never going to stop trying

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

This post, entitled never going to stop trying, was originally published on Pragmatic Commotion on February 19, 2009. The comment exchange remains with the original post.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.And so he condemned sin in sinful man,in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:1-4 NIV

I love old books.

The dusty old book I picked up this week is entitled “What is a Christian” by A. Leonard Griffith, copyright 1962.

“First and foremost, Christianity is a relationship to a Person. In that sense it differs from great world religions like Judaism and Hinduism and it differs from Communism and other rival secular faiths that compete for men’s allegiance today. All these direct our loyalty to a theological system, a code of ethics, a philosophy or an ideology, but Christianity alone directs our loyalty to a Person. Where Christ is, there is Christianity, and the Christian is a person who tries to be a follower of Jesus Christ.

We say “tries” because no one succeeds perfectly. How very wrong to assume that either you must be a first-class Christian or else you have no right to call yourself a Christian at all. We should never adopt that attitude toward other things. We do not deny ourselves the privilege of education simply because we are not first-class scholars, or the pleasure of singing because we are not of concert calibre, or the enjoyment of knocking a golf ball because we lack professional skill.

The real zest in life lies not in achievement but in effort, not in having arrived, but in striving.”

What a humbling reminder. Being a Christian comes down to ONE thing. A relationship to a Person (with a capital “P”). It is this Person I fail when I sin, not myself. When I become disappointed or frustrated about not meeting my own expectations, I need to remember who it is I am really disappointing. If my goals are in line with God’s will, if my striving is to glorify God, whose “expectations” have I really failed when I sin?

I can’t be a “first-class” Christian. What is that anyway?

I’m going to try to follow Christ. And in this “striving” Mr. Griffith talks about, I have been able to see the sin in self-condemnation.

I will sin. Any minute now. I don’t know how, but I will. I’m human. And I don’t want to waste one minute berating myself. It’s as if Jesus is standing there, waiting on me, with scars on his hands and feet, asking me to come and I respond by saying:

“I’ll be there in a minute. I’m not finished punishing myself yet.”

If Jesus was actually physically standing there, I wonder if he would roll his eyes and say:

“You just don’t get it, do you? Come here. RIGHT NOW. Sit down. Let me explain Grace one more time.”

Instead of wasting time and devaluing Grace by berating myself, I need to sincerely repent, ask forgiveness and try again. I need – and want – to start striving again as soon as possible. Self-condemnation prevents me from doing that. Self-condemnation delays my striving.

I can’t be perfect. It’s just not possible. But I’m not going to let that stop me from trying to follow Christ. If I wander off the road, the Holy Spirit is my GPS. I will find the “right” road again. But I refuse to stand there, in the middle of the “wrong” road, whining about the fact that I got lost.

Again.

By no preachment can we really satisfy that earnest inquirer who asked,
“What is a Christian?” But I wonder if we could point him to someone we know,
someone who has responded to the Master’s call and who so tries to follow Jesus
that of him it might be said, “There goes a Christian.”
A. Leonard Griffith

UPDATE: Debbie’s comment caused me to rethink my wording – and prompted me to do a little research. Found an interesting video on youtube. A preacher talks about the idea of “disappointing God” being a lie. See my comment below Debbie’s for my thoughts on this.

reputations and consequences

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

Jules over at Everyday Mommy has begun Devout Devotions, a weekly exchange where

“women encourage one another to:

1. Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ
2. Devote themselves to observation, interpretation and application of God’s Word in their lives
3. Encourage God-centered behavior and thought”

She posted this week’s questions on Wednesday and I’ve been rolling them around in my head for a few days. Let’s see what comes out through my fingertips as I try to organize my thoughts:

1. Before you begin a new activity for the Lord, what questions should you ask yourself ? “Is this really for God?” “Is this in line with my stated goals for my family and my life?” “Am I being pressured into saying yes when I should say no?” “Is this activity a stepping stone to something else?” “If I say yes to this, what else will I have to give up or say no to later?”

2. Whose reputation matters most to you–yours or God? How do your actions show this? It depends on where I am in my relationship with God.

If I am close to Him, it is His reputation. I have an acute awareness that my actions are a witness. I remember that what I do reflects upon him. To simplify it, when my kids have gone somewhere in their school uniform, or when FavoriteSon went somewhere in his scout uniform, the grown-ups always reminded the kids that because they were dressed in clothing that identified them with those organizations, people would look at what they did as a representation of those organizations. Simple, I know. But the relationship make sense to me.

But. If I am not close to him (and it is always ME who moves away), my honest answer is that my reputation matters more. I don’t believe it is because I want people to like me. I’m not what you might call a people pleaser. I’ve long since given up on gaining approval or love by meeting other’s expectations. That’s a big ol’ waste of my time. What I do know about myself is that much of my self-confidence comes from the power of knowledge and competence. So if I fail – if I erode my credibility through that failure and my reputation takes a hit, I do NOT like it. This is true if I fail in public or private. Sure, some of my self-confidence comes from other’s awareness of my knowledge and competence in certain areas. But, I’ve also come to realize that just as much of my self-confidence comes from ME being aware of my knowledge and competence in certain areas. So, when I fail or sin and I’m the only one who knows about it, my credibility with ME is eroded. And I do NOT like it. But again, that’s when I’m focused on me, not God, so thankfully and by His grace, that isn’t all the time.

3. The majority of culture rebel against God, at home, work and even church. How can you stand against this tide? This one is a little easier to answer. I don’t try to gain approval by meeting other’s expectations. Is that a nice way of saying that I don’t give a flying flip what mainstream culture thinks about how I live my life? How I guide and raise my children? I can live with that. No apologies here for living what I believe.

4. Do you think people should have to live with the consequences of their sins? What does God think about this?

First question: Yes, and that applies to me too, not just “other” people. I’ve seen so many people try the ““Jake” thing from the Blues Brothers. (Go ahead. Click on the link, you’ll see what I’m talking about. It’s 24 seconds.) Seriously. I have no patience for that. Here’s something I’ve been heard to say frequently. “Own it.” And that applies to me, too. An example that immediately comes to my mind happened just over a year ago. I had what I described as one of the most stressful days I had in years. That afternoon, picked the kids up at school and after a few hours in my company, my son said, “Mom? Can I do ANYTHING right today?” ouch. I owned it and apologized big time. I HATE “owning it.” But when I do, I learn so much. Lessons learned to guard against future sins. Hopefully.

Second question: What does God think about this? Immediately I remembered a devotional I wrote last year and the exchange that followed. Elle and Debbie had some comments really made sense.

Find more responses to this weeks questions over at Devout Devotions hosted by Jules at Everyday Mommy

mom coping strategy #1: sleep.

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

Tina has inspired me again. A few weeks ago, she wrote a post on a Bible study she was doing and what she gleaned from it.

“Being kind is definitely something I struggle with. Not with the rest of the world, but with my own children. I get impatient, frustrated, short-tempered and unkind. And I really SO do not want to be that mom. I am praying now for a gentle spirit. I’ve always admired women who have that….godly women that love the Lord and seem to just live and breathe Proverbs 31. Believe me, my children don’t, as a rule, arise and call me blessed.”

My daughter sure as heck doesn’t arise and call me blessed. Often, she’s a crank in the morning until after we give her some orange juice or Ovaltine and her blood sugar levels out. We OFTEN wake her up with a no-spill sippy cup in our hand. (Try it, you might be amazed at the difference in your kiddo’s morning attitude and cooperation.)

I write about my parenting strategies and my perspective, and it may seem like I’m getting it right, but I need to clarify. I fall off the “good mom” wagon all the time. I just get back on as fast as I can. AND, I used to fall off MUCH more often when my kids were home with me 24-7. AND I know some of the reasons why.

PinkGirl and I have our moments. MOST of the time, I can give her grace when she has a blood sugar dip and starts crying for no apparent reason. But sometimes, I find myself asking her, “WHY are you crying NOW?” and saying my standard, “Handle this differently” or “Solve your problem.” in a frustrated, impatient tone of voice instead of my encouraging, reminder voice. Sometimes, when she is “disagreeable,” I completely forget to calculate when she ate last and I react with what is to me, a lack of empathy and a toneless voice. What SHE sees is a mom “who doesn’t care about me when I’m upset!” (and she tells me exactly that.) Instead of responding with grace and providing her a complex carb/protein combo before continuing in a reasonable conversation with her, I react immediately and escalate the situation. The whole episode steals time and energy and peace from our day. It’s a waste. And I know it. I don’t like it. So I try to take my own advice and “Solve my problem” by “handling things differently.”

When find myself impatient or frustrated with my kids, I start by looking for the root causes so I can fix my real problem. Physiological, psychological, spiritual . . . I always start with the physiological. (I’ve got my fair share of problems, but today I’m only focusing on ONE of the the physical problems.) I do a little self-check.

  • Am I tired?
  • Am I hungry?
  • Is my iron low because I keep forgetting to take that stupid pill?

Until I “fix” these physical issues I can’t consistently parent intentionally or well. Unfortunately, “fixing” isn’t an instantaneous, one time thing. Often I have to make consistent changes over time to completely get RID of these problems rather than just trying to manage them. If I’m not careful, I could end up like this: (the first two minutes)

But back to fixing my (physical) problems and handling things differently. Let’s start with “tired.”

I sometimes have trouble getting to sleep. Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep. So I’ve made a few changes:

  • First, I now take Ambien when I need it. Not every day – only when I can’t get to sleep. I started with Tylenol PM. One was too much. Half was just enough. When both my GP and my GYN heard I was taking it, they both suggested Ambien instead. I started with 10mg control release. Too much. I need to wake up when a kid needs me. Then I went with the regular 10mg. Too much. Drowsy the next morning. I now take 5mg.
  • I also intentionally GO TO BED earlier. Sometimes (not often) as early as 10:00 p.m. I’m a night owl. Sometimes I’m not sleepy at 10:00 p.m. If I can’t get to sleep, I take some Ambien. My goal is to go to bed the same day I wake up instead of wake up the same day I go to bed.
  • When I read in bed, I only read fiction. I don’t need to be learning when I’m trying to calm my mind. Even when I read a devotional, I find my brain ramping up when it should be ramping down. To make sure I don’t slip up, I don’t keep any non-fiction books in the bedroom.
  • The low iron can make me weak and tired too, so I take a prescription iron supplement. (But I’m fixing that too.)
  • No coffee after 1:00 p.m. or so. Enough said.
  • Back when PinkGirl was a baby, I would nap when she napped. I read this over and over again when FavoriteSon was a baby and I rarely followed the advice. When PinkGirl was born, I was older, with more on my plate and more tired. I kinda had no choice.
  • Sometimes it was the kid’s sleep cycles that threw a wrench in mine. When a kid won’t go to sleep or wakes up in the middle of the night, what are you going to do? Sleep anyway? Not likely. I’ll write another post on overcoming kid sleep problems. We had to do that too.
  • I removed things from my “To Do” list. Some jobs get harder the longer they are delayed. Like dishes and laundry. But some jobs take the same amount of time and effort each time you do them, regardless of whether you last did them yesterday or last week. Like vacuuming, cleaning the toilet or dusting. So my house wasn’t up to white glove standards. big whoop.

So, given my history and challenges, I have a question for moms like Tina and I who sometimes get, as Tina put it, “impatient, frustrated, short-tempered and unkind:”

What kind of sleep are you getting? Supposedly, a sleep cycle is 90 minutes. I know that when my sleep is fragmented or I don’t get enough of it, I’m predisposed to a lack of patience and frustration. It doesn’t take much to push me off the “good mom” wagon.

Yes, when I get more sleep, my day is shorter. I have less time to accomplish all the things I “need” to. But when I get more (and better) sleep, my day – and my family’s day – is BETTER. And all those things I “need” to do? Some get done. Some don’t. Some jobs I keep doing. Some jobs FirstHusband handles. Some jobs the kids take care of. Some I decide not to do anymore.

You CAN change your situation. Even minor changes can add up. We have choices to make every day. When you say to yourself, “I HAVE to do (insert urgent, important task here).” Rethink it. Do you? What’s the worst thing that would happen if you didn’t? What things can you let go of? What things can you allow others to take responsibility for? Maybe the person who picks up your slack doesn’t do things exactly like you would. Is it THAT important that something be done your way?

I used to think I had no choices. But I was confusing “no choice” with “difficult choice.”

Find more ideas over at Works for Me Wednesday, hosted by Kristen at We Are THAT Family.

Works for Me Wednesday posts prior to February 2009 are archived at Rocks In My Dryer

“. . . therefore I quote” Anna Quinland

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

And eventually being perfect became like carrying a backpack filled with bricks every single day. And oh, how I wanted to lay my burden down. So if any of this sounds in any way familiar to you, if you have been trying to be perfect too, then perhaps today is the day to put down that backpack before you develop permanent curvature of the spirit. Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at some level it’s too hard, and at another, it’s too cheap and easy. Because all it really requires of you, mainly is to read the zeitgeist of wherever and whenever you happen to be and to assume the masks necessary to be the best at whatever the zeitgeist dictates or requires. Those requirements shape-shift, sure, but when you’re clever you can read them and come up with the imitation necessary.

But nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great, ever came out of imitation. What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

More difficult because there is no zeitgeist to read, no template to follow, no mask to wear. Terrifying, actually, because it requires you to set aside what your friends expect, what your family and your co-workers demand, what your acquaintances require, to set aside the messages this culture sends, through its advertising, its entertainment, its disdain, and its disapproval, about how you should behave.

. . . Begin with the most frightening of all things, a clean slate. And then look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: Because they are what I want, or wish for. Because they reflect who and what I am.

I’ve L O N G since stopped trying to be perfect. That’s another post. That’s not where my mind went today when I read “Being Perfect” by Anna Quindlen.

Instead, I’ve been thinking about those last three paragraphs above. Last week I watched Facing the Giants – the entire movie, in 10 minute increments, on youtube. (I will definitely be purchasing this movie for my family.) It’s a football movie, sure, but it encompasses so much more. Since watching the movie, I’ve found myself thinking quite a bit about the overall messages presented.

I’ve written recently about being prepared for opportunity. In the Facing the Giants, a man tells a story about faith and preparation:

I’ve been preparing for opportunity. I’ve been taking action. But my goal has been . . . unfocused. I’m taking advantage of every opportunity I come across, but it’s all adding up to a big pile of puzzle pieces. I haven’t been able to figure out, as Anna Quinland said, “what I want or what I wish for.”

I think I’ve figured out what I want. The coach in Facing the Giants articulated it for me:

“I resolve to give God everything I’ve got. Then I’ll leave the results up to Him.”

So, I’ll continue to prepare for opportunity. Or rain, whichever is in my future. But my focus isn’t only on the logistics anymore. It’s on giving God everything I’ve got. And leaving the results up to Him. That means spending more time in my Bible. And in prayer. And not just in praise and thanks and petitions, but quietly as well. Abiding. (I’m not that good at “doing nothing,” so abiding is difficult for me.) And I’m going to start with a clean slate. I’m going to take my past into consideration, of course, it led me to where and who I am right now. But I’m not going to let momentum lead me into the future. Or be distracted by confessed sin and the past. Rather, in His promise of no condemnation, looking both forward to the future and, more importantly, engaging – really ENGAGING in the present, I’m going to focus on “giving Him the best I’ve got.” (oh, you just THOUGHT I approached life with intention BEFORE. Just wait. I’m going to be . . . tenacious.)

And I feel like I need to clarify. I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of “finding” my “one” purpose or figuring out God’s “perfect” plan for my life. If one person misses God’s “perfect will” for their lives, it would impact too many other people and cause them to miss out on God’s perfect will for THEIR life. Just marrying the “wrong” person means their spouse didn’t marry the right person and so on and so on. I’ve written about it before in a post entitled “learning in flux” but basically here’s what I believe (in a tiny little nutshell):

If I am a God fearing, faith filled, honorable woman who makes choices based on Biblical wisdom, then within the moral will of God, whatever I decide to do, will be equally pleasing to God. And whatever choices I make, I know “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, and who have been called according to His purpose.” HIS purpose. It’s not about me. It’s about me giving Him my very best. Preparing for rain. And leaving the results up to Him.

This last clip is the one that compelled me to watch the entire movie. This is the clip that inspires me. And while many viewers may be inspired and encouraged by Brock’s determination to make it to the 50 yard line, I am inspired by the coach and his determination to show Brock how much more he could accomplish if he gave God his best effort.

i’m ten years YOUNGER!

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I’ve mentioned a few times that I do strength training with a personal trainer. It continues to be one of my “ACTION” items this year. I started a little over a year ago. The day after my 43rd birthday (I’m 44 now), I called a nearby gym to arrange personal training sessions.

Why at 43? My mother had a stroke a few months prior. She’s only 22 years older than me. I don’t want to get weaker as I get older. I want to keep up with my kids. I don’t want a handicap sticker on my car. I want to be healthy. Strong. Active.

The hard fact is that I am overweight. I never got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after my son was born. Even though I’ve been overweight all these years, I’ve always been under my own personal invisible panic number on the scale. My whole life (with the exception of pregnancy), I’ve stayed under this number. I knew if I got to this number I would freak out. In 2006, I passed that number by 10 pounds. The number is . . . 200 pounds.

I freaked out.

I’ll break this up into two parts. First, the changes I made (and continue to make) with regard to food. Then, what I’m doing about exercise.

FOOD.

First, I called Jenny Craig. I’m a Jenny Craig “lifer” and I needed help. I went on what I called “Jenny Watchers” which is a combination of Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Basically, it is Weight Watchers, but I used the prepackaged Jenny Craig Food. I used Jenny Craig to get back down below the panic number again. I relearned what a portion size looks like. I was reminded to eat something about every 3 hours to keep my metabolism from dropping (it also helps the reflux too). I have a real good understanding of the nutritional info and good eating habits. Now, I am FINISHED with diets. I am just CHANGING the way I eat. Everyday. I can’t sustain a diet for the rest of my life. I need something reasonable I can live with – forever. I’m still learning, trying different techniques and recipes, incorporating new habits.

But I did “Jenny Watchers” for a few months – until summer vacation. It was the first week of August, 2007. I went on vacation at Walt Disney World, ate dinner at the best restaurants on property for 8 days and then didn’t get back to Jenny Craig for 6 weeks. Guess how much I gained after eating Disney food for a week and “normal” food for 5 weeks after that?

I lost 1 pound!

In five weeks. No dieting. Just living normally. After a week of eating DISNEY food!

So no more diets. Just changing the way I eat. The way our whole family eats.

Exercise was next.

I called about personal training sessions. Because I’ve met me. I need accountability. Let’s just say, the trainer at the nearby gym didn’t “get me” and leave it at that. So I called Bally. I joined Bally back in 1989 for something like $2000 (with unlimited tanning, of course) and after paying that off, they’ve been taking $5.33 a month out of my checking account for nearly 2 decades now. The only problem is that I moved a full 30 minutes away from the nearest Bally. But seriously. $5.33 a month. I just couldn’t cancel it. I just couldn’t do it.

So I called Bally. After briefly explaining the reason for my call, the manager asked:

“Do you prefer a male or a female trainer?”

“I don’t have a preference. I just want to maximize my time at the gym. I want to work multiple muscle groups at the same time. I’m not focused on losing weight. I want to be stronger and healthier and I feel like, if I accomplish that, the weight will take care of itself. And I need someone who can help me recognize the line between pushing myself and hurting myself.”

“I have just the person for you. I’ll have her call you when she gets in later today.”

So, later that day, TinyPowerHouse calls me and we arrange my first session.

That was over a year ago and I’ve been driving the 30 minutes to Bally twice a week to let her push me to my limits.

She is SO worth the drive! She’s really VERY good at what she does and a great fit for me. (The right trainer makes ALL the difference!) We rarely use weight machines. We use an adjustable step, dumbbells, weight bars, weight balls, a Bosu balance trainer, a balance ball and my own body weight. I have NEVER worked a lone muscle with her. I ALWAYS work multiple muscle groups when she is bossing me around. And EVERY session, we take it up a notch. EVERY session is challenging. Some might not like that, but I LOVE it. My thought is that if I’m going to pay for it – and make time for it – I’m going to make it COUNT – every time. I even bought a Bosu balance trainer for my house. I already had the dumbbells.

So, you may be wondering. After working with TinyPowerHouse for over a year, how much weight have I lost? Only 5 pounds.

BUT.

I’m down 10% body fat. 10%! Woooo Hoooo!

I read that we lose 10% muscle mass every decade as we age. If that ‘s true, I’m 10 years younger than I was when I started!

The real benefit for me is that I am stronger. I have more energy. More endurance. I am healthier. My body shape is different. I have visible muscle tone! And when I arm wrestle FavoriteSon, I still win. Although I have arthritis in my neck (an old laptop case/bookbag injury in MBA school), I rarely get into traction anymore. At the advice of my accountant, I asked my doctor if he thought strength training would help my neck. He did and wrote a letter indicating that for tax purposes. I found out I can even write it off as a medical expense through my business!

The speed bump in this endeavor is that on January 9th, Bally closed in my area and now the nearest one is 45 minutes away. So TinyPowerHouse and I have decided to continue working together and I’ll pay her directly. She makes more per hour, I pay less. She comes to my house, and tomorrow I’ll go to the community work out room in her complex. I even bumped up my sessions to three times/hours per week instead of two.

Now to add the cardio for some additional weight loss and to modify my evening eating habits, which currently are sabotaging my efforts. Since reading Simple Steps: 10 Weeks to Getting Control of Your Life: Health, Weight, Home, Spirit, my goal is to walk 20 minutes a day on the days I don’t do strength training – and I hope to sneak in some walking on the strength training days too. Some days, I’ll walk longer. Last quarter, I was up to an 18 minute mile and trying to get in 2 or 3 miles at a time but the block of time it required just wasn’t sustainable long term. I know I need some accountability, so I’m probably going to put a widget somewhere on the right indicating whether I’ve been physically active that day.

I’m not giving this up. nope. not giving this up. It’s working for me.

I do most of my strength training workouts while the kids are in school and my kids are old enough to leave home while I walk around the block (with my cell phone, of course).

But moms of babies? Moms of toddlers? You can do it too!

You can find a gym that has a childcare center – don’t settle for substandard care – and take your kiddos to the gym with you! Or take them for a walk in the stroller – just 20 minutes! Check for a “stroller workout” class in your area by going to www.strollerstrides.com or www.strollerfit.com! Can’t find a class? Try it on your own or with some friends using this workout! Or try a video like Mom-O-Rama Workout With Baby, Mom-o-Rama: Workout with Toddler, Mommy Baby Body Builders or Fitmom Postnatal Workout.

You can DO it!

Want to learn cool tips and tricks from lots of different people? Click on over to Works for Me Wednesday hosted by Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer!

“. . . therefore I quote” Kubler-Ross, Cloud & Townsend

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote.

Today’s quotes are taken from The Mom Factor by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I’ve been writing about my relationship with my mom and her current health issues and I want to explain where I am with all this.

Stage 5.

Most people are familiar with the phrase “stages of grief” although, I admit, I wasn’t exactly sure what they all were until I looked them up earlier today:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

“On Death and Dying”
by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross

I’m sure that when my mother dies, I will be sad, but right now, I’m not. I believe I’ve already worked through the bulk of the pain associated with the loss of my mother.

I discovered I was at Stage 5 when this latest “mama drama” began in September. My mom was supposed to have a triple bypass and a valve replacement. And I wasn’t upset. At first I was concerned that something was wrong with me. How could I be so desensitized? Am I in denial? No. I knew she might die. And I wasn’t upset. I had processed this new information and accepted it as fact.

weird.

liberating.

I know the grief I experienced was not the grief of losing someone through death. It was the death of a relationship. Grieving the relationship that was never what I wanted it to be. What I needed it to be. Grieving the relationship that would never become what I wanted it to be. I don’t need it so much anymore. What that relationship didn’t provide, I’ve found in other relationships.

. . . you may not have received everything you need from your mother, and only when someone gives you those ingredients can your life work correctly . . . This is what friends do for each other every day. This is what it means to be restored to the mothering process.

. . . As you begin to see and understand the missing elements in the mothering you received, your responsibility is to grieve and forgive so that way you may be healed of whatever you mother might have done wrong. Then, as you see and take responsibility for your side of the problem, you will be able to receive what you did not get, gain control, and change those areas where life has not worked for you thus far. In this twofold process of forgiveness and responsibility, you will find unlimited growth.

. . . The essence of an adult relationship with a fragile mom is this: If she cannot contain feelings, then relate to her in a way that she can handle. Take your need to be soothed and validated somewhere else. Do not continue wanting what she can’t give. Relate to her in the ways that she can relate.

. . . If you had a fragile mother in real life, you are still in need of containment. You need soothing and structuring, and you can get this from other people in your life and from God. They are there to help, but you have to ask. And you have to learn to receive what is given as well. Do not only place yourselves in good mothering relationships, but make use of them as well. Risk, open up, depend on them, and receive the love and containment that they can bring. If you will respond to mothering in this way, you will find great healing.

“The Mom Factor”
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

So what if the grief I experienced was in losing my mother, not to death, but through a completely different departure? A chosen departure.

It’s taken years to move through the stages and I hung around in “anger” for a very long time. But really, the last 12 months have been the most intense and the most healing. It started when my mother bought a house in Arkansas and asked my dad for a divorce, nearly a year ago. I went straight into denial. I would actually call it disbelief, because I cannot tell you how many times over the course of my life she has told me she would leave my father. A recurring game of “cry wolf.” When I was younger, it was an emotional, unstable, roller coaster ride. Now I’m 44. I’ve had a lot of experience with this game. I didn’t sit around saying to myself, “This isn’t really happening.” I didn’t sit around at all. I didn’t believe her and didn’t want to play this latest game of “cry wolf.” When I didn’t want to talk to her about it, she would say, “I’m really leaving this time.” and I would say, “You’ve said that before.” and she would follow, “This time I really mean it.” and I would sigh and say, “You’ve said THAT before.”

When the game lingered on . . .

I can distinctly remember going through all the stages since then. Except for “Bargaining.” I never did ask her to change her mind and stay. Because I knew it was pointless. When she wants something, she does not stop until she gets it. And she wanted that house in Arkansas. I knew she wouldn’t change her mind. So the “Bargaining” stage? Waste of time. And I’m pragmatic, remember?

I left the “Anger” stage behind before she left. Abandoned it is more like it. Anger was not serving me well. I wrote about that transition already in “therefore I quote . . . Po Bronson” It took a while, but I discovered that I didn’t need her to apologize to me in order to forgive her. I also discovered that I didn’t actually need a relationship with her. Sure, I wish I had a mutually edifying relationship with my mother, but I don’t. No use whining about it. When I’m done whining, I still won’t have a one. Whining would be a waste of time and effort. I don’t like wasting time and effort.

Since my mother moved away in May, I’ve had very little personal contact with her. I’ve used the time to read and learn and work on my own personal restoration – without her involvement.

So, now I find myself in this surreal place. I have boundaries. And I’m sticking to them. And I don’t feel guilty. I know she is very, very sick and I’m not rushing to her side. I made my decisions months ago:

    I will accept any decision she makes about her own health care.
    I will not tell her what to do.
    I will not tell her what NOT to do.
    I will not criticize her choices.
    I will allow her to be responsible for her own choices.
    She can not live with me.

Why would I have made these decisions months ago?

I’ve written a little about her before, but let me give you some more background info. I’ve known this was coming for a very, very long time. She’s a non-compliant diabetic, with a heart condition, high blood pressure, high cholesterol . . . I think she’s on 14 medications right now. I can’t tell you how long she’s had these conditions or how long she’s been dependent on on multiple prescription drugs, but it’s been decades.

My entire family has tried to get her to live a healthier lifestyle. We’ve tried reasoning, begging, anger, tears, manipulation . . . nothing. I had to stop going to restaurants with her. It was just easier. We would all order salad, grilled chicken, broiled seafood . . . she would order Fettuccine Alfredo and make “mmmm” noises. I’m not making this up. All I could think about was her heart clogging up and her blood sugar spiking. And I can never eat at Denny’s again. ever.

So, I’ve been at a place of acceptance about her health for a very, very long time. I no longer disagree with her about ANY health related decision she makes. I do not tell her what I think she should do about any aspect of her health. I liken it to this. Let’s say someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The person has a choice (in this case, my mother). Do they fight for a few extra years or do they live with abandon, enjoying the little time they have left? By her inaction and refusal to alter her diet and lifestyle, she’s essentially chosen to live a shorter life – on her terms. I had a choice. Do I accept that? Or do I put another nail in the coffin of our relationship by never letting it go?

I accepted it. stage 5.

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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conversations with my mother . . . pie and gum

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

My mom didn’t go into the rehab center. She’s in the hospital instead. She’s taking diuretics intravenously (80 mg Lasix) and has a catheter. Trying to get that 20 plus pounds of water off. They are trying to figure out the pulmonary hypertension and the heart rate of 120. I just spoke with her and she sounds like she’s running a marathon while she’s talking. MrJAK is not sure she’s going to turn this around. Here is an example of her determination to get better:

Mom: I think they brought me the wrong lunch.

Me: Why?

Mom: I’m supposed to be on a low fat, low sodium, diabetic diet, but they brought me a piece of coconut cream pie and I ate it anyway.

I say nothing. NOTHING. I’ve learned.

Later in the conversation:

Mom: I’m not being a very good patient.

Me: Why?

Mom: I’m kind of high maintenance.

I say nothing. NOTHING. I’ve learned.

Then this:

Mom: I found a red pen in my purse, so I wrote a sign that said, “Please leave door open, I’m claustrophobic.” I hung it on the door with chewing gum.

What do I say about that? You got it.

nothing.

defining “honor thy mother”

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

My blogging has been light in substance the last few weeks. I’ve had some stuff happening. On Monday, October 13th, my mother had two stents and a balloon angioplasty placed in her heart. She was released from the hospital two days later and was staying with friends (in Arkansas). She didn’t get better. She got worse. Today, she will be admitted to a rehab facility for a maximum of 21 days. After that, we’ll see. If she’s better, she will go home to her own house and continue to live in Arkansas. If she’s not, well . . . That’s another post.

Let’s go back. In a nutshell.

My mother went to a high school reunion and reconnected with a friend. He and his wife live in Arkansas. They stay in contact after the reunion. Skip ahead. My mother asks my dad to move to Arkansas after she retires. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave his family. (My two sisters and I, along with our families live in Central Florida. My parents moved here in 1966, when I was two.) Skip ahead. Over a year passes and my dad still says no. Skip ahead. A few months more and my dad still says no. Skip ahead. My mother visits her friend and his wife in Arkansas. She comes home. She says, “I bought a house in Arkansas and I want a divorce.” Skip ahead. In May of 2008, the divorce is final and she moves to Arkansas. Skip ahead. It’s September 23rd. My home phone rings, caller id shows my mom. I’m on my way out the door to work the Whale so I let it go to voice mail. My cell rings, and I’ve got my hands full so I let it go to voice mail. I check caller id in the car and it shows it’s my mother’s number again. I get to the Whale, unpack my car and my cell rings. It’s my dad.

My mother’s friend had called my dad, using my her cell phone. He called to tell my dad that my mother needed a triple bypass and a valve replacement. Would my dad consider coming to Arkansas to take care of her after the surgery? My father, the most gracious man I know, says he can’t do that.

I call my mother. I get the details of her condition and the surgery. I spend DAYS deciding what to do. How do I “honor my mother” and at the same time, not take on the consequences of her actions? How do I “honor my mother” while still making sure that SHE is responsible for her choices? In the end, a friend lost her mother and somehow, at the exact right time, emailed me with some powerful insight. My husband’s input? He wanted me to have no regrets.

I called my mother.

Me: “Mom, forget convenience, forget money. How can I help? What do you need me to do for you? Do you want me to come to Arkansas for the surgery?”

Mom: “Well . . . ”

Me: “When do you want me to come?”

Mom: “Well I’ll be asleep for two or three days after the surgery.”

Me: “Do you want me to be there before you go under?”

Mom: “But then you would just be sitting there for days while I slept.”

Me: “I’ll bring a book.”

We discuss care options for after the surgery. I’ve already Googled the hospital in Little Rock. They have a rehab center. I tell her I feel like the rehab center is the best place for her post-op recovery. She replies, “A NURSING HOME?” “No, mom, it’s a rehab center. Just to help you recover. It’s a short term facility. You wouldn’t be allowed to stay there.” A few days later, her doctor confirms my explanation and agrees that would be the best place for her after surgery.

Skip ahead. Friday, September 26th. The surgery, scheduled for Monday, September 29th, is canceled. Records have to transfer from her Florida doctors to her Arkansas doctors. She has pulmonary hypertension and nobody knows why. More tests. Everything is on hold. She will call me when she knows something.

Skip ahead. It’s Monday, October 13th, a little after 8:00 a.m. She’s calling to tell me that she will not be having open heart surgery. The doctors have decided to do stents instead. At 10:00 a.m. She’s in the waiting room at the hospital in Little Rock. I tell her I love her and I will pray for her at that time. Because I do. And I will. Skip ahead. Her friend calls me using her phone to tell me the procedure went well. She is released from the hospital on Wednesday and goes to stay with her friend and his wife. Skip ahead. Thursday night I call my mother. Her voice is breathy. She is winded. She says she feels terrible. Severe edema. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep. She’s shuffling when she walks and is on oxygen 24/7. I ask her when she sees her doctor again. Tomorrow (Friday). I take a risk. I ask her to ask her doctor if she could go into the rehab facility. Skip ahead. Her friend calls me Friday afternoon to tell me that she will go into the rehab center on Monday.

That’s today.

I won’t be going to Arkansas. But I will call her every day. Here are my boundaries:

Honoring my mother does NOT mean I need to personally take care of her. I just need to make sure she is taken care of, while accepting the decisions she makes about her own care.

Honoring my mother does NOT mean I need to make sure she is not alone. She moved to Arkansas. Alone.

Honoring my mother does NOT mean I need to make sure she is happy. Her expectations of me will escalate.

Honoring my mother does NOT mean putting her before my children and my husband. By moving to Arkansas, she has put me in a position where I have to choose. I must choose my family.

to be continued . . .

“. . . therefore I quote.” Memarie Lane and Kathy Peel

Posted on by Julie Stiles Mills

I read, therefore I quote. It’s what I do.

I’ve been quoting books, but this gem from Memarie Lane was just too good to pass over just because it didn’t come bound or with an ISBN number:

“A day for me is like a Rubix Cube. Several patterns in several dimensions that have to be solved in tandem. Lining up one pattern may discombobulate another, so I have to keep it all in balance. Hopefully, by the end of the day I’ll have it all sorted out, though the next morning all that work will be undone again.”

Marie Du Jour
by Memarie Lane

Thinking about my main job these days – not my consulting, but my main job as a Family Manager, I have Kathy Peel to thank for the way I view it and the consistent awareness that what I do has value. My quote today is the crux of Kathy’s (and subsequently my) philosophy on the role of Family Manager.

Although there are days when I miserably fail to meet my goals (and I mean MISERABLY), I start over again the next day with a clean slate. Every little change adds up. It was much more difficult to consistently pair my goals with action when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers. There’s so much “reaction” parenting sometimes. You have to react to something you didn’t expect, like a golf ball through the fish tank. (That’s another post.) Now that my kids are taking more ownership of their own lives, washing their own hair and wiping their own . . . It’s easier.

So, although I don’t always meet them, these words have been the cornerstone for my goals for many, many years:

“I wrote down all of my chores and responsibilities – whether they had to do with our house, clothing, children, relatives, bank accounts, pantry, schools, vacations, furniture, holidays, etc., (the list was very long) – and studied them. Then I tried to place each item on the list into a general department, similar to those of a business. I wanted to see if any patterns emerged. The did. As a matter of fact, seven distinct departments emerged that made a lot of sense to me as a Family Manager.

Time – managing time and schedules – getting the right people to the right places at the right time – so that our household can run smoothly. (UPDATED VERSION INCLUDES: with the right equipment.)

  • Goals: To see each day, each hour, each minute as a gift, not to be irresponsibly “spent,” but “used” in a purposeful way. Learn to use small blocks of time to accomplish big tasks. To stop wasting time with meaningless activities. To think and plan ahead so as to eliminate as much chaos and stress as possible from our daily life.

Food: efficiently, economically and creatively meeting the daily food and nutritional needs of my family.

  • Goals: To provide tasty, nutritious meals for our family. And even if the food isn’t gourmet, to make mealtimes especially enjoyable times when we share laughter, tears, dreams, ideas – our worlds, as a family.

Home & Property: overseeing the maintenance and care of all our tangible assets, including personal belongings, the house, and its surroundings.

  • Goals: To appreciate and take care of all of our belongings in such a way that we can enjoy them as much as possible and they will last as long as possible. To create, through the decor and furnishings of our home, a warm and welcoming atmosphere for family and friends.

Finances – managing budgets, bill-paying and a host of other money issues.

  • Goals: To be alert for practical ways every day to live by the motto “Make as much as you can, save as much as you can, give as much as you can.” To live within our budget and spend less than we make.

Special Projects – coordinating large and small projects—birthdays, holidays, vacations, garage sales, family reunions—that fall outside the normal family routine.

  • Goals: To plan occasions and events to celebrate the special moments of life, and create and carry on family traditions. To put making memories high on our priority list. To make sure I (and others) aren’t so overwhelmed with trying to do it right we don’t have any fun.

Family Members and Friends – dealing with family life and relationships, and acting as a teacher, nurse, counselor, mediator, and social chairman. (UPDATED VERSION INCLUDES: child rearing, education, marriage, friends, neighbors, and aging parents.)

  • Goals: To always remember that relationships are the most important thing in life, that people are more important than projects. To help those closest to me develop their full potential by providing opportunities for their growth and valuing them as individuals. To be, to the best of my ability, a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, relative, friend, and neighbor.

Personal Management – growing and caring for myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. (I figured that if I’m going to manage everything else, I’ve got to manage myself.)

  • Goals: To strive to develop my full potential as a woman. To be an avid reader and a lifelong learner, to exercise regularly and eat wisely, to schedule times for personal recreation and refreshment, to grow in my knowledge of God. To take good care of myself and remind myself regularly of my value as a human being.”

The Family Manager
by Kathy Peel

“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.

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