It’s not hard to trust God to take care of my kids – if I can just remember that He loves them more than I do. I frequently forget this.
Any feedback/suggestions on the editing is VERY much appreciated! Over time, I’ll be pulling down my current youtube videos and replacing them with shorter clips. This edit job is the first in my learning curve. I just wish the audio could have been recorded directly into the microphone. And the lighting. Ugh. I did what I could – the original recording was pretty dark.
This week, the Works for Me Wednesday blog carnival is reversed. Instead of posting a great idea that works for me, I’m supposed to ask for tips. So here’s the deal. I’ve been outlining a book about pragmatic parenting and I’m looking for ideas outside my own resources and experience.
What is your best/favorite/unique/effective PARENTING TIP?
It can be a tip about ANYTHING. Regardless of the age or gender of the child – it can be pragmatic practices, logistics, shaping character, spiritual development, allowances, scheduling extra-curricular activities, nurturing talents and skills, potty training, dealing with tantrums, bedtime and sleeping habits, developing relationships with your teenager, cell phone limits, family policies, dealing with schoolwork, sibling relationships, dealing with a parent who travels a lot . . . ANYTHING that worked or is working for you!
Comment or write your own blog post and link to it in a comment. Share one tip or many!
Tuesday, I wrote about the motivation behind my practice of seeking out ideas and perspective from others instead of making decisions based on my own limited perspective:
“I will NOT be blind to the possible damage I can do by neglecting to pay attention and to act intentionally when I come face to face with those daily opportunities.”
Yesterday, my mentor was a nine year old little girl:
“Mom, I need more hugs and snuggles from you.”
and
“…you think I’m strong enough to handle my hurts all by myself, but I’m not.”
It seems I’ve been neglecting to pay attention. My daughter is my teacher.
What lessons have your children taught you?
“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Psalm 127:3 (The Message)
“Vision gives significance to the otherwise meaningless details of our lives . . . It’s the difference between filling bags with dirt and building a dike in order to save a town. There’s nothing glamorous or fulfilling about filling bags with dirt. But saving a city is another thing altogether. Building a dike gives meaning to the chore of filling bags with dirt. And so it is with vision . . .
Too many times the routines of life begin to feel like shoveling dirt. But take those same routines, those same responsibilities, and view them through the lens of vision and everything looks different . . .
This is why I can sit in the bleachers for four hours at track meet to watch my son run a total of less than TWO MINUTES. This is why I let my daughter listen to her Mulan Jr. rehearsal CD for HOURS in the car. And in the family room. And in the bathroom. For 15 weeks. It’s why I don’t get angry about the fact that my husband’s work schedule often puts me in “single parent” mode. This is why I’m pausing the drafting of this post to go to lunch with my daughter at school right now.
. . . two days later.
I do these things because I see a bigger picture. I want my children to know, really KNOW that I’m their advocate. I’m home base. I’m the safe house. I’m to be trusted. Depended on. NO. MATTER. WHAT.
And I’ll tell you something. I don’t do it because I’m all that. I do it because I’m damaged. And I’m freakishly, relentlessly determined to BREAK the cycle. Come hell or high water, four hour track meets or obsessive rehearsing, broken glasses, gouges in the wood floor, dishes piled in the sink, 23 rolling water bottles in the floor of my van – MY children will not be damaged in the same way I was. (of course, they will be damaged in other ways – their therapist will tell them how later).
So yes. I relentlessly strive to choose on purpose because I’ve seen what “going with the flow” looks like. Significantly less than optimal. (ya know I edited THAT)
My son may not sit next to me at the track meet, but I’m confident – he’s glad I’m there. He ASKED me to be there. My TEENAGER asked me to be there. I see this as an honor, not four hours in captivity. I know that my daughter takes me and my rides to and from her rehearsals for granted. Now. But she’s nine. And when SHE has a child and drives them around, spending hours in the car everyday, my hope and prayer is that she remembers that I did that for her – and I didn’t complain about it. For years. Because I want her to know and extend grace without letting someone know how put out she was to do it. As we say around here, “It ain’t grace when you give it that way.”
So, yes. When I decide to do something, I give it my best effort. Because I see more than the tasks. I see the REASON behind the tasks. I have lots of hidden agendas and I take advantage of opportunities to teach by example. And by example, that includes asking for forgiveness when I lose my patience with my husband or one of my kids or speak harshly and hurt their feelings. It includes making things right when I do things wrong. And believe me, there’s plenty of “making things right” on my To Do List. Caring for my family is job one. Each one of them is a gift from God and I’m determined – and I mean DETERMINED – to be a good steward of His gifts. I’ve had a close up look at “reactive” parenting and my personal, long term struggle with the negative consequences has been life changing and tenaciously motivating. I’ve seen good enough. And it ain’t.
I chose to be intentional. Consistently intentional. Because I’ve known for a very long time that I was being prepared for a “good work.” And I know, from someplace deep and buried inside me, that if I allow myself to be used by God to do so, I can partner with Him to equip my children and husband for His good work too.
More from Andy Stanley:
“Specifically, vision weaves four things into the fabric of our daily experience:
1. Passion. A clear, focused vision actually allows us to experience ahead of time the emotions associated with our anticipated future. These emotions serve to reinforce our commitment to the vision. Even the most lifeless, meaningless task or routine can begin to “feel” good when it is attached to a vision . . . The emotions associated with being there [are] enough to motivate you through the drudgery of getting there. (emphasis added)
2. Motivation . . . Saving a town is enough to keep you working through the night. But just filling bags of dirt for the sake of bag-filling will leave you looking at your watch.
3. Direction. Maybe the most practical advantage of vision is it sets a direction for our lives. It serves as a road map . . . simplifies decision making . . . vision will prioritize your values. A clear vision has the power to bring what’s more important to the surface of your schedule and lifestyle. A clear vision makes it easy to weed our of your life those things that stand in the way of achieving what matters most . . . Once you have clarified your vision or visions, many decisions are already made. Without vision, good things will hinder you from achieving the best things.(emphasis added)
4. Purpose. A vision makes you an important link between current reality and the future. That dynamic gives your life purpose. And purpose carries with it the momentum to move you through the barriers that would otherwise slow you down and trip you up.
. . . you have probably heard or read this type of stuff before. Self-help books are full of this kind of hype . . . But here is where we part ways with the secular motivational gurus of our culture . . . as Christians, we do not have a right to take our talents, abilities, experiences, opportunities and education and run off in any direction we please . . .
Accumulating money or stuff is a vision of sorts. But it is the kind of vision that leaves men and women wondering. Wondering if there was more. Wondering what they could have done – should have done – with their brief stay on this little ball of dirt.”
“. . . therefore I quote” Thursday: If you have a quote to share from something you’ve read recently, feel free to comment and/or include a link to your own “quote” post.
Need help making your link look pretty in the comment? Copy and use this code.
I wonder if I’ve always seen seasons in my life. Looking back, I don’t remember ever feeling anxious for certain times in my life to be over. I’ve hated a job or two and couldn’t wait for them to be over, I’ve hated a class or two and couldn’t wait for them to be over, but in the seasonal aspect of my life, I feel like I’ve always been comfortable right where I am.
I’ve been a long time true believer in the concept that “Life is a journey, not a destination.” I have a framed print in my living room with the words “Life is a journey.” on the top left corner. It’s a photo of a dad and his toddler son. The dad is painting the wall. The toddler is to his left, coloring on the newly painted wall. It was a two page Nissan magazine ad, I called a 1800 number to get a (free) copy of the print back in the 90’s and had it framed. “Life is a journey” is something I’ve believed for a very, very long time. I believe that everything I’ve experienced – the good and the bad – has led me to the person I am today.
Because I see life through this lens, I try to sincerely pay attention, and really ENGAGE in what’s happening today. I also have this overshadowing perspective that time is FLYING by. Thankfully, I haven’t experienced a personal crisis that threw me face to face with what’s important. But I have paid attention when friends have faced serious illness and death. My focus has been strengthened even more by Rachel Barkey’s testimony. I have a deep realization of what matters to me and try to make decisions based on those priorities.
One priority? My kids.
I didn’t have my son until I was 30. I had completed my education and had started working on my career. It went well. Launching my business in 1994 brought wonderful blessings, personal, professional and financial. I’ve been through some changes with regard to my work status as I do my best to stay true to my commitment to my family. As my family’s needs change, I adapt. But work is another post. This is about family.
Older women told me that the years with kids at home would fly by. We hear that so often as young mothers, covered in baby spit up and smelling like a combination of day old b.o., curdled milk, peanut butter and playdoh and we think, “yeah, yeah, yeah, I need a shower! and a nap. and some solitude.” And I really did need a shower and a nap. I desperately needed a little solitude. Sometimes I got them on the same day I needed them. Sometimes not.
But I KNEW it was true. These days are FLYING by! There’s an urgency about this time with my kids. I don’t want to waste it. I don’t want to let it slip by, while I focus on things that, in the big picture, just don’t matter. I’ve been on the other end of that kind of mothering. I fiercely don’t want that for myself or my kids. I said FIERCELY.
I get to the end of a day and really, really want to have used it well. Some days I look back and see myself saying and doing things I wish I hadn’t. But I have no patience (or time) to wallow in regret. I just tell my kids I was wrong and I’m sorry. Then I start over and try again the next day. Sometimes I don’t even wait for the day to end before I start over. Sometimes I catch myself in the middle of the day and change gears right then. But no matter what I say and do in my effort to achieve “a good day” there’s always been one underlying foundation. I feel like I’ve always done it, but it took a conversation with a client a few years ago to make me conscious of it.
The kids were little. FavoriteSon was 7 and PinkGirl was 18 months old. I remember because I was working at a client site during a firm wide computer upgrade in the summer of 2002. I was with another contractor, in an attorney’s office and the contractor asked: “Mr. W, how did you get such great kids?” Mr. W thought quietly for a few seconds and said:
“Well, you know, I’ve always respected them, no matter how old they were. I’ve always been interested in what they think and how they feel. I’m interested in what interests them. I just really enjoy spending time with them, whether we’re doing some activity together or just hanging out. I think they’re really great people.”
As I listened to Mr. W, I suddenly understood why I cared that a Charmander evolved into a Charmeleon and then into a Charizard. Because FavoriteSon cared. I knew why I actually spent a Friday night reading the entire Official Pokemon Manual to determine whether I would allow FavoriteSon to get into the Pokemon phenomenon. (My favorite Pokemon is a Jigglypuff. When they sing, they put you to sleep and then draw all over your face. Yes. I have a favorite Pokemon.) It’s why I watch every TV show my kids like. (They don’t watch that many shows.) We have a lot to talk about when I watch their TV shows. Learning opportunities abound. I listen to their music. I make FavoriteSon Google song lyrics for our approval before he’s allowed to download music. I made FavoriteSon “friend” me on Facebook.
I want to know anything they want to tell me. Because, someday – someday sooner than I would like – they aren’t going to tell me so much.
So in the middle of all this, I try to make the everyday a “good day.” Sure there’s the dishwasher to load and unload – again. And the laundry – with the man stank of football season. And the bathroom floor, the cat hair on the stairs, kicking a path through toys in PinkGirl’s room, the homework, the kid chauffeuring, the kid bickering, the lunch packing, and whatever that smell is in my van. I tire of this list. You get the idea.
But the thing is, this is life. This stuff happens. E V E R Y day. I can’t stop it. But when it does stop, it will be OVER. And I believe older women when they tell me they remember it as a GOOD time in their life, some even say it was the BEST time in their life. In that frame of reference, this time is so short!
I am COMPELLED to make “good days” in the middle of this fast paced, ever changing thing I call my life. It is so funny how the kids, when asked about what they remember about their past, come up with the simplest of things. Dragging the kitchen table into the family room and covering it with blankets to make a tent in front of the TV. Sending in bowls of popcorn. Leaving the table there for hours because I really had no compelling reason to put it back. Knowing as I handed the popcorn through the blankets that there would be vacuuming in my future.
I’ve spent this regular ol’ Monday afternoon with my daughter while FavoriteSon was at football practice. She and I picked him up, greeting him with a cold Gatorade. I started this post while she was doing her homework and now, as I finish it up and FavoriteSon is in the shower, I hear my husband and daughter in the next room. She’s cracking up. He’s blowing a raspberry on her belly. It’s a school night and there are still lunches to pack, clothes to lay out, showers to finish and prayers to say. Homework is done, dinner is done, the kitchen is trashed. Again. Monday night football for FavoriteSon and FirstHusband. Reading for PinkGirl and myself.
We’ve made a big change here at Casa Aqua (the name Casa Aqua is a long story. Suffice it to say we are no strangers to dehumidifiers and industrial carpet fans). We ditched our straight backed wooden slat chairs (as comfy as they were) and have purchased four office desk chairs for our kitchen table. Take a look:
Last year we experienced a shift in homework time-continuum as FavoriteSon tried different locations to complete his homework. Neither of my kids likes to be isolated during homework time. Neither of them want a desk in their room to do said homework. I’m sure it’s because they just can’t bear to be apart from me.
(convincing and heartfelt pause)
Bwahahahaha!!!
But seriously, this is a good thing. Because they both tend to “daydream” (code word for mild ADD) and I find myself asking “Are you distracted?” “Whatcha doing?” and “Status report, please.” when I see them doing anything BUT homework.
By the end of last year, FavoriteSon’s homework location of choice was MY reading spot:
Reading Spot
He complained that the chairs at both our kitchen table and our dining table made his back hurt. I couldn’t disagree with him. So, we sometimes let him do his homework while sitting here. By the end of these evenings, he was sprawled across the loveseat, eyes drooping, pretty much useless. We would send him to bed and wake him up early to finish in the morning. On the days we forced him to sit at a table, the whining was frequent and escalating, extending the time he spent doing the homework in the chairs of pain. (physical pain for him, a whole NUTHER kind of pain for us.)
This year, we had a plan. We took the kids to Staples and Office Depot to pick out chairs. FavoriteSon settled right into a $90 chair. A little steep, but we agreed with the condition that he N E V E R complain about the seating for homework again. And that he MUST A L W A Y S sit at the kitchen table to do his homework.
PinkGirl kept picking out cushy velour chairs FirstHusband and I vetoed every one, envisioning a daily task of removing crusty food from an increasingly hard and stained surface. ewww.
We finally found a $70 chair for her that was COMPLETELY adjustable. The seat goes up and down and tilts forward and backward. The back goes forward and backward as well as up and down. The entire chair moves up and down. And the arms are adjustable.
Of course, it didn’t match FavoriteSon’s chair. And while I’m not opposed to the quirkiness of this “office chairs in the kitchen” idea, I DO have some sense of aesthetics (aka decorating), so we opted to get two and two. FavoriteSon and I have the same chair and FirstHusband and PinkGirl have the same chair. (So what do you think? Do I need a more contemporary table now? I can’t decide.)
Two evenings of homework and so far, so good.
And yes. I am sure I see scratches on the floor already. But I do not care. This floor has had “character” for years now. When my kids are grown and have moved out, I will have a beautiful kitchen floor. But in the words Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen): “It is not THIS day!”
And I’m okay with that. This works for me – and my family.
So FavoriteSon was invited to go to the beach with a bunch of friends. This is a big deal. Going to the beach without us. Not even with an organized, supervised school or church group, but rather two vehicles full of kids and two parents/drivers.
That would be some new freedom. His dad was fine with it. I wasn’t sure. Here’s the way the conversation went:
Me: “FavoriteSon, if you want more freedom and privileges, you need to demonstrate some personal responsibility, like for your own self-care. For instance, what is one of the most important things you would need to do if you spent the day at the beach without me or your dad?”
FavoriteSon: “uhhhmmmm. Not do anything that would be displeasing to God?”
PinkGirl: “I know! I know! Wear sunscreen?”
Me, to FavoriteSon: “Your sister can go.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I like his answer too, but seriously – what a suck up. Eight years of Christian school can sure bring out the Eddie Haskell in a kid. I would LOVE it if he spent his day at the beach thinking about how he could please God, but he would still come home crispy. I continue the questioning:
Me: “What would you look for to find out if there’s a rip tide?”
Thankfully, the plans changed and they went to Wet-N-Wild instead. Lots of lifeguards, no rip tides. Just free water wedgies. We had to shell out $45 for a ticket, but it gets him in free for the rest of the year. I have a feeling PinkGirl and I will be buying the same ticket this summer.
Anyone want to hang out at Wet-N-Wild? I like me a l a z y river. Float. Walk backwards for exercise between lifeguards. Rinse, repeat.
Kristen emailed me to make sure I was okay and I realized I hadn’t blogged in over a week!
Over a week! What have I been doing?
I missed 7 Quick Takes Friday last week, but it just seems like a good way to catch up on a few things . . .
1. Still healing. Feeling pretty good. Still slow, but getting faster. FirstHusband and I went to Sam’s Club and Walmart together on Saturday and he said I wasn’t annoyingly slow, just a little slow. I leaned on pushed the basket a lot. I get really tired by the end of the day if I’m too active during the day. So. I’m still a bit of a wimp. Thankfully, I’m allowed in my dry sauna now, so that is a WONDERFUL THING. I LOVE my dry sauna.
I wish I could stretch. I mean REEAALLY stretch. Like a cat. When our cats stretch I want to throw things at them to make them stop. It’s not nice that they do that in front of me.
I wish I could sleep comfortably. I mean like I did before the surgery. Hunker down and sleep HARD comfortable, you know?
I wish could get a massage, but I’m still too afraid to lay on my stomach or let anyone even come close to touching my new scar. My back hurts all the time from wearing the compression binder all day. Four weeks down, two more weeks to go.
2. I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis. Really for the first time. I’ve read The Screwtape Letters, but that was over a decade ago and that was fiction. I’ve read excerpts and quotes, but this is the first time I’ve read an entire book by C.S. Lewis. My first pick? “The Problem of Pain.” I’m still working out my thoughts on the paradox of evil and suffering vs. a loving, all-powerful God. Learning a LOT. Making many handwritten notes. And a list of words I need to look up in the dictionary. Like “filial.”
3. Spending a lot of time writing in my prayer journal. About everything. Reading my Bible. Spending time sitting still and shutting up after writing/praying. Listening. Learning. Thinking.
4. Still praying and struggling with what to do about the praise team at my church. Thursday night at 7pm, I went to my first rehearsal since my surgery. The interim leader/director who originally asked me to sing with the group was out of town.
The sound was . . . significantly less than optimal. In the end, I said I wasn’t ready to sing with the group on Sunday. Everyone assumed that I wasn’t feeling up to singing quite yet. True. In a way. I attended the traditional service on Sunday morning instead of the contemporary service, so people wouldn’t wonder why I was sitting out.
I’ll admit, I’m discouraged and confused about the direction of this service and what role, if any God wants me to take. Everything is still in transition. I’m taking it a week at a time. Today, I prayed that God would make it VERY CLEAR whether I should sing with the group this week.
5. Summer has begun and we are actually on track for the daily summer plan. The kids are reading a minimum of 30 minutes every day and they are both physically active every day (they are in the pool right now). FavoriteSon has been practicing the guitar nearly every day and PinkGirl had her most productive piano practice today. (I can’t play, but I do remember my scales, so that’s what I’m teaching her.) She hasn’t been consistent with her daily math, but I’m working on it. We’ve been pretty consistent with a 20 minute rotation of playing/working during the day. My oven timer is getting a serious work out.
6. The kids and I have all gone to the dentist for cleanings in the last week and (unfortunately) PinkGirl had her first filling today. She did GREAT. We go to a pediatric dentist and LOVE him.
7. We got a Wii! FavoriteSon, the family money hoarder has been saving his money for months and decided that he wanted to have a boy/girl birthday party in a few weeks and he wanted Wii to be one of the main activities. So he bought himself an early birthday present. Our family was ready for a Wii. My dad came over on Sunday afternoon after church and he even played. Just one more way to get the kids to be active during the day.
