humor Archives - Page 2 of 16 - Pragmatic Compendium

facebook fragments: 01/18/14 – 01/24/14

Posted on February 3, 2014October 18, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I have a harmony stuck in my head.

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PinkGirl. Please STOP doing the Chocolate Dance and get ready for bed.
#ilovemydaughter

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Wednesday, January 22, 2014
PinkGirl. Please STOP doing the Chocolate Dance and get ready for school.
#ilovemydaughter

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A huge THANK YOU to Kristen from BodyInUnity Inc.! After more than 6 months off, I went to my 3rd Christian yoga class yesterday at a new location for me – Willow Creek PCA in Winter Springs (FL). Locals, if you’re looking for a Christian yoga class, I can personally recommend Kristen! Check out her class locations and times through the Body In Unity website, HERE. (scroll down to see the schedule) NO FEES! Donations only!

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It would appear that Bob the Cat and I are playing the “Cat Wants In-Cat Wants Out” game today.
I’m reminded of the Sad Cat Diary:
“I put in a simple request regarding the door to the garden. But seemingly out of sheer spite, the authorities refuse to hold the door open long enough for me to decide whether to go outside. or inside. or outside. or inside.”

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Logged into my bank yesterday. My credit card had a zero balance. And I had a brand new credit card. with a brand new number. A card we didn’t apply for. showing that missing balance.
Thank you Target.
and NO thank you. I do NOT want a Red Card.
I don’t need a new bank account number too.

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The 2014 Living Room Makeover is stalled. Technically it’s because I haven’t ordered the rest of the flooring yet. Or painted the room. Or picked a paint color. Until today. Paralyzed by tones of wheat, I finally settled on one. Not because I loved the color, but because the name of it is “Pecan Sandie.”

Yes. My decorating choices are guided by cookies. That being said, when asked about the decorating delay, I shall steadfastly deny procrastination, indecision and cookies and blame it all on the busyness surrounding the production of PinkGirl’s latest play. She’s Sally Brown in You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown. Last weekend and this weekend.
Do they make a paint additive that smells like cookies?
(click below to see the before photos and the progress so far)

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Thursday, January 23, 2014
The garbage cans I ordered came yesterday. Opened the 1st box, not the 2nd.
PinkGirl: “Mom, what was that crashing noise this morning, right before Bob started crying?”
It really does look like the top of the 1st box could support the weight of a cat, doesn’t it?

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My dentist is going to tell me I need a crown for a cracked tooth.
She’s also going to tell me I need a night guard because I clench my teeth while sleeping, which resulted in a cracked tooth.
Which has been cracked for years.
Which is why I’ve said no to the crown for years.
Today I find out if the crack has grown. I really do NOT want a crown. I already have one and it was a significantly less than optimal experience. (By the time I needed my next cleaning, I had a new dentist.)
I’d rather paint the living room than go to the dentist.
okay. I’m done whining.
for a while.

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If I actually intended to use this flap on our new garbage can, this crooked sticker with bubbles in it would make me grumble every time I threw something away.
#ocd

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“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

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Friday, January 24, 2014
Spent a couple of hours at BrightLight Books yesterday.
And a couple of hours reading.
#incurablebibliophile

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Need. Bookcases.
#incurablebibliophile

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The clothing and makeup is dated, but the message is timeless.
Jump to the 16 minute mark to get to the guts of this:
(or check out the book version “Dinner with a Perfect Stranger” It’s short. 178 pages.)

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That yoga class I took last night?
Feeling it right now. I am seriously out of shape.
Even the bottom of my feet hurt.

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Little known facts about 19th-century protestant non-state missionaries: “Areas where Protestant missionaries had a significant presence in the past are on average more economically developed today, with comparatively better health, lower infant mortality, lower corruption, greater literacy, higher educational attainment (especially for women), and more robust membership in nongovernmental associations.” Read the full article HERE.

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To see more previous facebook update and compilation blog posts, CLICK HERE.

facebook fragments: 12/28/13 – 01/10/14

Posted on January 10, 2014October 18, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

For those of you who don’t follow me on facebook…

Wednesday, 12/25/13
What time did you wake up? PinkGirl came in our room at 8:52am.
I told her the time was too weird to get up and I had to snooze for 8 minutes.

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Saturday, 12/28/13
Toto, I don’t think we’re in Orlando anymore. #mykindamovietheater

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Sunday, 12/29/13
“Julie’s road trip driving tips:
1. If your vehicle has cruise control, it must be used.
2. If you set the cruise control on your vehicle, leave it alone. seriously.
3. If you feel compelled to constantly change the speed of the cruise control, let someone else drive.
4. If you pull in front of me and tap your brakes, my family will be forced to hear the nonsensical rant of Yosemite Sam until I can pass you. and probably for at least 60 to 90 seconds after that. #homesweethome ”

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Monday, 12/30/13
“Out with the old (1996), in with the new. I can’t believe I actually picked FLOWERS on purpose.
#whatwasithinking #girlytominimalist”

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“I love the sound of my kids laughing together. #dontblink”

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Tuesday, 12/31/13
“My daughter is so lucky I only post stuff about her with her permission. so. very. very. lucky. #ilovemydaughter”

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Monday, 01/06/14
“Waiting for PinkGirl in car line. I’m gonna miss this when FavoriteSon’s classes start. I’ll only get to drive his car on Fridays.”

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After the National Championship game that night:
“The Mills men will sleep soundly tonight. Eventually.”

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Wednesday, 01/08/14
“Setting up Outlook 2013 on my new desktop. Just Googled “Outlook 2013 ugly” #ewww”

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Thursday, 01/09/14
“This just seems like a band who got tired of trying to think of a name.
Maybe there’s artistic quirkiness or deep profoundness I’m unaware of.”

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“This is what PinkGirl looked like when she got in the car after school today. #ilovemydaughter”

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“In my dream last night, James Garner was a drug dealer. But I think it was okay because he was the one buying the drugs from himself. And the drug turned out to be a very rare cheese. #ihavenoidea”

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family book banter

Posted on August 28, 2013October 23, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

PinkGirl: “Mom, did you pre-order that book for me?”

Me: “no. is there some incentive for PRE-ordering?

PinkGirl: “no, I’m just DYING to find out what happened.”

Me: “I have no sympathy. You have broken the family fiction series rule.”

PinkGirl: “What rule? (as if she didn’t know)

FavoriteDad: “You don’t start reading a fiction series until they’ve all been written.”

PinkGirl: “aahhharrrrgggg”

I checked my laptop later. In MS Word, I see:

“I DON’T CARE!!!!!!!!
GET ME THE BOOK!!!”

Me, to FavoriteDad: “Are you going to let her talk to me in all caps like that?”

color.

Posted on June 7, 2013October 11, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

I’ve been given some serious what-for.

PinkGirl became aware that I said “dammit” in my blog the other day.

multiple times.

“MOM!”

hhhhhhhhhh.

I have a 12 year old censor. and she. is. bossy.

meanwhile, she thinks it is hilarious to tell me she “shipped her pants.”

the fact is, I grew up with a mom who used “colorful” language.

nautical colors.

a LOT.

rationalizing Julie says, in comparison, “my colorful language is pastel.”

cuz that is so much better.

hhhhhhhhhhh.

I admit.

I sometimes cuss in my head.

sometimes. my head leaks out of my mouth.

not often.

and my colorful vocabulary is limited.

mostly to the “d” word and the “h” word.

those are in the Bible, right?

FirstHusband: “maybe so, but do you want your daughter to say them?”

hhhhhhhhhh. no.

every once in a while, the “sh” word comes out with a “no” in front of it.

I definitely don’t want my daughter to say that.

I think the “a” word and the “b” word are crass.

and I really HATE the “f” word.

In full disclosure – I am sure I’ve said them all.

having grown up with colorful language, I can tell you that it takes intentional effort to find alternative colors.

but back to the brain to mouth leakage.

if we are acquaintances, you will witness no leakage.

if we are friends…

it’s possible. you may witness leakage.

do I think such leakage is acceptable?

hhhhhhhhh.

no.

oh. look. another failure.

besides. if you know me, you know I hate pastel colors.

so I’m watching Tim Hawkins list 101 curse words Christians can say.

my favorites are:

crapola.
flippin.
shut the front door.
geez. louise.

and especially,

fer cryin out loud.

or external silence. with internal cussage.

and there it is.

ugly.

thankfully, forgiven.

I’m not going back to the colorful blog post and deleting the color. It would be a cover-up. a lie.

if you want perfect, you shouldn’t read this blog anymore.

there’s no perfect here.

[CLICK HERE to see a listing of all the blog posts in this series “the search for Joy.”]

F5. How many people like me? F5. How many people like me?

Posted on February 14, 2013April 26, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

Yesterday I gave something up.

I realized it was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. But I didn’t give up this “something” for Lent. I haven’t observed Lent for decades, for reasons I won’t go into right now.

When I decided to give up this “something,” I knew I wanted to give it up forever. I need to give it up forever.

What is it?

My dependence on blog stats for affirmation.

For months, I had prayed like a widow, asking God if he wanted me to post some things I began writing in August of 2012. For months I fought against God’s relentless prompting to post. I rationalized. I pleaded.

I refused.

Finally, I got a word from God I knew I could not ignore. I knew I was being blatantly disobedient and that I would find no rest until I posted. So, nauseous and against my will, I hit publish.

And then F5.

again. and again. and again.

I continued to post every day. And I continued to refresh my blog stats.

Over the last week, God revealed to me that I had a refresh addiction. That stupid little F5 key was having a significant negative impact on my blog posting. From everything I wrote to what I posted to when I posted it. It was intruding on my thoughts. and my sleep.

I skipped a day. Posted. Skipped another day. Posted again.

I knew I was holding back. I was letting digital feedback interfere with God’s direction. I knew I had to cut off the stats. I’ll still respond to comments and private messages, but I’ve moved my blog stat widget and my “Top Ten” widget down in my navigation menus, out of my line of sight. If I find that I can still see them as I work, I’ll remove them altogether. I’ve turned off email notifications for when someone “likes” a post or “follows” my blog. I haven’t viewed my stats page or my “Live Traffic Feed” widget since early Wednesday morning.

It’s the end of my second day without blog stat feedback and I can honestly say.

LIBERATING.

I have absolutely no idea how many people are or are not reading my blog. I have no idea what posts are being read or how often. I have no idea where visitors are coming from or what they click on. I have no idea what search strings are being used to find my posts. I know nothing about my blog activity.

ahhhhh.

I thought I would be anxious. But I’m surprisingly relieved.

Here’s what my new blog plan looks like:

1. Pray
2. Write
3. Pray
4. Post
5. Pray
6. Trust God to do whatever He is going to do.
7. Repeat.

I need to depend on Christ for affirmation.

To read the next post in this series, click here: “I made a mistake.“

Am I now seeking human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10

favorite child.

Posted on February 14, 2013October 23, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

FirstHusband is out of town, so finding a fresh pot of coffee when I came downstairs this morning was a nice surprise.

Me: “Someone made coffee?”

PinkGirl: “Me.”

Me: “awww. You’re my favorite daughter!”

PinkGirl: “I would have preferred ‘favorite child.'”

FavoriteSon: “What do you want?”

PinkGirl: “nothing!”

FavroiteSon: “umm. hmm.”

#smartaleckid

Posted on February 11, 2013October 23, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

Me: “Hey, FavoriteSon. I know that Jesus is the common thread through the entire Bible but is there an actual Bible verse stating that?

FavoriteSon:“I dunno.”

Me: “You’re slacking on your ‘walking concordance’ duties. How much have we paid for your Christian education anyway?”

FavoriteSon: “I got it. Ecclesiastes 10:19”

Me: “uh huh. I can tell already that you’re jerking me around.”

FavoriteSon: “No. Really.”

Ecclesiastes 10:19: “A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything.”

Me: “hhhhhhhh”

Volcanoooooo (a sixth grade science project)

Posted on December 19, 2012October 23, 2016 by Julie Stiles Mills

Here’s how PinkGirl’s volcano science project turned out yesterday:

If you’ve been around for a while, you might remember FavoriteSon’s volcano project. Here’s an excerpt from that blog post:

We end up at Michael’s craft store with four packages of quick drying clay, a terra cotta pot and . . . a rocket engine. Yes. Michael’s sells rocket engines. FirstHusband is smiling and FavoriteSon is explaining how there really IS a type of volcano that explodes like that . . . The boys spend all morning Saturday wiring and soldering. Then they go into the backyard to test it before they make a terra cotta pot LOOK like a volcano. It works. It explodes. I look at FavoriteSon and say, “When you get sent to the office on Monday, give them your dad’s work number so he can explain how that’s perfectly safe.” . . . Then it’s tested again, this time adding sand to the top of the volcano so it shoots dirt up into the air and looks even more realistic . . . either FavoriteSon will be suspended or he will get an “A” on this project. (postscript: he got an “A”)

So. This time, explosives are NOT an option. PinkGirl has the same science teacher FavoriteSon did. No playing the “I had no idea” card. But PinkGirl wanted “a BIG explosion.” How to do that without ignition? FirstHusband wanted to buy a portable compressor, but his attempt to justify the expense by coming up with other things to do with it after making a volcano explode?

FAIL.

So my father (SuperPappy) suggested the shop vac reversed. The lampshade idea came to me during a severe allergic reaction to crafting after my husband said the words “paper mache” to me. We picked out a dirty, torn lampshade and got a 25% discount. Final Sale. No returns.

No problem. Crafting avoided.

As you can see, the explosion was a HIT. The ash went higher than the fence.

Here’s the written report PinkGirl wrote to accompany the volcano shown in the video:

“Volcanoes are amazing things of nature and only God can create them. Still for my project I tried my best and I also had fun while doing it. From deciding what type of volcano mine is or what type of eruption it will have it was a fun learning experience that I would love to tell you about.

The First thing I did was paint the lampshade (which is my volcano). It was actually a lot harder than I thought it was going to be because I had to mix paint to find the right color. The second thing I did was cut a hole in the box big enough for the pipe. Then I cut the top of the lampshade out with bolt cutter. (It was awesome!) After that I measured and cut the pipe to the right size with a hack saw. (My dad helped a little for this part but I did cut with a hack saw.) Next I glued the pipe to the adapter and cut the small pipe to the right size and glued it to the adapter and the elbow of the other pipe. Then I put another hole in the side of the box and put the side pipe in it. Next is my favorite part. I put coal in a bag and crushed it with a hammer. After that I poured the ash and coal in and covered it with saran wrap. Then I painted the box green and put the “Snow” on the volcano. The last step was decorating it with little touches to make it look better.

During the process of building my volcano I learned all about Composite volcanoes and plinian eruptions. Composite volcanoes are made out of ash, tephra, and lava. Plinian eruptions are violent and have lots of ash and poisonous gasses. Mt. Saint Helens was a composite volcano and had a plinian eruption.

I always thought a volcano just meant lava and smoke but I now understand that volcanoes are much more complicated than that. God must have had fun designing and creating volcanoes. He is a very creative God who has an amazing imagination. Volcanoes are dangerous magnificent things that create new land, give us dazzling treasures, and really open our eyes to show us how marvelous our world really is. I can only imagine what other planets are like.