figured his order to go to a physical therapist for traction twice a week was close enough.

So in addition to all that, now, thanks to Heidi, I’m also hanging upside down like a bat.

Does anyone know how to blog upside down?

Want to learn “what works” for lots of different people? Click on over to Works for Me Wednesday hosted by Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer!

“. . . therefore I quote” Kubler-Ross, Cloud & Townsend

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

Today’s quotes are taken from The Mom Factor by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I’ve been writing about my relationship with my mom and her current health issues and I want to explain where I am with all this.

Stage 5.

Most people are familiar with the phrase “stages of grief” although, I admit, I wasn’t exactly sure what they all were until I looked them up earlier today:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

“On Death and Dying”
by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross

I’m sure that when my mother dies, I will be sad, but right now, I’m not. I believe I’ve already worked through the bulk of the pain associated with the loss of my mother.

I discovered I was at Stage 5 when this latest “mama drama” began in September. My mom was supposed to have a triple bypass and a valve replacement. And I wasn’t upset. At first I was concerned that something was wrong with me. How could I be so desensitized? Am I in denial? No. I knew she might die. And I wasn’t upset. I had processed this new information and accepted it as fact.

weird.

liberating.

I know the grief I experienced was not the grief of losing someone through death. It was the death of a relationship. Grieving the relationship that was never what I wanted it to be. What I needed it to be. Grieving the relationship that would never become what I wanted it to be. I don’t need it so much anymore. What that relationship didn’t provide, I’ve found in other relationships.

. . . you may not have received everything you need from your mother, and only when someone gives you those ingredients can your life work correctly . . . This is what friends do for each other every day. This is what it means to be restored to the mothering process.

. . . As you begin to see and understand the missing elements in the mothering you received, your responsibility is to grieve and forgive so that way you may be healed of whatever you mother might have done wrong. Then, as you see and take responsibility for your side of the problem, you will be able to receive what you did not get, gain control, and change those areas where life has not worked for you thus far. In this twofold process of forgiveness and responsibility, you will find unlimited growth.

. . . The essence of an adult relationship with a fragile mom is this: If she cannot contain feelings, then relate to her in a way that she can handle. Take your need to be soothed and validated somewhere else. Do not continue wanting what she can’t give. Relate to her in the ways that she can relate.

. . . If you had a fragile mother in real life, you are still in need of containment. You need soothing and structuring, and you can get this from other people in your life and from God. They are there to help, but you have to ask. And you have to learn to receive what is given as well. Do not only place yourselves in good mothering relationships, but make use of them as well. Risk, open up, depend on them, and receive the love and containment that they can bring. If you will respond to mothering in this way, you will find great healing.

“The Mom Factor”
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

So what if the grief I experienced was in losing my mother, not to death, but through a completely different departure? A chosen departure.

It’s taken years to move through the stages and I hung around in “anger” for a very long time. But really, the last 12 months have been the most intense and the most healing. It started when my mother bought a house in Arkansas and asked my dad for a divorce, nearly a year ago. I went straight into denial. I would actually call it disbelief, because I cannot tell you how many times over the course of my life she has told me she would leave my father. A recurring game of “cry wolf.” When I was younger, it was an emotional, unstable, roller coaster ride. Now I’m 44. I’ve had a lot of experience with this game. I didn’t sit around saying to myself, “This isn’t really happening.” I didn’t sit around at all. I didn’t believe her and didn’t want to play this latest game of “cry wolf.” When I didn’t want to talk to her about it, she would say, “I’m really leaving this time.” and I would say, “You’ve said that before.” and she would follow, “This time I really mean it.” and I would sigh and say, “You’ve said THAT before.”

When the game lingered on . . .

I can distinctly remember going through all the stages since then. Except for “Bargaining.” I never did ask her to change her mind and stay. Because I knew it was pointless. When she wants something, she does not stop until she gets it. And she wanted that house in Arkansas. I knew she wouldn’t change her mind. So the “Bargaining” stage? Waste of time. And I’m pragmatic, remember?

I left the “Anger” stage behind before she left. Abandoned it is more like it. Anger was not serving me well. I wrote about that transition already in “therefore I quote . . . Po Bronson” It took a while, but I discovered that I didn’t need her to apologize to me in order to forgive her. I also discovered that I didn’t actually need a relationship with her. Sure, I wish I had a mutually edifying relationship with my mother, but I don’t. No use whining about it. When I’m done whining, I still won’t have a one. Whining would be a waste of time and effort. I don’t like wasting time and effort.

Since my mother moved away in May, I’ve had very little personal contact with her. I’ve used the time to read and learn and work on my own personal restoration – without her involvement.

So, now I find myself in this surreal place. I have boundaries. And I’m sticking to them. And I don’t feel guilty. I know she is very, very sick and I’m not rushing to her side. I made my decisions months ago:

    I will accept any decision she makes about her own health care.
    I will not tell her what to do.
    I will not tell her what NOT to do.
    I will not criticize her choices.
    I will allow her to be responsible for her own choices.
    She can not live with me.

Why would I have made these decisions months ago?

I’ve written a little about her before, but let me give you some more background info. I’ve known this was coming for a very, very long time. She’s a non-compliant diabetic, with a heart condition, high blood pressure, high cholesterol . . . I think she’s on 14 medications right now. I can’t tell you how long she’s had these conditions or how long she’s been dependent on on multiple prescription drugs, but it’s been decades.

My entire family has tried to get her to live a healthier lifestyle. We’ve tried reasoning, begging, anger, tears, manipulation . . . nothing. I had to stop going to restaurants with her. It was just easier. We would all order salad, grilled chicken, broiled seafood . . . she would order Fettuccine Alfredo and make “mmmm” noises. I’m not making this up. All I could think about was her heart clogging up and her blood sugar spiking. And I can never eat at Denny’s again. ever.

So, I’ve been at a place of acceptance about her health for a very, very long time. I no longer disagree with her about ANY health related decision she makes. I do not tell her what I think she should do about any aspect of her health. I liken it to this. Let’s say someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The person has a choice (in this case, my mother). Do they fight for a few extra years or do they live with abandon, enjoying the little time they have left? By her inaction and refusal to alter her diet and lifestyle, she’s essentially chosen to live a shorter life – on her terms. I had a choice. Do I accept that? Or do I put another nail in the coffin of our relationship by never letting it go?

I accepted it. stage 5.

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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conversations with my mother . . . pie and gum

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

My mom didn’t go into the rehab center. She’s in the hospital instead. She’s taking diuretics intravenously (80 mg Lasix) and has a catheter. Trying to get that 20 plus pounds of water off. They are trying to figure out the pulmonary hypertension and the heart rate of 120. I just spoke with her and she sounds like she’s running a marathon while she’s talking. MrJAK is not sure she’s going to turn this around. Here is an example of her determination to get better:

Mom: I think they brought me the wrong lunch.

Me: Why?

Mom: I’m supposed to be on a low fat, low sodium, diabetic diet, but they brought me a piece of coconut cream pie and I ate it anyway.

I say nothing. NOTHING. I’ve learned.

Later in the conversation:

Mom: I’m not being a very good patient.

Me: Why?

Mom: I’m kind of high maintenance.

I say nothing. NOTHING. I’ve learned.

Then this:

Mom: I found a red pen in my purse, so I wrote a sign that said, “Please leave door open, I’m claustrophobic.” I hung it on the door with chewing gum.

What do I say about that? You got it.

nothing.

toe walking advantage

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

FavoriteSon is FAST. I mean REALLY fast. Check out the photos on Pragmatic Commotion in the post “that’s what I’m TALKIN’ about!“. (I take better photos when I’m not screaming “GO! RUN!! RUN!! RUN!!! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!” I should probably also look through the lens instead of directly at the field.)

While I am hugely proud of him, I must be honest. He’s got an advantage.

Idiopathic toe walking.

There are a few causes for toe walking, including autism and cerebral palsy, but in this case, FavoriteSon gets it from his dad. The physical condition is caused by tight/short heel cords (Achilles tendon). FirstHusband doesn’t walk on his toes anymore, and we always figured FavoriteSon would also outgrow it. And he has, somewhat.

A few years ago, when he was 9, he had a few months of physical therapy and it really helped. After years of toe walking, his body had adjusted and his hip flexors were tight also. So when he stood on what we, in our family, call “regular feet” with his heels on the floor, he was bent forward at the waist at about a 45 degree angle. As he went back up on his toes, he stood straight and tall. We had been monitoring the condition since he began walking and he always hated going to the pediatrician because he would be asked to walk on his heels and it was very uncomfortable. His condition had remained fairly constant until he went through a growth spurt at around 9 years old. When he dropped to his heels and bent over at a 45 degree angle, we determined he needed to see a specialist. The specialist first recommended physical therapy and if that failed, possibly surgery. When the doctor explained that the surgery would involve poking lots and lots of holes in the muscle and then wearing braces on his legs as the muscle healed, FavoriteSon decided he did NOT want surgery. Thankfully, the physical therapy made a huge difference. It was hard work. And it was very uncomfortable. And he complained. But after a few months, he bent forward at about a TEN degree angle when he dropped down onto his heels. A ten degree angle wasn’t enough to warrant surgery. FavoriteSon was VERY happy. And he knew exactly what he had to do when he went through another growth spurt. He had to stretch those muscles to catch up with the bone growth.

This is the winning stretch for him:

And how is he now? Walking on your toes for 13 years makes for some strong calves. And running without putting your heel down first? Makes for some FAST sprinting. So the boy can SPRINT. Sustained running? no. He can’t run much farther than a mile at a time without his heel cords “burning” as he puts it. So, he runs track, not cross country. And he HATES jogging. I was talking with a friend (who is a runner) about his condition and she said, “OH! So he’s already up there!” Yes. He’s always up there.

I can pick him out in a crowd or across a football field because I can recognize his gait. He still walks on his toes, but only slightly. And he can stand heels down without bending over at the waist.

His biggest problem now? His nickname on the football field. “Prancer.” pshhh. A fat man in a red suit can catch “Prancer.” Don’t be calling him Prancer when I’m in earshot. I protect my young.

sometimes, I buy what I hate.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I just can’t diet anymore. Can’t do it. All my life, I’ve been conscious of my weight. Whenever I’ve gone on a diet, it’s always been with a temporary mindset: “I’ll diet till I lose weight and then I won’t have to diet anymore.”

I need a more permanent solution. I need to change the way I eat. Not just temporarily, but for the long term. I need to teach my kids about health and nutrition – without warping their body image. I want to give every single person in my family the tools they need to make smart choices when it comes to the foods they eat.

To that end, I’ve been learning about nutrition and step by step, I’m incorporating what I’m learning into our family’s meals and snacks. I’ve also been sharing what I learn with my family, so we are ALL learning healthy, balanced eating habits together. When I say “we” I mean our entire family. Even 7 year old PinkGirl. We’ve been making small (but cumulative) changes in our eating habits for a few years now. It’s slow, but steady. Since we only incorporate one new change at a time, it’s been fairly painless. We also haven’t boycotted any particular foods, we just limit them if they are “less nutritious.”

Here are some of the microactions we’ve taken our our quest to eat better:

We Buy More Fruit and Make it Easy to Eat. Luckily, everyone in our family LOVES fruit. For the last few years, we’ve been buying MUCH more fruit. We tried blackberries for the first time last summer. (YUM) Some fruits are already easy to eat. Peel a banana, grab an apple, a nectarine, a bunch of grapes or a handful of cherries. Easy. But what about melon? One change we’ve made in our house is that we cut up melon and store it in Rubbermaid in the fridge. Now we don’t throw away a rotten melon two weeks after we bought it because no one took the time to cut it up. We actually EAT it because it’s ready to eat.

We Read Labels. We limit sodium, hydrogenated fats and especially high fructose corn syrup (which is in more foods than I ever thought possible). High fructose corn syrup can spike your blood sugar before you even swallow the food that contains it (well, almost). It’s even in bread. Even in “wheat” bread. We’ve learned that when the label on a loaf of bread says it contains “enriched” flour, it’s really just “brown” bread, not whole wheat bread. After reading e v e r y single label on e v e r y different kind of bread, we finally settled on Nature’s Own 100% Whole Wheat.

As we began reading labels, we began putting different things in our grocery cart. We now buy low sugar ketchup, Smart Balance peanut butter and margarine, Smucker’s Sugar Free Jam, and Barilla Multi-Grain Pasta. We make No-Pudge brownies (SO Good!). We’ve always made chocolate milk with Ovaltine instead of Hershey’s and most of the time, we have hummus and non-fat yogurt in the fridge. Juice? Only Tropicana Healthy Kids (1/2 cup serving) and a few boxes of Juicy Juice which we only use for emergency hypoglycemic melt-downs (quickly followed by a complex carb). Soda? Not so much.

We Eat More Lean Meats. We’re always on the lookout for tasty recipes. When we do eat ground beef, we buy 97% lean and rinse with hot water it in the sink to watch most of that leftover 3% fat go down the garbage disposal.

We Buy More Whole Grains. This one is easy. When we made the switch whole grains, nobody really noticed.

We Buy More Fresh and Frozen Veggies. We used to buy mostly canned veggies, and while we still do buy some, we buy a LOT more fresh produce than we used to buy. We’re working on making veggies more enticing for FavoriteSon. He would prefer to devour an entire pan of whole grain couscous or black beans and rice. His favorite is his dad’s special paella. Poor kid, he has no idea his dad adds pureed veggies to his favorite food.

So, all this said . . . I also allow “junk food” in the house.

I want to teach my kids balance. I remember how I responded to total restriction of junk food as a kid. I snuck food. Eventually, I even snuck food when I was the one restricting myself. I don’t want to risk the same reaction with my kids. I figure, there’s junk food in the world and I want them to make good choices all by themselves. I want to teach them about nutrition and give them the power to make their own choices (FirstHusband and I have veto power). My greatest victory so far? BOTH kids – after begging for a Chick-fil-A milkshakes – THREW THEM AWAY without drinking the entire thing. I asked them both, “Why?”

PinkGirl: “I’m full.”

FavoriteSon: “I don’t want anymore.”

YES!!!! It’s working!

So, the kids are allowed some junk food – IF they also eat the healthy food I ask them to eat. When they do eat junk food, they are required to stick to the suggested serving sizes and are limited as to how many times they can eat junk food in a day. Sometimes, like today, they don’t even ask for any “junk.” Sometimes they have it once in a day. Sometimes twice. Very, very rarely, three times in one day.

What do I consider junk food? Cereal for breakfast. Chips with lunch. Cookies for dessert. Candy. That kind of thing.

But I am their mother. And I’ve struggled with my weight for years. So, while teaching them (and myself) balance and allowing some treats, how do I make sure that when they go to get these treats, they will actually still be in the pantry? How do I make sure that I, myself, don’t treat myself in a moment of thoughtless munching? I remove temptation.

When I do buy junk food, I buy what I hate.

Here’ are some kid favorites that don’t tempt me one little bit:

Ranch flavored Doritos
Funions (oops. Spelled Funyuns)
Chewy Chips Ahoy (but I LOVE the regular Chips Ahoy)
Rainbow Chips Ahoy
Basically anything MILK chocolate (but I LOVE dark chocolate)
Easy Mac
Chef BoyRDee anything
Tom’s brand oven baked “Hot Fries”

You get the idea. Sometimes, I buy what I hate.

Check out more ideas and recipes over at Kitchen Tip Tuesdays hosted by Tammy at Tammy’s Recipes.