an mp3 mom meme.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I’ve been tagged for a fun music meme by Elle at A Complete Thought. Here are the instructions:

1. Put your iPod (or MP3 player) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag some Moms you admire who could use a laugh and a song.

My mp3 player actually had a dead battery, so my sweet FirstHusband found the power supply, charged the player, and completed the meme FOR me while I put PinkGirl to bed. Here’s the result:

HOW DID YOU BECOME A MOM?
“Changes in Lattitudes, Changes in Attitudes” by Jimmy Buffett (Changes in Lattitudes, Changes in Attitudes)

WHAT DID YOU THINK THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BABY?
“Faithfully” by Journey (Frontiers)

WHAT DID YOU DO THE FIRST MORNING AFTER A SLEEPLESS NIGHT?
“Behind These Hazel Eyes” by Kelly Clarkson (Breakaway)

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN SOMEONE COLORS ON THE WALL?
“Sweet, Sweet Song of Salvation” by Selah (Selah)

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A TODDLER’S BODILY FLUID ISSUES?
“Heart and Soul” by Huey Lewis and the News (Sports)

IF SOMEONE SAYS “Can I have a snack?” YOU SAY?
“What Have You Been Doing Lately” by Relient K (The Anatomy of Tounge in Cheek)

IF SOMEONE LEAVES THEIR STUFF ON THE FLOOR, YOU SAY?
“Bad Sneakers” by Steely Dan (Katy Lied)

IF SOMEONE ISN’T SICK TODAY, YOU SAY?
“It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” by Billy Joel (Glass Houses)

HOW DO YOUR KIDS ENJOY YOUR COOKING?
“You’re Getting to Be a Habit with Me” by Diana Krall (Love Scenes)

HOW DID YOUR KIDS DO IN SCHOOL TODAY?
“There Must Be a Way” by Louis Armstrong (What a Wonderful World)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHILE SITTING IN CARPOOL LINE?
“Come to Me” by Bonnie Rait (Luck of the Draw)

HOMESCHOOLERS, WHAT IS THE FIRST SUBJECT TAUGHT OF THE DAY?
“The Coast” by Paul Simon (The Rhythm of the Saints)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP?
“Goodbye Earl” by The Dixie Chicks (Fly)

WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP?
“Don’t Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes” by kd lang (Shadowland)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY AS A MOM?
“From Way Up Here” by Pierce Pettis (Tinsletown)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE AS A MOM?
“This Nightlife” by Clint Black (Put Yourself in My Shoes)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO AS A MOM?
“Pushing the Needle Too Far” by The Indigo Girls (Nomads, Indians, Saints)

HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE REALLY A MOM?
“Take it Easy” (Live) by the Eagles (Hell Freezes Over)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MOST OFTEN AS A MOM?
“Walking Man” by James Taylor (Walking Man)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY AS A MOM?
“Little Girl Blue” by The Carpenters (Lovelines)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET AS A MOM?
“I Can’t Love You Anymore” by Lyle Lovett (The Road to Ensenada)

WHAT IS THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE AS A MOM?
“Same Old Love” by Anita Baker (Rapture)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
“So Many Words” by Pierce Pettis (Tinsletown)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT MAKES YOU CRY?
“I May Know the Word” by Natalie Merchant (Tigerlily)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
“Honkey Tonk Blues” by Huey Lewis and the News (Sports)

HOW DO YOUR KIDS DESCRIBE YOU AS THEIR MOM?
“Yellow Moon” by the Neville Brothers (Yellow Moon)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
“Weasel and the White Boys Cool” by Rickie Lee Jones (Rickie Lee Jones)

WHAT WILL YOUR MOM OF THE YEAR CERTIFICATE SAY?
“Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground” by Willie Nelson (The Essential Willie Nelson)

This last one was FirstHusband’s favorite – but it is a song HE put on MY mp3 player a while back because HE liked it and wanted me to listen to it. But, hon. Willie Nelson? okay. I’ll try.

My favorites?

WHAT IS THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE AS A MOM?
“Same Old Love” by Anita Baker (Rapture)

and

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO AS A MOM?
“Pushing the Needle Too Far” by The Indigo Girls (Nomads, Indians, Saints)

And I do have hazel eyes.

I’m tagging any of the following moms who might happen to have an mp3 player (and a few minutes to spare) – Stephanie at Scraps, Memarie Lane, Tina at Multiple Mom T, Audra Krell, Mocha with Linda, Sandy at Jesus and Dark Chocolate and Amy at Diaries of a Not So Super Mom

I’m curious to see what’s on your mp3 players!

i’m ten years YOUNGER!

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I’ve mentioned a few times that I do strength training with a personal trainer. It continues to be one of my “ACTION” items this year. I started a little over a year ago. The day after my 43rd birthday (I’m 44 now), I called a nearby gym to arrange personal training sessions.

Why at 43? My mother had a stroke a few months prior. She’s only 22 years older than me. I don’t want to get weaker as I get older. I want to keep up with my kids. I don’t want a handicap sticker on my car. I want to be healthy. Strong. Active.

The hard fact is that I am overweight. I never got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after my son was born. Even though I’ve been overweight all these years, I’ve always been under my own personal invisible panic number on the scale. My whole life (with the exception of pregnancy), I’ve stayed under this number. I knew if I got to this number I would freak out. In 2006, I passed that number by 10 pounds. The number is . . . 200 pounds.

I freaked out.

I’ll break this up into two parts. First, the changes I made (and continue to make) with regard to food. Then, what I’m doing about exercise.

FOOD.

First, I called Jenny Craig. I’m a Jenny Craig “lifer” and I needed help. I went on what I called “Jenny Watchers” which is a combination of Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Basically, it is Weight Watchers, but I used the prepackaged Jenny Craig Food. I used Jenny Craig to get back down below the panic number again. I relearned what a portion size looks like. I was reminded to eat something about every 3 hours to keep my metabolism from dropping (it also helps the reflux too). I have a real good understanding of the nutritional info and good eating habits. Now, I am FINISHED with diets. I am just CHANGING the way I eat. Everyday. I can’t sustain a diet for the rest of my life. I need something reasonable I can live with – forever. I’m still learning, trying different techniques and recipes, incorporating new habits.

But I did “Jenny Watchers” for a few months – until summer vacation. It was the first week of August, 2007. I went on vacation at Walt Disney World, ate dinner at the best restaurants on property for 8 days and then didn’t get back to Jenny Craig for 6 weeks. Guess how much I gained after eating Disney food for a week and “normal” food for 5 weeks after that?

I lost 1 pound!

In five weeks. No dieting. Just living normally. After a week of eating DISNEY food!

So no more diets. Just changing the way I eat. The way our whole family eats.

Exercise was next.

I called about personal training sessions. Because I’ve met me. I need accountability. Let’s just say, the trainer at the nearby gym didn’t “get me” and leave it at that. So I called Bally. I joined Bally back in 1989 for something like $2000 (with unlimited tanning, of course) and after paying that off, they’ve been taking $5.33 a month out of my checking account for nearly 2 decades now. The only problem is that I moved a full 30 minutes away from the nearest Bally. But seriously. $5.33 a month. I just couldn’t cancel it. I just couldn’t do it.

So I called Bally. After briefly explaining the reason for my call, the manager asked:

“Do you prefer a male or a female trainer?”

“I don’t have a preference. I just want to maximize my time at the gym. I want to work multiple muscle groups at the same time. I’m not focused on losing weight. I want to be stronger and healthier and I feel like, if I accomplish that, the weight will take care of itself. And I need someone who can help me recognize the line between pushing myself and hurting myself.”

“I have just the person for you. I’ll have her call you when she gets in later today.”

So, later that day, TinyPowerHouse calls me and we arrange my first session.

That was over a year ago and I’ve been driving the 30 minutes to Bally twice a week to let her push me to my limits.

She is SO worth the drive! She’s really VERY good at what she does and a great fit for me. (The right trainer makes ALL the difference!) We rarely use weight machines. We use an adjustable step, dumbbells, weight bars, weight balls, a Bosu balance trainer, a balance ball and my own body weight. I have NEVER worked a lone muscle with her. I ALWAYS work multiple muscle groups when she is bossing me around. And EVERY session, we take it up a notch. EVERY session is challenging. Some might not like that, but I LOVE it. My thought is that if I’m going to pay for it – and make time for it – I’m going to make it COUNT – every time. I even bought a Bosu balance trainer for my house. I already had the dumbbells.

So, you may be wondering. After working with TinyPowerHouse for over a year, how much weight have I lost? Only 5 pounds.

BUT.

I’m down 10% body fat. 10%! Woooo Hoooo!

I read that we lose 10% muscle mass every decade as we age. If that ‘s true, I’m 10 years younger than I was when I started!

The real benefit for me is that I am stronger. I have more energy. More endurance. I am healthier. My body shape is different. I have visible muscle tone! And when I arm wrestle FavoriteSon, I still win. Although I have arthritis in my neck (an old laptop case/bookbag injury in MBA school), I rarely get into traction anymore. At the advice of my accountant, I asked my doctor if he thought strength training would help my neck. He did and wrote a letter indicating that for tax purposes. I found out I can even write it off as a medical expense through my business!

The speed bump in this endeavor is that on January 9th, Bally closed in my area and now the nearest one is 45 minutes away. So TinyPowerHouse and I have decided to continue working together and I’ll pay her directly. She makes more per hour, I pay less. She comes to my house, and tomorrow I’ll go to the community work out room in her complex. I even bumped up my sessions to three times/hours per week instead of two.

Now to add the cardio for some additional weight loss and to modify my evening eating habits, which currently are sabotaging my efforts. Since reading Simple Steps: 10 Weeks to Getting Control of Your Life: Health, Weight, Home, Spirit, my goal is to walk 20 minutes a day on the days I don’t do strength training – and I hope to sneak in some walking on the strength training days too. Some days, I’ll walk longer. Last quarter, I was up to an 18 minute mile and trying to get in 2 or 3 miles at a time but the block of time it required just wasn’t sustainable long term. I know I need some accountability, so I’m probably going to put a widget somewhere on the right indicating whether I’ve been physically active that day.

I’m not giving this up. nope. not giving this up. It’s working for me.

I do most of my strength training workouts while the kids are in school and my kids are old enough to leave home while I walk around the block (with my cell phone, of course).

But moms of babies? Moms of toddlers? You can do it too!

You can find a gym that has a childcare center – don’t settle for substandard care – and take your kiddos to the gym with you! Or take them for a walk in the stroller – just 20 minutes! Check for a “stroller workout” class in your area by going to www.strollerstrides.com or www.strollerfit.com! Can’t find a class? Try it on your own or with some friends using this workout! Or try a video like Mom-O-Rama Workout With Baby, Mom-o-Rama: Workout with Toddler, Mommy Baby Body Builders or Fitmom Postnatal Workout.

You can DO it!

Want to learn cool tips and tricks from lots of different people? Click on over to Works for Me Wednesday hosted by Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer!

“. . . therefore I quote” Pausch & Hartman

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

“Luck is where preparation meets opportunity. ”
— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

There’s a similar quote by Henry Hartman:

“Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity”

My fear is that I’ll get what I’m asking for.

That would be singing and speaking work.

And I’m not sure I want it.

My other fear is that I won’t get any singing or speaking work.

I know. I’m so decisive.

I called my assistant pastor last week and told her that I was available to sing and/or speak at events. For years, I’ve been making myself UNavailable. She immediately had a few ideas and she asked me if I had any recordings of my singing or speaking. And now I’m on youtube.

And now I’m not sure I should be.

One of the youtube clips, “It is What is Is” (Squirrel in the Chimney) was from a Mother’s Day brunch last May. I accepted the invitation because it was local and only a few hours on a Saturday. So much fun! I had a GREAT time. But I had so many other things going on last year, I knew the timing wasn’t right.

A number of years ago, I led music and performed at a weekend retreat and was a key speaker at another. I left Friday afternoon and returned Sunday afternoon. A LOT of work, but a very comfortable fit. LOVED the experience. HATED being away from my family for the entire weekend. I missed EVERYTHING! With a husband who sometime travels and works late, weekends are FAMILY time. I didn’t – and still don’t – want to give that up. We don’t have that many years left until the kids have their own agendas on the weekend. It’s starting with FavoriteSon already.

And with a husband who sometimes travels and works late, evening speaking engagements aren’t really a good idea either. Years ago, we actually instituted a family “policy” about school nights. We don’t participate in activities that required weeknight involvement. We didn’t go to Wednesday night church for years because it ended AFTER PinkGirl’s bedtime. We tried it a few times, but Thursday mornings were HORRIBLE, and on Thursday afternoons after school my children were replaced by their evil, cranky twins.

But now, the kids are older. They stay up a little later. If they stay home alone they actually do what they’re supposed to do – like homework or cleaning up. Okay, they’re kids, so SOMETIMES they do what they’re supposed to do. The point is that FavoriteSon babysits his sister pretty well. She sometimes calls us to tell us NOT to come home because they’re having too much fun.

Now, my family could come with me if I travel. Now, for some reason, I’m thinking that leading a weekend retreat every once in a while wouldn’t be a bad idea. FirstHusband is interested in joining with some other dads at church who take their kids camping one weekend a month. And I would be home all weekend alone. I could relax and do nothing . . . but seriously. Regular readers. Can you see that happening? B O R I N G.

So. I opened a door. Now I prepare, because I believe Randy and Henry.

For me, preparing includes getting my voice into shape. I appreciate the compliments on the youtube videos, but I heard me too. I’ve got some serious work to do. My range is diminished, my breath control is weak and my repertoire is very thin. Since I do better with deadlines, I’m scheduling a recording session at a local school. I’ll be a student project. I’ve done it before and it was a great learning experience. There’s nothing like listening to yourself all alone on a track. eek. I can REALLY tell what I need to work on after that.

Preparing also means putting together some presentations. The hard part is deciding which topics to do first. If someone would just give me a topic, I could just do it. FirstHusband thinks I should create a presentation on “grace based parenting.” hmmm. Is he thinking I need a little reminding? Couldn’t hurt.

Preparing also means updating my website. I’m thinking. I’m learning.

I’m preparing for opportunity.

And hoping it occurs Monday through Friday during school hours.

A Honda Odyssey meme

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I’m inventing a Honda Odyssey meme for personal research and camaraderie.

If you own (or have owned) a Honda Odyssey, you are tagged! And if you DON’T own an Odyssey, but you have experience in these areas, please, join in!

What year is your Odyssey?
2000 (old and paid for)

What’s your mileage?
Approximately 147,500. The windshield sticker says I need an oil change.

How many times have you moved your perfectly adjusted seat on accident while exiting the vehicle because your leg hit the slider controls on the side of the seat?
Approximately 1,460 times. That’s every day for the entire time I’ve owned it.

How many of you can no longer adjust the volume of the radio using the knob and must instead use the volume up and down buttons on the steering wheel?
Been doing that for over a year.

How many of you have replaced the back door springs?
Yep. I think it was a recall.

How many of you got a new, free transmission under recall?
Yep.

How many of you, when using the breaks first thing in the morning after parking outside in the cold, make loud, echoing screech noises as “the dew on your break pads is burned off by the friction.” (That’s what they tell me anyway.)
Yep. My neighbors LOVE me.

And lastly, THE Honda Odyssey question that brings out the stories:

How many times have you had the automatic doors repaired?

Once already, but I need them repaired again. Our current multiple workarounds are holding, hopefully till after Christmas:

1. Approaching the car with all the doors locked, I unlock the car with the key fob . . .

Side note. “fob?” I’ve said that word many, many times before without thinking about it. I have never typed it before and doing so prompted a Google search. Wikipedia says “The word fob may be linked to the low German dialect for the word Fuppe, meaning “pocket”, however, the real origin of the word is unknown.” okay, then.

. . . and turn on the automatic doors. I open the driver’s side auto door with the driver’s door control inside the van.

2. To get the passenger side automatic door open, someone has to open the front passenger door, reach back and unlock the auto door, and THEN pull the auto door handle from the outside of the vehicle – really hard. The door will then “automatically” open.

3. When I start the car, none of the dash lights indicate a door is open. When I put the car in gear, the buzzing begins. I can sometimes stop the buzzing by pressing the driver’s door control for that side to close the door. Lately, that has no effect and the buzzing continues.

4. So I turn off the automatic doors while the car is in gear. The buzzing stops and the doors won’t budge, even when I put the van in Park.

5. When we arrive at a destination, if anyone is sitting in the seat next to the passenger side auto door and wants to exit (Very rarely, these days. NObody wants to sit there.), the driver (me) must again turn on the auto doors with the driver control and sometimes the door can be opened from the inside. Sometimes not, requiring the passenger to climb out the driver’s side auto door or climb up to exit via the front passenger seat.

If the passenger doesn’t want to climb or if someone happens to be in the front passenger seat and has pity on them, they will get out of the van and pull the door handle hard from the outside, thus releasing the trapped passenger.

6. When everyone is to exit the vehicle, and the passengers have escaped using one of the above methods, the passenger auto door must be manually locked by reaching through the front passenger door.

Because this step is often forgotten, I have begun to turn off the auto doors, preventing movement.

7. Finally, I lock the van with the key fob and walk away.

Did I mentioned this van is paid for? That’s what makes it all worth it. I’m singing a little song to myself right now, to the tune of “nanny, nanny, boo, boo”

“I don’t have a car payment. I don’t have a car payment.”

And the back door isn’t broken. It’s just quirky. You have to unlock it 2 to three times with the key fob between trying to open it. Or, as FirstHusband has begun doing – use the key to manually unlock it.

“I don’t have a car payment. I don’t have a car payment.”

“. . . therefore I quote” Hansel, Swindoll, James & Ford

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

I’m going to “set up” today’s quote with a little video. My sister-in-law sent me this back in July of 2007. You may have seen it already. But what a powerful reminder that we CAN.

I don’t know about you, but I won’t be whining about ANYTHING today. Or tomorrow. And if I whine the day after that, I’m watching this video again.

Today’s quote comes from “Eating Problems for Breakfast: A Simple, Creative Approach to Solving Any Problem” by Tim Hansel:

“As Chuck Swindoll said so eloquently, ‘We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.’

Some experts believer that 90 percent of all problem solving revolves around one’s attitude. By definition, attitude refers to:

    one’s mental posture toward a problem or a situation;
    one’s feelings or emotions toward the problem;
    the angle or position of one’s frame of reference.

It’s not so much what happens to us, as what happens in us that counts, or what we think has happened to us.

. . . Life is a process: a complex ever-continuing, ever-change set of problems. The choice is not if you’ll accept problems, but How! Your attitude determines whether or not you will succeed. William James said, “Perhaps the greatest discovery of this century is that if you can change your attitude, you can change your life.”

. . . Henry Ford once said, “That who say they can and those who say that they can’t are usually both right.”

. . . One of the most liberating discoveries of my life was that problems have positive and redemptive purposes: they can be potential blessings. They can be a means for growth . . .

. . . I believe that our greatest problem is our self-limitation. In having a more sane estimate of our abilities, we need to realize the incredible things that God can do in us and through us. When we do that, we become much less intimidated by problems because we know that God is not only for us but in us. Therefore, I am not afraid to fail.

. . . Perhaps you are like me and struggle to keep an appropriate attitude toward problems. One recommendation is to read books on problem solving, motivation and attitude. Although I have read countless books on these subjects in the last twenty years, one book was the most helpful. It far outweighs any other book I have ever read on the subject. It not only has better ideas to suggest but actually offers facts to help you with your attitude . . . It’s a guaranteed life changer. It’s the Bible. I highly recommend it. Someone said of the Bible:

    Know it – in your head;
    Stow it – in your heart;
    Sow it – in the world;
    Show it – in your life.

. . . I recently saw a tremendous formula for success. It consists of these ten points:

  1. Pray
  2. Work
  3. Pray
  4. Work
  5. Pray
  6. Work
  7. Pray
  8. Work
  9. Pray
  10. Work

. . . If you want to improve your problem-solving abilities, follow all ten suggestions. But in the process of developing our problem-solving skills, we’ve got to be careful of the trap of perfectionism. Someone once said that, “perfectionism leads to procrastination, and procrastination leads in turn leads to paralysis.”

. . . Yes, pay attention to detail. Yes, pursue excellence. But avoid that nagging tendency to strive for perfection, especially on the first attempt.”

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

Need help making your link look pretty in the comment? Copy and use this code.

“. . . therefore I quote” Kubler-Ross, Cloud & Townsend

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

Today’s quotes are taken from The Mom Factor by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I’ve been writing about my relationship with my mom and her current health issues and I want to explain where I am with all this.

Stage 5.

Most people are familiar with the phrase “stages of grief” although, I admit, I wasn’t exactly sure what they all were until I looked them up earlier today:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

“On Death and Dying”
by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross

I’m sure that when my mother dies, I will be sad, but right now, I’m not. I believe I’ve already worked through the bulk of the pain associated with the loss of my mother.

I discovered I was at Stage 5 when this latest “mama drama” began in September. My mom was supposed to have a triple bypass and a valve replacement. And I wasn’t upset. At first I was concerned that something was wrong with me. How could I be so desensitized? Am I in denial? No. I knew she might die. And I wasn’t upset. I had processed this new information and accepted it as fact.

weird.

liberating.

I know the grief I experienced was not the grief of losing someone through death. It was the death of a relationship. Grieving the relationship that was never what I wanted it to be. What I needed it to be. Grieving the relationship that would never become what I wanted it to be. I don’t need it so much anymore. What that relationship didn’t provide, I’ve found in other relationships.

. . . you may not have received everything you need from your mother, and only when someone gives you those ingredients can your life work correctly . . . This is what friends do for each other every day. This is what it means to be restored to the mothering process.

. . . As you begin to see and understand the missing elements in the mothering you received, your responsibility is to grieve and forgive so that way you may be healed of whatever you mother might have done wrong. Then, as you see and take responsibility for your side of the problem, you will be able to receive what you did not get, gain control, and change those areas where life has not worked for you thus far. In this twofold process of forgiveness and responsibility, you will find unlimited growth.

. . . The essence of an adult relationship with a fragile mom is this: If she cannot contain feelings, then relate to her in a way that she can handle. Take your need to be soothed and validated somewhere else. Do not continue wanting what she can’t give. Relate to her in the ways that she can relate.

. . . If you had a fragile mother in real life, you are still in need of containment. You need soothing and structuring, and you can get this from other people in your life and from God. They are there to help, but you have to ask. And you have to learn to receive what is given as well. Do not only place yourselves in good mothering relationships, but make use of them as well. Risk, open up, depend on them, and receive the love and containment that they can bring. If you will respond to mothering in this way, you will find great healing.

“The Mom Factor”
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

So what if the grief I experienced was in losing my mother, not to death, but through a completely different departure? A chosen departure.

It’s taken years to move through the stages and I hung around in “anger” for a very long time. But really, the last 12 months have been the most intense and the most healing. It started when my mother bought a house in Arkansas and asked my dad for a divorce, nearly a year ago. I went straight into denial. I would actually call it disbelief, because I cannot tell you how many times over the course of my life she has told me she would leave my father. A recurring game of “cry wolf.” When I was younger, it was an emotional, unstable, roller coaster ride. Now I’m 44. I’ve had a lot of experience with this game. I didn’t sit around saying to myself, “This isn’t really happening.” I didn’t sit around at all. I didn’t believe her and didn’t want to play this latest game of “cry wolf.” When I didn’t want to talk to her about it, she would say, “I’m really leaving this time.” and I would say, “You’ve said that before.” and she would follow, “This time I really mean it.” and I would sigh and say, “You’ve said THAT before.”

When the game lingered on . . .

I can distinctly remember going through all the stages since then. Except for “Bargaining.” I never did ask her to change her mind and stay. Because I knew it was pointless. When she wants something, she does not stop until she gets it. And she wanted that house in Arkansas. I knew she wouldn’t change her mind. So the “Bargaining” stage? Waste of time. And I’m pragmatic, remember?

I left the “Anger” stage behind before she left. Abandoned it is more like it. Anger was not serving me well. I wrote about that transition already in “therefore I quote . . . Po Bronson” It took a while, but I discovered that I didn’t need her to apologize to me in order to forgive her. I also discovered that I didn’t actually need a relationship with her. Sure, I wish I had a mutually edifying relationship with my mother, but I don’t. No use whining about it. When I’m done whining, I still won’t have a one. Whining would be a waste of time and effort. I don’t like wasting time and effort.

Since my mother moved away in May, I’ve had very little personal contact with her. I’ve used the time to read and learn and work on my own personal restoration – without her involvement.

So, now I find myself in this surreal place. I have boundaries. And I’m sticking to them. And I don’t feel guilty. I know she is very, very sick and I’m not rushing to her side. I made my decisions months ago:

    I will accept any decision she makes about her own health care.
    I will not tell her what to do.
    I will not tell her what NOT to do.
    I will not criticize her choices.
    I will allow her to be responsible for her own choices.
    She can not live with me.

Why would I have made these decisions months ago?

I’ve written a little about her before, but let me give you some more background info. I’ve known this was coming for a very, very long time. She’s a non-compliant diabetic, with a heart condition, high blood pressure, high cholesterol . . . I think she’s on 14 medications right now. I can’t tell you how long she’s had these conditions or how long she’s been dependent on on multiple prescription drugs, but it’s been decades.

My entire family has tried to get her to live a healthier lifestyle. We’ve tried reasoning, begging, anger, tears, manipulation . . . nothing. I had to stop going to restaurants with her. It was just easier. We would all order salad, grilled chicken, broiled seafood . . . she would order Fettuccine Alfredo and make “mmmm” noises. I’m not making this up. All I could think about was her heart clogging up and her blood sugar spiking. And I can never eat at Denny’s again. ever.

So, I’ve been at a place of acceptance about her health for a very, very long time. I no longer disagree with her about ANY health related decision she makes. I do not tell her what I think she should do about any aspect of her health. I liken it to this. Let’s say someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The person has a choice (in this case, my mother). Do they fight for a few extra years or do they live with abandon, enjoying the little time they have left? By her inaction and refusal to alter her diet and lifestyle, she’s essentially chosen to live a shorter life – on her terms. I had a choice. Do I accept that? Or do I put another nail in the coffin of our relationship by never letting it go?

I accepted it. stage 5.

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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conversations with my mother . . . pie and gum

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

My mom didn’t go into the rehab center. She’s in the hospital instead. She’s taking diuretics intravenously (80 mg Lasix) and has a catheter. Trying to get that 20 plus pounds of water off. They are trying to figure out the pulmonary hypertension and the heart rate of 120. I just spoke with her and she sounds like she’s running a marathon while she’s talking. MrJAK is not sure she’s going to turn this around. Here is an example of her determination to get better:

Mom: I think they brought me the wrong lunch.

Me: Why?

Mom: I’m supposed to be on a low fat, low sodium, diabetic diet, but they brought me a piece of coconut cream pie and I ate it anyway.

I say nothing. NOTHING. I’ve learned.

Later in the conversation:

Mom: I’m not being a very good patient.

Me: Why?

Mom: I’m kind of high maintenance.

I say nothing. NOTHING. I’ve learned.

Then this:

Mom: I found a red pen in my purse, so I wrote a sign that said, “Please leave door open, I’m claustrophobic.” I hung it on the door with chewing gum.

What do I say about that? You got it.

nothing.

defining “honor thy mother”

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

My blogging has been light in substance the last few weeks. I’ve had some stuff happening. On Monday, October 13th, my mother had two stents and a balloon angioplasty placed in her heart. She was released from the hospital two days later and was staying with friends (in Arkansas). She didn’t get better. She got worse. Today, she will be admitted to a rehab facility for a maximum of 21 days. After that, we’ll see. If she’s better, she will go home to her own house and continue to live in Arkansas. If she’s not, well . . . That’s another post.

Let’s go back. In a nutshell.

My mother went to a high school reunion and reconnected with a friend. He and his wife live in Arkansas. They stay in contact after the reunion. Skip ahead. My mother asks my dad to move to Arkansas after she retires. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave his family. (My two sisters and I, along with our families live in Central Florida. My parents moved here in 1966, when I was two.) Skip ahead. Over a year passes and my dad still says no. Skip ahead. A few months more and my dad still says no. Skip ahead. My mother visits her friend and his wife in Arkansas. She comes home. She says, “I bought a house in Arkansas and I want a divorce.” Skip ahead. In May of 2008, the divorce is final and she moves to Arkansas. Skip ahead. It’s September 23rd. My home phone rings, caller id shows my mom. I’m on my way out the door to work the Whale so I let it go to voice mail. My cell rings, and I’ve got my hands full so I let it go to voice mail. I check caller id in the car and it shows it’s my mother’s number again. I get to the Whale, unpack my car and my cell rings. It’s my dad.

My mother’s friend had called my dad, using my her cell phone. He called to tell my dad that my mother needed a triple bypass and a valve replacement. Would my dad consider coming to Arkansas to take care of her after the surgery? My father, the most gracious man I know, says he can’t do that.

I call my mother. I get the details of her condition and the surgery. I spend DAYS deciding what to do. How do I “honor my mother” and at the same time, not take on the consequences of her actions? How do I “honor my mother” while still making sure that SHE is responsible for her choices? In the end, a friend lost her mother and somehow, at the exact right time, emailed me with some powerful insight. My husband’s input? He wanted me to have no regrets.

I called my mother.

Me: “Mom, forget convenience, forget money. How can I help? What do you need me to do for you? Do you want me to come to Arkansas for the surgery?”

Mom: “Well . . . ”

Me: “When do you want me to come?”

Mom: “Well I’ll be asleep for two or three days after the surgery.”

Me: “Do you want me to be there before you go under?”

Mom: “But then you would just be sitting there for days while I slept.”

Me: “I’ll bring a book.”

We discuss care options for after the surgery. I’ve already Googled the hospital in Little Rock. They have a rehab center. I tell her I feel like the rehab center is the best place for her post-op recovery. She replies, “A NURSING HOME?” “No, mom, it’s a rehab center. Just to help you recover. It’s a short term facility. You wouldn’t be allowed to stay there.” A few days later, her doctor confirms my explanation and agrees that would be the best place for her after surgery.

Skip ahead. Friday, September 26th. The surgery, scheduled for Monday, September 29th, is canceled. Records have to transfer from her Florida doctors to her Arkansas doctors. She has pulmonary hypertension and nobody knows why. More tests. Everything is on hold. She will call me when she knows something.

Skip ahead. It’s Monday, October 13th, a little after 8:00 a.m. She’s calling to tell me that she will not be having open heart surgery. The doctors have decided to do stents instead. At 10:00 a.m. She’s in the waiting room at the hospital in Little Rock. I tell her I love her and I will pray for her at that time. Because I do. And I will. Skip ahead. Her friend calls me using her phone to tell me the procedure went well. She is released from the hospital on Wednesday and goes to stay with her friend and his wife. Skip ahead. Thursday night I call my mother. Her voice is breathy. She is winded. She says she feels terrible. Severe edema. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep. She’s shuffling when she walks and is on oxygen 24/7. I ask her when she sees her doctor again. Tomorrow (Friday). I take a risk. I ask her to ask her doctor if she could go into the rehab facility. Skip ahead. Her friend calls me Friday afternoon to tell me that she will go into the rehab center on Monday.

That’s today.

I won’t be going to Arkansas. But I will call her every day. Here are my boundaries:

Honoring my mother does NOT mean I need to personally take care of her. I just need to make sure she is taken care of, while accepting the decisions she makes about her own care.

Honoring my mother does NOT mean I need to make sure she is not alone. She moved to Arkansas. Alone.

Honoring my mother does NOT mean I need to make sure she is happy. Her expectations of me will escalate.

Honoring my mother does NOT mean putting her before my children and my husband. By moving to Arkansas, she has put me in a position where I have to choose. I must choose my family.

to be continued . . .

“. . . therefore I quote.” Memarie Lane and Kathy Peel

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote. It’s what I do.

I’ve been quoting books, but this gem from Memarie Lane was just too good to pass over just because it didn’t come bound or with an ISBN number:

“A day for me is like a Rubix Cube. Several patterns in several dimensions that have to be solved in tandem. Lining up one pattern may discombobulate another, so I have to keep it all in balance. Hopefully, by the end of the day I’ll have it all sorted out, though the next morning all that work will be undone again.”

Marie Du Jour
by Memarie Lane

Thinking about my main job these days – not my consulting, but my main job as a Family Manager, I have Kathy Peel to thank for the way I view it and the consistent awareness that what I do has value. My quote today is the crux of Kathy’s (and subsequently my) philosophy on the role of Family Manager.

Although there are days when I miserably fail to meet my goals (and I mean MISERABLY), I start over again the next day with a clean slate. Every little change adds up. It was much more difficult to consistently pair my goals with action when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers. There’s so much “reaction” parenting sometimes. You have to react to something you didn’t expect, like a golf ball through the fish tank. (That’s another post.) Now that my kids are taking more ownership of their own lives, washing their own hair and wiping their own . . . It’s easier.

So, although I don’t always meet them, these words have been the cornerstone for my goals for many, many years:

“I wrote down all of my chores and responsibilities – whether they had to do with our house, clothing, children, relatives, bank accounts, pantry, schools, vacations, furniture, holidays, etc., (the list was very long) – and studied them. Then I tried to place each item on the list into a general department, similar to those of a business. I wanted to see if any patterns emerged. The did. As a matter of fact, seven distinct departments emerged that made a lot of sense to me as a Family Manager.

Time – managing time and schedules – getting the right people to the right places at the right time – so that our household can run smoothly. (UPDATED VERSION INCLUDES: with the right equipment.)

  • Goals: To see each day, each hour, each minute as a gift, not to be irresponsibly “spent,” but “used” in a purposeful way. Learn to use small blocks of time to accomplish big tasks. To stop wasting time with meaningless activities. To think and plan ahead so as to eliminate as much chaos and stress as possible from our daily life.

Food: efficiently, economically and creatively meeting the daily food and nutritional needs of my family.

  • Goals: To provide tasty, nutritious meals for our family. And even if the food isn’t gourmet, to make mealtimes especially enjoyable times when we share laughter, tears, dreams, ideas – our worlds, as a family.

Home & Property: overseeing the maintenance and care of all our tangible assets, including personal belongings, the house, and its surroundings.

  • Goals: To appreciate and take care of all of our belongings in such a way that we can enjoy them as much as possible and they will last as long as possible. To create, through the decor and furnishings of our home, a warm and welcoming atmosphere for family and friends.

Finances – managing budgets, bill-paying and a host of other money issues.

  • Goals: To be alert for practical ways every day to live by the motto “Make as much as you can, save as much as you can, give as much as you can.” To live within our budget and spend less than we make.

Special Projects – coordinating large and small projects—birthdays, holidays, vacations, garage sales, family reunions—that fall outside the normal family routine.

  • Goals: To plan occasions and events to celebrate the special moments of life, and create and carry on family traditions. To put making memories high on our priority list. To make sure I (and others) aren’t so overwhelmed with trying to do it right we don’t have any fun.

Family Members and Friends – dealing with family life and relationships, and acting as a teacher, nurse, counselor, mediator, and social chairman. (UPDATED VERSION INCLUDES: child rearing, education, marriage, friends, neighbors, and aging parents.)

  • Goals: To always remember that relationships are the most important thing in life, that people are more important than projects. To help those closest to me develop their full potential by providing opportunities for their growth and valuing them as individuals. To be, to the best of my ability, a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, relative, friend, and neighbor.

Personal Management – growing and caring for myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. (I figured that if I’m going to manage everything else, I’ve got to manage myself.)

  • Goals: To strive to develop my full potential as a woman. To be an avid reader and a lifelong learner, to exercise regularly and eat wisely, to schedule times for personal recreation and refreshment, to grow in my knowledge of God. To take good care of myself and remind myself regularly of my value as a human being.”

The Family Manager
by Kathy Peel

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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free baby holding.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I had a GREAT day Friday. I spent the day with my sister, Wendy and LittleHoudini while her hubs was at work. I arrived a little before 9:00 a.m. and left a little before 9:00 p.m. What an amazing day:

She got:
To take a shower and wash her hair – and blow it dry!
Two 2-3 hour naps.
A fridge with about a weeks worth of cooked dinners in it.

I got:
To hold a tiny baby for HOURS!!!!

They came home from the hospital on Thursday night and I went over to stay with my sister while her husband went to to get her Percocet prescription and stop at the grocery store. LittleHoudini was having a horrible night. Screaming inconsolably. Nothing we tried worked. The nurses had given him a little formula because my sister’s milk hadn’t come in and he was working through it. Not sure if he was hungry or having digestion problems, they gave him a little more formula later that night. Whatever the problem, they all had a rough night Thursday and didn’t get much sleep.

Even though he was exhausted, my brother-in-law had to go back to work on Friday, so I dropped my kids off at school and went straight to my sister’s house. She was wiped out. She had just finished nursing LittleHoudini and I asked if she wanted to take a shower. Such a little thing, a shower, but it can make such a big difference. I just curled up in a chair with LittleHoudini and watched him sleep while she showered and got something to eat. She started to clean up the house, but I gave her such a hard time she settled for sitting on the couch and sorting through her diaper bag from the hospital.

When he woke, she nursed him and when she started to switch him over to the other side she said, “What is that on his face?”

I looked. “Milk.”

“REALLY?”

Later that day, after two naps and some food, she said, “When I saw milk on his face earlier?”

“Yeh?”

“That was the greatest accomplishment of my life.”

See, her own doctor had said to her, “Some women just don’t have much milk.”

Okay doc. Maybe so. But WHY would you say this to a woman BEFORE HER MILK EVEN CAME IN? Was it your intention to make her doubt herself? To anticipate failure even before attempt?

An aside: I admit, I believe in breastfeeding.

And before I say anything about my experience, let me say this: If you give/gave your baby formula, that’s fine with me. Whether you gave your baby formula by choice, medical necessity, or any other reason – I’m not going to berate you or beat you up for it. It’s YOUR decision. Breastfeeding was MY decision. You have every right to disagree with me and I know this can be a controversial subject. If you think formula is better than breastfeeding, feel free to comment, just realize you aren’t going to change my mind. I’ve done my research and I nursed both my kids. I’ve experienced the benefits firsthand. (And this blog is my own personal hate-free zone so any comments containing meanness or passive-aggressive sarcasm are changed to an invisible font.)

I know firsthand how difficult it is to breastfeed and work full-time. With FavoriteSon, the first two months, I was on maternity leave, the third month, I worked part-time and from the fourth through seventh month, I worked full time as a program manager at a college. Every day I expressed milk for the babysitter to give my babies. I had a male co-worker stand outside my office door while I was expressing and moo like a cow. I got him back by calling him on the phone to work through some paperwork – while the breast pump hummed in the background. For some reason, he wasn’t comfortable talking to me at that time. Said he would wait till I was finished. wimp.

From FavoriteSon’s seventh month and when I went back to work after having PinkGirl, I worked as a trainer, teaching classes. I would nurse the baby in the morning, drop off at the sitter’s, start a class, break at 10:00 a.m., express for 10 to 15 minutes, teach till we broke for lunch, sit in my car, eat lunch, express and begin an afternoon session, break at 3:00 p.m., express for 10 to 15 minutes, finish the afternoon class, express one side in the car while driving to pick up at the sitter’s. (The battery operated Medela only takes one hand under the shirt. I got it situated before I started driving. Even the mounted police cameras couldn’t see anything.) When I got to the sitter’s I nursed the baby on whichever side I hadn’t expressed in the car. I carried a lunch box cooler full of food to work, brought home expressed milk in it EVERY day. On those days I had to attend a business lunch, I took 20 minutes before or after to express. It was a routine. It worked. I was very open with my clients about what I was going to do on my breaks and during my lunch. They respected my decision and often provided an empty office for me so I didn’t have to go to the car or drag a chair into the bathroom. When the stress built up and the milk started to go, I would spend a weekend “nursing on demand” like all the books and experts told me to do. It always worked. I got plugged ducts and mastitis. Not just once. And it hurt. And I got rid of the plugged ducts by nursing on demand, like all the books and experts told me to do. For each child, the first week, I had some serious pain. TMI ALERT: Bleeding. Cracking. Even Scabbing. But I knew it was temporary. When it was that bad, it only really hurt for a moment, during the latch. FirstHusband said that when he watched me brace myself when the baby latched on, he was never more proud of me. Me too. I knew it was temporary. By the second week, it was much better and by the third week, I was healed and it didn’t hurt at all. I nursed both my kids for more than a year. That was my decision and it required extended, sustained determination, work and sacrifice. I did it for health reasons, financial reasons . . . LOTS of reasons. That was MY decision.

Breastfeeding was my sister’s decision, too. But before her milk even came in, her doctor had given her the impression that she couldn’t do it. I spent all of Friday working on her confidence and helping her master this delicate part of motherhood. Saturday, we went back over to let PinkGirl, FavoriteSon and FirstHusband meet LittleHoudini. He had a great day, sleeping well and eating well.

I don’t know if my sister will continue to nurse LittleHoudini after she goes back to work, but for now, she’s doing GREAT!