Do you have a friend who you KNOW differs from you with regard to faith, politics, relationships, social issues, etc?
Is there a difference in how you relate to them one-on-one and how you express your opinion of the cultural sub-groups they fit into?
Do you have a Christian friend and mock Christians as uneducated sheep?
Do you have a liberal or conservative friend who you personally interact with respectfully but then post content that could be viewed by them as arrogant condescension?
Do you post divisive and mocking “us” vs. “them” memes and gifs about the group your friend is affiliated with?
Those friends are not stupid and they don’t live under a rock. They see your posts. They hear what you say. And when you talk to them in real life, they know what you REALLY think about them.
They know you are duplicitous.
(unless you’ve blocked them because YOU ALREADY KNOW you are duplicitous)
Look at the content you post, from the other person’s point of view.
Listen to what you say, from the other person’s perspective.
Often, we have the ability to recognize content that might be viewed as an attack on others who differ from us. If you know it crosses that line, DON’T post it. DON’T say it.
Not sure? If you genuinely care about this other person, be brave. ASK them if they’ve seen or heard anything you posted or said that contradicted the respect you express toward them in person.
Maybe they’ll tell you the truth.
or maybe, they will protect themselves by remaining silent because they know they can’t trust you.
Check it out.
Such a cute video.
Encouraging.
A great example of optimism.
But another thought nags at me.
Scroll below the video if you care to explore that thought with me.
Sure. He’s the “GREATEST CATCHER in the WORLD!”
But that’s not what he wanted. He wanted to be the “GREATEST HITTER in the WORLD!”
But after THREE tries. T H R E E.
all by himself.
with no coach.
no instruction.
no advice.
no developmental feedback (constructive criticism)
no hard work.
no practice.
He GAVE UP his self-proclaimed dream.
and settled for what he was ALREADY good at.
(theoretically. At that moment, he has zero competition. “Greatest Catcher” status remains to be seen until he’s on the receiving end of an average pitcher’s fast ball.)
Does all that sound mean? pessimistic?
If the goal is to make him feel better, then yes. I suppose it is.
BUT. If the goal is to help him GET better, then how is cheering for him when he abandons his dream a good thing? How is cheering for him in this situation NOT encouraging him to give up instead of asking for help and working toward fulfilling his dream?
Seriously. Everything I do well, I probably sucked at in the beginning.
I serve as a career coach and one way I do that is to volunteer with a 12 week program that helps the unemployed and underemployed find, obtain and keep a family sustaining career. As you might expect, the people who apply to this program are looking for a better job. They’re looking for a career inSTEAD of a job.
But even more foundational than that, they are looking for CHANGE. They want a better life. A more stable income. Security. Self-confidence. Hope. Encouragement. Inspiration. They are sick and tired of the status quo and they are at a place in their life when they are ready to do something about it. Without exception, every single person who applies is, by the act of applying, asking for help. When they are accepted into the program, they themselves are agreeing to accept help.
So what happens when the coach they’ve been matched with or another student in their group hears their story and reacts by assuring them they are “fine” just the way they are and they don’t need to change a thing. They are ENOUGH.
If you are looking for change and you are being assured you don’t need to change because “you are enough” just the way you are, what does that mean? What does that do to your motivation? If your choices – by natural consequence – have led you to where you are in life and you are not happy with where you are, is hearing “you are fine just the way you are – don’t let anyone tell you that you need to change” really helpful?
Is it kind?
Is it true?
I find myself thinking about the old adage:
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you always get what you’ve always gotten.”
and
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein
and one of my personal favorites:
“It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”
~ Winston S. Churchill
In my experience, telling these students – or ANYone seeking change or betterment in any area of their life – that they are fine and enough is counter-productive. If you want to get better at anything, there ARE steps you can take and by the sheer nature of the word CHANGE, those steps HAVE to be different steps than the ones you’ve taken in the past and the steps you are taking now. I’ve written about some ways to approach changing for the better four times in the last few days alone:
I feel like I’ve written about this before, but when I’m facing a problem, I tend to believe that someone, somewhere, sometime has faced either my exact same problem or one very similar to it. And that at least one person who has faced and solved this problem – or at least figured out a workaround or a compromise – has written about it (or posted a video about it on youtube).
My first instinct is to search for what they wrote to benchmark best possible solutions.
Most of the time, when I research, I get one of four results:
1. I find the exact best solution to my problem.
2. I find a solution that doesn’t quite work for me, but I can modify it a bit to solve my problem.
3. I find a solution that doesn’t work for me at all, but it sparks an idea for something I hadn’t considered before.
4. I find out what DOESN’T or won’t work.
By being patient, doing my research, putting forth extra effort and not giving up easily, I’ve saved money, time and even relationships. Often, after learning how someone else approached a problem, I’ve gotten what I needed, gotten what I wanted and again, even gotten confirmation that a particular approach would NOT be a good idea.
I love learning from other people’s successes – and mistakes.
“As scary as it is, if you REALLY want to improve, seek developmental feedback.
But NOT from just anyone.
Ask people you trust.
Ask people who have experience in your industry or craft – either firsthand or through extensive observation.
Ask people who have no vested interest in the outcome of your decisions…
…Ask for suggestions. Find qualified teachers and credible mentors.”
If you’ve decided to be brave and seek out developmental feedback from “qualified teachers and credible mentors” your first step is to:
1. Define “qualified” and “credible” so you can identify those people.
In my experience, “qualified” can be interpreted to mean that someone has a degree or certification or some sort of credential they’ve earned through a structured educational or training program. But much too often, that degree or certification represents completion in that program and not necessarily COMPETENCE. I’ve personally gotten more than a few clients because the “credentialed” person couldn’t actually DO the work.
(Sometimes a certification is necessary to meet eligibility requirements, but I stopped getting certifications to enhance my credibility a few decades ago when I recognized that, in many cases, anyone could become certified if they paid for it. I chose instead to diligently pursue competence, strive for excellence, demonstrate a strong work ethic and genuinely care about the needs and success of my clients, which resulted in a solid reputation and a client base built by referrals.)
So, if a credential isn’t a dependable measure of qualified or credible, then what should you look for in a mentor?
Someone who is doing what you want to learn to do – and is doing it well.
These are the people you want to emulate. Research their credentials, find out where they obtained their education and training and who their teachers were. Check out their websites, their Linkedin and any other social media presence they may have. Look for articles they’ve written or interviews they’ve given. If you discover they’ve quoted a book, read it. What they’ve done and experienced has helped them get to where they are today and there’s value in that information. After you’ve learned all you can about them on your own, consider reaching out to them personally.
2. In a career search, one way to find good advice would be through something called an Informational Interview.
An informational interview is different than a job interview in that there’s no specific job opportunity available. Rather, the conversation centers around learning about a particular field or career or even a company, so the interviewer can gain a better understanding of best practices and potential pitfalls. Usually, the interviewer comes away from an informational interview with some solid advice from someone who is or has been where they want to go. Approaching someone to interview can be scary, but you would be surprised at how often a complete stranger is willing to give you a few minutes of their time to give you insight into their chosen profession and tell you about their journey.
3. Identify good teachers by identifying their students.
Finding a good teacher can be tricky. Forget about advertisements. They are often written by someone about themselves and who would ever say anything negative about themselves when they are advertising their own services? Instead, seek out (a) word of mouth referrals, (b) search for social media comments and reviews by their clients (and former clients) and most importantly (c) look at their students, especially long-time students. You would never intentionally get a haircut from someone if you knew all their clients had terrible haircuts. The same mentality applies when it comes to evaluating a teacher.
For instance, I’ve taken voice lessons on and off for decades. I found my current vocal coach because I heard someone sing and thought “Wow! I want to learn to do THAT!” I was drawn to excellence in a student’s performance and I wanted to know who their teacher was – I NEEDED to know who their teacher was.
If you are considering a teacher and none of their students are doing what you want to learn and doing it well, it could be that none of their students are talented or teachable, but the odds of that are slim. If you can’t find a single student of theirs who is demonstrating excellence, or at least growth, my personal advice is to find another teacher. If you still decide you want to work with them, don’t commit to a long-term student/teacher relationship with them immediately. A few lessons or classes during a trial period should tell you whether you are a good fit.
A Caveat:
If your teacher only ever gives you positive feedback, don’t settle for it. Compliments may make you FEEL better, but it won’t help you GET better. After all, if you were perfect, you wouldn’t need their help. Ask them directly to TELL you what weaknesses they see you struggle with and what you need to work on.
4.
Finally, if your teacher runs out of developmental feedback (constructive criticism), YOU’VE OUTGROWN THEM. It’s time to move on and find another teacher who will challenge you.
work you are doing…
the risks you are taking…
the things you are creating…
is positive, consider that for a minute.
Is that what you want? Is that what you need?
How do you tell the difference between someone who’s being nice
and someone who’s telling the truth?
If you NEVER hear negative – or even neutral – feedback how do you know what you need to improve?
If you’ve been the victim of 100% positive feedback… If you are a member of a group of people pleasing back patters… If you ask counterfeit questions, like “Wasn’t that GREAT?!” when you ask someone for their opinion…
Consider the possibility that you have a subjective and unrealistic opinion of your finished product – whatever it is.
Consider the statistical improbability that you are doing everything so well what there’s absolutely no room for improvement.
As scary as it is, if you REALLY want to improve, seek developmental feedback.
But NOT from just anyone.
Ask people you trust.
Ask people who have experience in your industry or craft – either firsthand or through extensive observation.
Ask people who have no vested interest in the outcome of your decisions.
If they believe you are sincere in the asking…
If they have the courage to tell you the truth…
and the feedback isn’t 100% affirmation and praise,
DON’T PUNISH THEM FOR IT.
DON’T argue.
DON’T shut down.
DON’T assume they are wrong.
DON’T dismiss them as a credible resource.
DON’T dismiss the feedback.
DON’T ASSUME THEY DON’T LIKE YOU.
Consider. Search their words for all possible truth. If you’re really brave, seek out a second opinion – again – giving them permission to tell you the truth.
Ask for suggestions. Find qualified teachers and credible mentors. Set realistic long and short-term goals for improvement. Work toward them. Consistently.
Improvement is rarely easy. But in the end, the hard is what makes it great.
I turned 54 three days ago – another birthday without consistent daily fitness, so I thought I’d find out how far I’ve regressed by taking an indo board lunch break and videotaping it (below).
It had been a few months since I’d been on it. Pretty easy up. Then I needed to find out how long I could STAY up.
While reading. (Not kidding – if I look down, I lose my balance. And reading keeps me from getting bored. results posted below the video)
#GoodStewardofthisBody #fitnessaccountability
First Try:
7 minutes up – serious regression. try again.
4 minutes up – now I was ticked off. try again.
10 minutes up – drifted the board into furniture. try again.
16.25 minutes up – meh. try again LATER.
21 minutes up – acceptable. for now.
of course, then I had to find out:
my current forearm plank time (90 seconds) and
my current wall squat time (1 minute) #iIHATEWallSquats
If you find yourself under spiritual attack or facing problems that derail or discourage you from following God’s will and direction for your life, remember two things:
(1) Satan has no need to attack someone who’s not following God. They’re already where he wants them. Comfortably ineffective and stagnant in their faith.
(2) if you have entered into a relationship with Jesus, the Holy Spirit lives IN you and you are equipped by His power.
I’m praying for strength and determination and perseverance and encouragement today. And if you’re reading this, I’m praying the same for you.
(book quote from “the Necessity of an Enemy” by Ron Carpenter Jr.)
54. today. Little introspective, gotta admit. With all the birthday wishes, combined with the fact that today is the closing show of my daughter’s most professional role to date, I told her, “I wish so many good things for every person in the cast. SO many good things.” and I realized, I wish that for you too. No matter our relationship or how long it’s been since we’ve spoken, I wish GOOD, GOOD things for you. And I found myself thinking of this video I made a few years ago.
I wish you an ABUNDANT LIFE. And I pray you know – or come to know – in the deepest, profoundest way, God LOVES you – I mean jealously, unconditionally, holding nothing back LOVES you – NO. MATTER. WHAT. you’ve done or said or think or…He LOVES. Unlike some of his children who may have hurt you. So. My birthday wish? I wish GOOD things for you.
If you don’t feel like watching, here’s the gist of the video:
Looking back over my life, I gotta say. I’m thankful I haven’t always gotten what would make me “happy.” In some cases, that immediate and temporal happiness would have been a dead end. Because – for me – the disappointment, heartbreak or discontent that’s resulted from turned backs, closed doors and unfulfilled dreams has often been the foundation of motivation and inspiration to look beyond the dream I had for myself and discover God had something greater in mind, and His “greater” hasn’t always been wrapped in a big bow of happiness. Sometimes, in the middle of disappointment, it’s hard to remember is that rejection is redirection, that God is sovereign, that He loves me more than I do and that He has promised to work all things together for good. He’s promised to transform me – to help me see people and circumstances from HIS infinite perspective rather than from my own skewed and limited vantage point, where I am the center of me.
So, my 54 year old birthday wish for you?
Don’t settle for what makes you happy.
Instead, relentlessly pursue your next best step, even if you can’t see where the path you are on ends.
If you are a man or women of faith, pray.
Dig into God’s word – learn what the words originally meant before you apply subjective meaning to your life and circumstance.
Find wise counsel – other men and women of faith – and hold each other accountable.
If you love Jesus, then when you look for your “purpose” in life, remember, smack in the trenches of whatever circumstance, relationship, vocation or ministry, your purpose is to:
Love God. Love Others. Make Disciples.
#seepeople #edify because everybody is #justadifferentkindofbroken
“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”
C.S. Lewis
Lots of people CAN do something. Not everyone does. There’s opportunity in that.
If you have a talent, be a good steward of it. Find a teacher. or teachers. Work consistently. Be humble. Be brave. Seek developmental feedback and accept wise instruction. Remind yourself that talent alone isn’t enough. Pray for opportunities to share your talent and be prepared for them.
Luck Favors the Prepared.” Edna Mode
Risk failure. Tell fear to shut up and sit down because it’s YOUR turn.
and remember what Jimmy Dugan said:
“It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.”
Do you have a friend who you KNOW differs from you with regard to faith, politics, relationships, social issues, etc?
by Richard N. Bolles.
Looking back over my life, I gotta say. I’m thankful I haven’t always gotten what would make me “happy.” In some cases, that immediate and temporal happiness would have been a dead end. Because – for me – the disappointment, heartbreak or discontent that’s resulted from turned backs, closed doors and unfulfilled dreams has often been the foundation of motivation and inspiration to look beyond the dream I had for myself and discover God had something greater in mind, and His “greater” hasn’t always been wrapped in a big bow of happiness. Sometimes, in the middle of disappointment, it’s hard to remember is that rejection is redirection, that God is sovereign, that He loves me more than I do and that He has promised to work all things together for good. He’s promised to transform me – to help me see people and circumstances from HIS infinite perspective rather than from my own skewed and limited vantage point, where I am the center of me.